Monday, September 24, 2012

Jim Brown Journal Entries

 This journal is lovingly dedicated to my father, who has taught his family so much what Father-in-Heaven is like because of the [good and kind father he has been to us. It is easy to believe in a heavenly parent who loves His children and desires only their happiness, growth and fulfillment because of the mortal parent we have had to walk. With us these few short years on earth. The Lord continue to bless him with health and vigor that he may long enrich and bless the lives of his family, friends, and those he serves in and out of the church.

--Suzanne Brown Gardiner


DECEMBER 27, 1965

For sometime now I have thought about keeping a journal and recording some of the nice things that have happened to us during the years. It is not intended to be strictly chronological; rather, I plan to write down events that should be entered as they are recalled. At the present time I am a medical doctor nearly years old, and as I near as I know enjoying good health. The genealogy of our family is recorded elsewhere, and this is not intended to be such. We do, however, have six lovely children of whom we are extremely proud and for whom we are very grateful.

At present I have the privilege of serving as a counselor in the West Covina Stake Presidency. I generally plan to make entries that I feel have spiritual significance to me, and I hope to those reading ‘them. I am sorry that my handwriting is poor...._jokingly, this seems to be the mark of a physician. Once I wrote my Grandfather Brown and told him that my psychology teacher said that there was no relationship between Penmanship and intelligence. Grandpa wrote back, “Are you sure?"


In many respects, it is difficult to remember before we were married since our marriage seems so right. Because of several situations and wonderful coincidences, we both are sure that the Lord helped us find each other.

We enjoy reminiscing about it--our courtship was sweet and precious.

The Arizona Temple President, Harry L. Payne, particularly counseled us to hold family prayer right from the beginning: so we started kneeling down as two, and now it is perfectly natural to kneel down as eight; we hope we will still be together to kneel down as two again, and that the children will then be kneeling down with children of their own.


I have always been impressed when set apart in the callings given me, and have tried "to live up to the blessing; or I should say, I believe that those in authority have the power to bless.

In 1956 I was set apart as a. member of the Covina Stake High Council by

Elder Elray L. Christiansen, an assistant to the Quorum of Twelve. He specifically blessed me that my medical practice would not interfere with my church calling. At that time I had a heavy solo practice, including a large obstetrical practice. During the three full years I served on the council, I never missed a single meeting due to my practice: my deliveries scheduled around, but not during my meetings and other emergencies were at a time that did not prevent me from going to the meeting I was expected to be at. when I recall how busy my practice was, this becomes a great miracle. I have not generally

told this as I feel this is sacred to me; however, many have remarked how I never missed a meeting. At the party given when the Stake was divided, part of a song composed for the occasion stated: "You could count on Dr. Brown's babies nof, coming during a. meeting."


Being the eldest grandson, I always felt close to my grandfather Brown-particularly since our families lived so close together during my childhood.  As I grew into manhood I knew that grandpa loved me, and I felt secure in this.  Grandma was well known in Arizona; he was Arizona's first Farm Bureau President, and was an eloquent speaker--very much in demand. He was very witty and enjoyable to be around. He also worked for President Hoover on the Federal Farm Board, and I believe spoke in every state in the Union.

When I was a boy, I was quite impressed that he was offered a new Graham Page car for speaking at the Washington Sate Fair, but wouldn‘t accept it because he worked for the government. He had the nickname of "Farmer", and nearly everyone knew Farmer Brown. Grandpa had 2 nephews in the First Presidency, President Hugh B. Brown and President Nathan Eldon Tanner, as well as a nephew in the Presiding Bishopric, Victor L. Brown. He used ‘to tell President Hugh B. -Brown, "Come out and sit under the lemon tree with me, and I'll tell you‘ how to run the church.“ They used to visit quite a bit.

Grandpa was nearly 89 when he died. It was a shock to me—-I thought he was indestructible. (He was still riding horses, etc.) In fact, he was deep in Nevada helping his daughter and son-in-law set up their ranch when he had his heart attack--over 100 miles from a doctor. He withstood the long drive over desert roads only to find the doctor gone, and they had to take him to another town. 

President Hugh B. Brown was on a church assignment to Europe and couldn't accept the invitation to speak at the funeral. The family then asked me to speak. Actually, in my heart I wanted to speak. Somehow it seemed more appropriate to have a family member speak, and I felt I knew what he and the Lord wanted me to say. I fasted and prayed for help and I received it. I can tell when I have the Spirit with me: the words seem to flow and it is a sweet special feeling; when I don't have it, I just as well sit down because I flounder helplessly. At the beginning there was a sadness common to funerals; but when I arose to speak, I told how Grandpa felt about funerals and his in particular, and that he wanted them to relax and visit and even tell stories. Then as I talked about the Gospel, a sweet feeling came into the chapel, and I could feel the large congregation relax. After the servicea the people did stand around, visit, and reminisce. To me, it was a choice experience, and I felt close- to my grandfather and the rest of the family. I look forward to more visits with grandpa, and I know this life is not the end of our relationship.

One day at church, I was carrying Jimmy when someone came up to me and said, "He looks just like you....but he's healthy." I guess there are some compensations for Jimmy, even if he does look like me.

I had an awakening today as to age: I treated a girl, that as I talked to the family, ‘turned out to be the granddaughter of a girl I went all through grade school and high school with. We get busy and forget that time goes on. Having married somewhat late, and then moving away from where I was raised, I suppose many of my old friends have grand kids. One evening at our Stake Bishopric meeting while we were instructing the bishoprics in regard to the new home teaching program and I was talking, I told them that the single most effec Live thing they could do to offset the threat of Communism would be to make the Home Teaching program work. Something happened at that point: there was something like an electric charge in the room, and I knew I was telling them what the Lord wanted me to. After the meeting, a brother came up to me and said, "At that point a voice whispered to me, ‘Listen to this man'".

To feel the Spirit when you speak by assignment is a wonderful feeing;. to not have it gives you a helpless feeling, and you realize that you might just as well sit down, the words sound hollow and empty. Last night just before retiring, I checked on the children to make sure they were covered. As I looked at each one and sensed how sweet and precious to us they were, I wondered: Can we ever live worthy of the blessing of lovely children? I couldn't help but walk out on the balcony and ask, Father-in-Heaven to help me be a better earthly father to these precious souls.

Late summer 1965 
I received a call at the office that our hill was on fire.  As I drove up, it looked like everything was gone. In a little while I found that it was largely smoke, that the fire had burned around the house, and that the family was safe also. Later, Charles, our four-year-old, took me out to see where the fire had been. He put his arm around my leg as we surveyed the charred trees and said, "Jimmy-boy and I knew that Heavenly Father wouldn't let the fire burn the house and Mommy ‘cause we knelt down and prayed." That was of more value to me than the trees that we lost. The firemen indicated that the wind had shifted; the fire stopped about 100 feet from our house and went back into the canyon, burning itself out. Marjorie also knelt and prayed at this time. She, too, feels that prayer saved our home.

At one of our Stake Conferences, the stake presidency needed to call a

High Councilman, and we couldn't seem to make a decision. Finally President

Mark W. Smith (then West Covina stake president) told Elder Boyd K. Packer, who was the visiting General Authority, that we couldn't come to a decision and would have to wait. Elder Packer said, "The Lord will bless you, and during this next meeting you will know who he wants you to select." When the meeting ended, Pres. Richard E. Miner (then second counselor in the stake presidency) and I,with0ut consultation, at the same instant turned to Press, Smith and recommended the same man. We knew that individual was the one the Lord


Jim Brown Journal

June 26 1983 to May 26, 1991

May 26, 1983

I am patriarch to the Hacienda Heights California Stake and have given 499 blessings as of today.  I also am a Sealer in the Los Angeles Temple – performed 6 marriages last week, I regularly go Tuesday and Friday evenings for regular sealing sessions and go in addition when I am needed or if I have a request to perform a marriage or sealing, so I often go in 4 or 5 times a week and once 6 times.

We now have 14 grandchildren with 2 more on the way, Suzanne due in July, Barbara in November

Marjorie is an ordnance worker at the Temple and has had some sweet sacred experiences. She is troubled by her arthritis, but manages.  I have lost 60 pounds in an effort to control blood pressure along with a diet and exercise program.  I walk and run 7 to 8 miles each day except Sunday.

July 24, 1983

What a heritage we have, and how blessed we are because of our wonderful forbearers.  Those who prepared the way for the Gospel and those who received it, and helped build the church.  In Sacrament Meeting as we honored the Pioneers I looked at my wife – loved her and realized that if it were not for the Church and our Heritage, I would not have her and our particular family.

On Friday July 22, 1983 
Our Suzanne delivered her 4th child, a handsome 9’1” boy 23 inches long.  I had the privilege of delivering him.  I was real proud of Suzanne as I was of each of our children in having their children.  They have conducted themselves well. 

July 25, 1983 
Marjorie is out at Suzanne’s helping with the new baby.  I awakened early this morning because I went to bed early, which I often am not able to do.  When I do wake up early – I sometimes lie in bed listening to the early morning sounds, crickets, sometimes – usually roosters crowing (I’m glad our neighbors have chickens) my thoughts go back to my childhood and youth.  People I used to know, the fields, trees, barns, lanes, ditches etc. that I knew in Mesa Arizona have all be obliterated by housing tracts.  I have often wondered if it would be possible to transfer the memories of one person to another.  Some of my memories I would not want to give some one else because I feel they would be a burden and would not be a blessing to them – Sometimes we try to push our own burdens onto someone else – particularly when we tell of weaknesses and supposed sings of others.

Morning sounds evoke many memories for me because on the farm I had to get up early to milk the cows while it was still dark – I’d go out in the fields to find the cows and drive them into the corral so we could milk them.  During the school year I would usually have to run to catch the bus.  I’d lie in bed as long as I could part of the time I also had a paper route and delivered papers by bicycle 10 miles night and morning.  My brother Bob and I shared this.  I am not sure I would have been very good at sports in high School, but I was not able to participate in any except Track because of the chores at home.  I could go to some of the track meets on Saturdays because I did not have to practice. 

As I think about my childhood and the feelings worries and hopes I ha then along with the anxieties and wonder now why I thought some things were important then.  And also why other things were not more important.  I often reach over and touch Marjorie and am brought to the present and the real miracle of her in my life, and our children, and now their children.  When our children think of me in their own memories of childhood, I hope they remember that I loved their Mother, and that I loved them.

February 5 1984 
Fast Day did my initial Home Teaching visits for February and gave 3 blessings – The last several weeks have had me traveling back and forth from Mesa Arizona.  My Father has cancer of the colon, was operated on developed pneumonia was in intensive care a long time.  He is finally home – but quite likely will be finishing his mortal life.  The cancer was not entirely confined and if he doesn’t die from his heart condition he will probably not last longer than 2 years from the cancer.  I wish we had accomplished more together over the years.  I don’t suppose we would ever have enough time.

February 26, 1984

My father has suffered a major stroke, is helpless and paralyzed not able to speak or respond, it is not likely he will recover.  I have been over to see him in Mesa Arizona.  He just lies there.  I took my Mother over to see him.  It was difficult for her to comprehend seeing him like that.  She has been in a convalescent hospital largely helpless also.  I phoned Dad 2 days before his stroke, we had a good visit, told jokes etc.  It was his 87th birthday.  I feel it is a special bonus to pass from this life quickly – although I am sure there is a purpose for some lingering either for them or others so I don’t want to questions the Lord’s schedule for us. 

At the other end of the spectrum of life our daughter Johanna give birth to her 6th living child a son to probably be named Jonathan – Marjorie is with them functioning as a Grandmother, our 17th living grandchild – our first was born dead.

March 3, 1984 Last week my cousin Susan Halls called and said she was into the Hospital to see my father and he awoke from his coma after about 10 days told her he had died and seen his parents and his sister.  I went over 2 days later and it is a miracle he is still alive, his Physician told me he has had one other case like it.  My own experience made me feel he would never survive, much less regain consciousness.  I don’t know how much he can remember but he can move all his limbs and speak – he sleeps a lot and is difficult to arouse. 

March 26, 1984 
My 63rd birthday.  Marjorie had a dinner party and close friends and associates.  She is a joy to watch being a gracious hostess.

September 23, 198
Yesterday our family had a special experience.  Suzanne had through her contacts in Tennessee had gathered enough information to have some sealings done at the Temple after clearing with the Genealogical department and we performed their sealings in the Temple using family members as proxies as we sealed John Jones to his family we wept, the Spirit was so strong all of us felt it.  John Jones was Marjorie Jones ancestor in Tennessee – and we knew his loved his family – Suzanne feels and I agree that it was miraculous to have made the contacts and ties, because he had not previous contacts – Marjorie’s grandfather came out to ‘Arizona and died still a young man – and we had not real knowledge of his family in Tennessee. 

Dec 2, 1984 
As Marjorie and I have time together now we find our love is growing even more special and precious, and one of our greatest gifts from the Lord is our love for each other.

December 30, 1984 
I found remnants of my Grandfather Browns (Charles Sidney Brown) missionary Journal among my parent’s papers.  The writing is faded in spots but his penmanship is better than mine.  He frequently mentions walking 20 – 25 miles to attend an appointment – being cold wet and hungry – I wish I could visit him again.  Tell him I love and miss him.  It is sobering to reflect that at best I probably have about 20 years of mortality or less and that if there are things I want to do I better get started.  I wonder why I thought I had so much time.  When I was young, seems like all of a sudden I’m old.

November 10, 1985 
There has been a flurry of anti Mormon publications lately with supposed early documents etc.  What most anti church individuals do not realize is that a Testimony is individually gained and maintained through the Spirit and not dependent upon some other individual.  Each person has the right and responsibility to gain their own Testimony – to me that is one of the beautiful aspects of the Church.  That each person can and should gain their own testimony, work out their own salvation and exaltation, regardless of our callings, station in life, profession or wealth or lack.

Dec 7, 1984 
Last night, Marjorie and I lay awake in the early hours and had a special pillow talk reliving our childhood memories and the events leading to our special marriage, our children and the happiness we have had together.  How we love each other more every day – how we know the Lord helped us find each other, and prepared us for each other.  How much our children mean to their children and us – we feel such a bond between us.  The sweetest sound in the world to me is the sound of my wife’s voice and there is no place on earth I’d rather be than with her. 

November 30, 1986 
As I drove around Provo I was flooded with memories.  In 1941 August – September, I left Tempe, hitch hiked to Provo, picked peaches in the daytime, worked in a Tomato Cannery at night, and got enough money to start my Senior year at BYU, transferring from Arizona State at Tempe.  I needed a change in my life and it certainly did change it.  BYU with its devotional programs gave me exposure to church leaders.  I had not experienced I remember vividly Pearl Harbor, I was riding with Bruce Lyman my father’s cousin and heard about it on the car radio.  Since I was registered for the draft at Provo I was drafted into the army from there instead of Phoenix where I normally would have been – I was stationed at Fort Douglas out of Salt Lake City for a time giving me additional exposure to church leaders – having served as Presiding Elder at the reception center, holding services for the new inductees, each week.

I worked with Don B. Colton who was a former congressman, and was in charge of the LDS Servicemen’s home in Salt Lake.  He would obtain speakers for me each week.  Frequently general authorities or men who eventually became General Authorities such as Hugh B. Brown and John Longden. I went into combat engineer battalion in Texas and then overseas to England, France Germany then the Philippines from there.  Hence my whole life was different.  I really feel the Lord had his hand in my life, probably due to the prayers of my mother.

While in Provo we noted that the flag at the Provo Temple was at half-mast and learned later that Elder A Theodore Tuttle had passed away. 

March 15, 1987 
I have put off writing about a recent challenge Marjorie and I have to face because I do not know how I can put into words the depth and magnitude of my feelings.

Since mid January of this year, we have known that Marjorie has cancer that has spread (metastasized) to her spine, ribs, skull and pelvic bones – we first discovered it when one f other vertebra collapsed.  Biopsy showed demo carcinoma but the primary sources is not knows, normally the original tumor shows up first then spreads, but in her case the spread or metastases was our first inklings.

She had passed a kidney stone last summer and a complete work up did not reveal any other problem – and other than her arthritis she felt quite well for our China trip.

In November 86 last fall, she complained of back pain and we felt it was another kidney stone, however X-rays etc. did not confirm it, and this time blood tests were suggestive of amaligirance and bone scans revealed extensive involvement – Breast – and chest and abdominal and pelvic scans revealed no original tumor site - We are reluctant to do an exploratory surgery because we do not feel we can gain anything and only make her uncomfortable.  We are treating the most painful areas of her back with radiation to ease the discomfort, and it has done that despite the nausea and anemia from the radiation with the vertebral collapse, she is over 2 inches shorter and spends most of her time in bed, I take her to Church in a wheel chair.

February 1, 
She bore her testimony at Fast Meeting – told our ward she had cancer but not to feel sorry for her, she had every blessing she ever dreamed of and her only regret was not to know David’s wife.  The whole ward was touched.  Suzanne and Judith each said a beautiful tribute to Marjorie and my beloved associate Mayo Smith gave a moving tribute to her and Br Guhriman did likewise.  There was not a dry eye in the congregation that I know of, a Sacred Spirit prevails

We have wept together and alone – my heart aches as I picture her in bed alone coming to the realization that she will likely die soon – then coming to grips with that knowledge with some much faith and trust.

When I began to try to conceive of life without her I was filled with deep despair.  I had always assumed I would die first – and I selfishly wanted to live long enough so she would not marry someone else and find out that was not so much.  She on the other hand has graciously urged me to remarry when she dies – she wants someone to look after me and love me as she has done.

Lately we have had some sweet pillow talks and review how greatly blessed we are I for one have had more than most men to have a beautiful woman love me for over 39 years six wonderful faithful children, plus such marvelous grandchildren

I am grateful the Lord somehow was kind enough to give her to me and am especially grateful that I’ve always known how special she is.  I am also grateful to the Lord that I was impressed to do the things we have done together and not postpone them, our trips, gifts, etc.

The most beautiful sound in the world to me is her voice.  Each time she offers our prayer I marvel.  When I call home and answers the phone with that lovely cultured “Brown residence” my heart leaps and always has, even before she became ill, I would lie in bed turn to look at her and thank the Lord for her and still do.

I try not to think of how much I will miss her, but try to concentrate on how blessed we are – I can not conceive of a better wife for me and she tells me that I have fulfilled (The Lord helped me) all her dreams of a husband.

June 7, 1987 
Yesterday our family gathered at the Los Angeles Temple and I had the privilege of sealing Marjorie’s mother to George Jones – our children’s grandfather and then sealed Marjorie, her sister Norma and their brother Floyd who died as an infant, David acted as his proxy, Wayne, Norma’s husband acted as proxy for Marjorie and Norma’s father.  We had the sealing room all to ourselves, just our family were there, and a sweet sacred feeling prevailed, I’m sure there were representatives fro the other side.  Marjorie never dreamed she would have the opportunity in this life to be sealed to her father and Mother, Marjorie feels the Lord let her live long enough for this

July 12, 1987 
My father Harold Cyril Brown passed away about noon, he had just been fed and suddenly lift mortality – He lived much longer than I expected having had a heart attach 31 years ago then cancer and then a stroke

Dad said he lived poor, and died rich – he struggled during the depression buying a farm, then sold it when he was old getting enough to keep he and Mother confortable and they could have done many things had they had the health to do it.

I hope he and Mother are happily united. 

July 20, 198
Flew over to Arizona, for my father’s funeral service – Johanna gave the eulogy – Suzanne and I spoke.  Judy gave the opening prayer, Charlie the closing, David gave the family prayer, and I dedicated the grave

I struggled with the decision to go over because I knew Marjorie was dying and I did not want to be away from her.  I prayed about it and discussed the matter with our Bishop – While Marjorie was only dimly aware I said please wait for me and she said, “I will try.”

Wednesday July 22, 1987 9:15 P
My wife completed her mortal life as I held her hand she left, sweetly and quietly having been unconscious most of the day.  One of the last things she said was “Will I still hurt?” and I told her “No, you will not hurt.”  Her passing was a release and I knew I could not try to hold her back, even though I was content and anxious to continue to care for her indefinitely Judy and David were with us up in our upstairs bedroom.  I called the Mortuary and they came and took her body.  I did not feel it was her.  I know her Spirit was not in it.  President John Allen came over.  Our Stake president was out of town.  I called our Bishop and told him that I was all right and did not need any one to come over.

The night before as I lay beside her I came to me what the funeral service should be.  I knew there would be a large attendance of both members and non-members and I knew she would want the Gospel taught so that members would want to love it more fully, and non members would want to know more about it.  I asked our new mission President Gary Coleman who I had just met thee week before and knew that he was a special servant of the Lord prepared and our beloved Temple President and friend Jack B. McEwan and Suzanne to represent the family.  The music would be “O Devine Redeemer” Love one another, I am a child of God and “O My father”

July 22, 1987 
Marjorie’s service was lovely, huge attendance like Stake Conference.  The speakers and musicians were inspired – the spirit - never experienced anything like it, touched all.  My Indian Pathologists friend who performed her autopsy said he felt exhilarated rather than depressed.  Our radiologist’s friends Dr. Hans Jultner said he had spent 2 years in Africa with Dr. Albert Schweitzer but had never had a spiritual experience like her funeral.  I have since taken he and his wife who is also and M.D. a personally signed Book of Mormon and got permission to send church people from the ward near them to call on them.  I hope it will result in baptisms for Marjorie.  (It does)

I was afraid I would break down when I saw my wife in the casket but I got down to the Stake Center 1 ½ hours early and when I saw her and fully recognized that it was only her body and that her beautiful Spirit was not in it a great calm came over me and I had the casket closed after letting the children see it and did not have a viewing I put 2 pictures of her in the casket there were lots of flowers despite requesting donations to charity instead. 

August 23, 1987 
I have been rereading my uncle Ernest young’s diary I’m so impressed with him and his Service – a real giant serving in the Old Mexico and Argentina, he tells of people places and events I am somewhat familiar with.  I noted that my cousin Amy Young Valentine who is Uncle Ernest’s daughter and who had Charlie, Barbara and I over for dinner has been a widow 20 years this month, so many have had to go through what I am experiencing.

January 3, 1988 
Yesterday I learned of my uncle George halls Brown’s passing.  He was only 4 years older than I, lived next farm to us during the depression, my father’s youngest brother.  He was like a big brother to me and always kind and considerate also the day before my father’s last living sister died Elna Brown of one of their 11 children still in mortality and being the eldest grandchild I’ll be the older generation.

May 15, 198
A few weeks ago Pres. John Allen of our Stake presidency called me about a matter and told me that he had been thinking of me and felt prompted to tell me to go see Elaine Phelps, a widow I’ve known since grade school in fact we went together during World War Ii before I went overseas.  He knows her and felt inspired to suggest it. 

September 18, 1988 
Much has happened on August Elaine and I were married for time in the Los Angeles Temple by Pres. Jack B. McEwan.  All of our children were here except Johanna who was too close to delivering her 7th living child (Andrea, born August 31, 1988) The wedding was special and toughing. I hope and feel Rex and Marjorie approve.

June 3, 1989 10 years ago I was given the sealing power to be exercised in the Los Angeles Temple in behalf of the living and the dead by President Spencer W. Kimball, I have had the privilege of performing many sealings since then and have had some choice sacred experiences.

November 16, 1989 
I went out to Newhall to be with Suzanne while she had her left breast removed, biopsy on the 13th was positive for duct cell carcinoma also the axillary lymph glands were positive.  Kent and I gave her a blessing before surgery.  The surgeon did a superb resection of the breast and lymph glands we of course do not know how much if any spread has occurred   Suzanne’s attitude is good and I personally feel that the Lord is aware and loves her as we all do.  I am very vulnerable when I comes to any of our children.

November 25, 1989
My Marjorie would be 66 today.

February 11, 1990 
We are still greatly concerned about Suzanne – She is undergoing chemotherapy has lost her hair and wears a realistic wig.  She is battling her insurance company to approve an advanced treatment using autologous bone marrow transplant after very strong chemotherapy at UCLA medical center.

March 11, 1990 
Senator Bill Campbell called me March 9 to let me know that he had been able to intercede with the University of California in behalf of Suzanne, and they have agreed to accept her case as part of their Grant program saving her several hundred thousand dollars since her insurance company has admittedly refused to pay for the autologous bone marrow replacement and chemotherapy which is new and would require at least 4 weeks in the hospital 

April 8, 1990 Fast day, 
Suzanne is in the midst of her treatment program at  UCLA medial center, has had her bone marrow harvested and saved by freezing to be put back after her chemotherapy, she is in the middle of the now. 

This morning I was thinking of those we have lost and may yet lost in death and began to understand that rather than dwell in our loss we should consider how blessed we were to have had what we have – Each of our children represent more of a blessing than I can possibly be worthy of.

April 16, 1990 
Suzanne has had a very difficult time has been in intensive care at the hospital for nearly 2 weeks.  When her immune system was down from the chemotherapy she got several infections and went into renal failure from the strong antibiotics, she also went into cardiac and respiratory failure and gave us quite a scare, she still is on dialysis but we hope her kidneys will respond again, she had such a close call, that the play to repeat the chemotherapy has been called off.  It is hard to see of your beloved children look so near death – so many have been concerned and are praying for her I want so much for her to be able to raise her children.  I’m not concerned about Suzie’s status; she is in my estimation very worthy for whatever the Lord has in store for her. 

Today I singed an agreement with BYU to donate 5 acres of the land, the Lord gave us.  They in turn will sell it and pay Elaine and I 8% on the proceeds for as long as either Elaine or I love or for at least 10 years.  I want to be sure that Elaine will be cared for if I die first – also the home and other assets will be left to the children for a little help in their lives.

I wish I knew what do with the rest of my life, its hard to realize I’m in my 70th year in 10 years I’ll be going on 80 and if I live in 20 years I be nearly 90 common sense tells me I don’t have a lot of effective time left – in many ways I don’t feel different than I did at 30 – but my body isn’t as limber and I don’t seem to get as much done as I used to.

My practice is dwindling.  I’m almost retired and don’t’ know it.  So many patients have moved, joined health plans or died. I see about one third of what I used to.  For such a long time I did not take new patients and now people don’t want to start with doctor who obviously will not practice much longer.

June 10, 1990 
It looks like Suzanne will be discharged from the Hospital today.  She is beginning to recover from the effects of the chemotherapy pneumonia, renal failure etc.  She has been in the Hospital over 10 weeks – there have been a lot of prayers for her, many different faiths, we now pray that the cancer is irradiated. 

December 3, 1990 
Spoke at Ann’s funeral service. Bob’s Bishop conducted and the Ward provided a luncheon for us, the Relief Society President used to live in our Stake and I performed the marriage of her daughter we were well treated and Bod’s family were favorable impressed.  Our Sister Louise flew over and I picked her up at the airport.  We had a nice family visit

I remember so well when Bob and Ann were married and what a cute girl Ann was.  When Beverly was born, I thought she was the prettiest baby I had ever seen.  Bob got married before I did and so did Louise even though I’m the oldest. 

March 31, 1991 
Well, I’m 70 now, older than I ever thought I’d be.  I’ve had a full life more blessings than I can tell.  To think of 40 years with Marjorie one of the truly great beautiful women – gracious lovely everything I wanted in a wife.  Now to have the privilege of loving Elaine again after having loved her back during World War II.  I remember the Wedding announcement when I was overseas.  I hadn’t asked her to wait because I was young in experienced, didn’t know if I would come back alive, at that time we were not winning the war.

Elaine and I feel that had we married back then it would have been difficult, we both needed to mature.  I feel the lord gave me Marjorie.  Why I cannot fathom the mercy and charity in doing so.  Now that Elaine and I have had more experience we can do appreciate each other and are very much in love – not detracting on iota from the love I have for Marjorie.  Elaine has a wonderful talent for being a good enjoyable companion – cheerful appreciative and fun – we appreciated each other now, we may not have years ago when we were immature.

Journal June 9, 1991 – January 10, 2011

September 8, 1991

Yesterday the Stake held a memorial service for Jared Negrete, who was lost on a scout outing in the mountains and not found after 6 weeks.  (I delivered him.) large attendance of members and non-members.  I’m sure many hearts were touched by the sweet spirit.

October 20, 1991

Fast Sunday I spoke at a regional singles fireside.  I told them I had been single twice and that it was more important to be worthy to be married than to be married and if they wanted to be married, and were worthy at some time their eternal existence, they would be married.  I think of the fine young men I knew who were killed in the War.  I know the Lord will not deny them a wife.

I enjoyed our church meetings today.   I’ve been agonizing over what to do about retiring.  I’m in a position where I enjoy all the privileges of being a doctor but am reluctant to shoulder all the responsibilities.  I dislike having to put people in the hospital and doing all the paper work.  When I come home at night I want to stay.  I have some old patients that I know can’t last too much longer and I hate to see them die.  Often I am not busy at the office and I wonder why I bother going in at all.  At nearly 71, I realize I only have a limited time at best and I ask myself what do I want to accomplish before I go and am I going to have some real regrets at having not done things I ought to.  All at once I am the old generation. I have one Uncle left on either my Dad or Mother’s side and many of my cousins are dead. 

The Lord has been good to me and I am concerned that I be more effective in service.  I know I render some service to missionaries and others as a doctor and in the Temple as a Sealer and in Patriarchal Blessings but is it enough or should be really retire leave on a mission etc.  when we come back would we pick up where we left off etc.  Should we sell the big house where the children have most of their childhood memories – I wish I could have an angel come and tell me but I guess that would be to easy.  There are some tings the Lord leaves up to us.  I’ve had some concern about how I die, can I go with dignity like Marjorie with all my mental faculties.  I’d like to outlive Elaine for a short time so she would not have to be widowed again. 

I have had some very choice experiences.  Marjorie was just as surely an angel in my life as the angel that visited Alma the younger.  I still marvel at the effect she had on me and what a unique special lady Elaine is.  I marvel at how much we enjoy each other.

I have a friend at the Temple who was widowed and remarried and he said the Lord has blessed him that he could cry out of one eye.  The side his wife didn’t see.

November 20, 1991 
I have handled and observed quite a few adoptions over the years and I noted that many adopted children have a hard time.  I don’t know if they feel insecure or if it is a carry over from their biologic parents.  I think babies are affected by the inheritance given them and they may be affected by the drugs and mental state of either biologic parent. Certainly the sins of the parents can pass on to the children. 

December 5, 1991
Today I had the privilege of performing the sealing of my brother Robert Lewis Brown to his deceased wife Rose Ann Mistoler.  It is almost exactly 1 year since she passed away.  Elaine was able to be proxy for Ann in the initiatory ordinances and the endowment as well as the Sealing.  It was a sweet experience.  Bob was very touched and you could feel a special spirit of acceptance.  Judy and Mike were there as well as Felice and Mayo Smith.

We were in the same room that we used when Marjorie was sealed to her parents a month before she left.  The endowment session that Bob and I attended was the room we were in the last time Marjorie came to (in a wheel chair) We also sealed Ann’s parents and her to her parents.  Judy acted as proxy for Ann’s mother.

February 16, 1992 

We then went to see my Aunt Fern, David’s wife who broke her hip and ironically is in the same convalescent hospital my Mother and Father were in. 

I wish I were more proficient in writing.  My right hand is somewhat spastic and has a tremor.  It is very difficult for me to write and I don’t enjoy it.  I would like to be able to relax and write long flowering beautiful penmanship, but as I write my whole arm, hand and shoulder tighten and become tense and I know my writing is almost illegible scribble, as I read back I am chagrined at what I see. 

I wish I could express my thoughts in writing to leave my posterity more of how I feel.  I have so much I would like to express. 

Feb 23, 1992 
I have dreamed of Marjorie several times lately.  She was so incredibly beautiful.  Last night I dreamed I saw Rex Elaine’s first husband.  He was so youthful and vigorous.

March 29, 1992 
Today, Elaine and I are taking Marjorie’s Mother out to Suzanne and Kent’s for Eric’s receiving the Aaronic priesthood and being ordained a Deacon. I well remember delivering him on my birthday.  I had just done some sealings at the Temple and went to the hospital 12 years ago.

April 19, 1992 
Afterwards Elaine and I met with Bishop Faubus and president Smith to ask for counsel on my retiring.  I have an opportunity to sell my building and if I do it will almost necessitate retiring.  I have been agonizing several weeks about and after talking to the Bishop and Stake presidency, I feel much better about it. 

April 24, 1992 
We did not have many from my class (only went 2 years at Tempe) we all sat at a table, my old High School Sweetheart came and I did not recognize her at first, she did not have her name tag on.  Many there you did not recognize until you saw the nametag, then you put it together.  I lost all my school pictures and yearbooks in a fire, so I was not able to refresh my memory and some I had not seen for over 50 years and of course many had changed considerably.  Some of the girls we thought were sort of plain turned out to be very attractive, gracious women and some of those we thought were so pretty are not nearly as charming of course some were.  The determining factor I believe is character, it will ultimately shine through.  I wish we could tell our young people but I don’t know how we could.

I think back and realize how little I really understood about life and how miserable I’d be if the Lord let me have what I used to think I wanted.  What I finally got was so much better.

May 12, 1992 
I made a difficult decision today to retire.  My building is sold apparently and rather than relocate a rapidly diminishing practice.  I feel it is best to stop while I still have my faculties and move on to something else. 

May 13, 1992

Suzanne was part of Chanel 7 evening news on TV in their part on Breast Cancer.  Showed her family and how near she came to dying.  They all looked beautiful.  It was such a miracle we were all able to be at David and Colleen’s wedding.  That one blessing alone is worth more than I can describe. 

June 30, 1992 
My last day in the office.  I took 2 pick up loads of patients old records to recycled keeping only recent charts.  My brother Bob came and helped.  I donated most of my equipment to the A.A. County Medical Association to help Physicians who were burned out in the recent L.A. riots

A lot of patients have shed tears and wrote nice notes but almost all has expressed pleasure that I could now have time for “my self.”

October 4, 1992 
Fall is in the air, for some reason I am nostalgic in the fall remembering other times and places, family friends, occasions etc.  I think I’ve written earlier about being seated in the Tabernacle in October Conference seeing the leaves drop from the trees outside fluttering to the ground then looking up on the stand, President McKay and J. Reuben Clark aged giants soon to fall to mother earth.  It seemed symbolic to me and now as I look back I realize that we are all relentlessly approaching the time when we figuratively will detach from mortality and drop to the ground, some leaves are pulled from the tree prematurely by forces other than time. 

August 2, 199
We then saw Marjorie’s Aunt Ester at the old family ranch in Dewey.  She was so good to Marjorie.  She is now old and doesn’t feel she can manage the ranch much longer.  It will be the end of an era.  Marjorie’s grandmother was the 1st white child born in that part of Arizona and was known as Aunt Jane to many.  When we would visit the ranch over the years it seemed like there was always some homeless person there.  People always knew if things got tough they could go stay at Aunt Jane's.  She lived to be 95 and is buried on the Ranch.

October 10, 1993 
Yesterday we celebrated Marjorie’s mother’s 89th birthday here on our patio, Suzanne, Judy and Charles came with their families.  Belva does remarkably well, lives alone but is going to give up driving!

Suzanne’s cancer has returned and the thought of losing another beautiful woman in my life is difficult to bear, I have often thought if the Lord said, you can only have Marjorie about 40 years, do you still want her? Or you can only have Suzanne about 40 years, you will learn to care deeply and it will hurt so bad when they go, do you still want them, are you willing to pay the price? 

Part of the price for loving some one is the pain that comes when you are separated by death but you won’t turn down the opportunity to love and cherish someone just because it will be so painful when they go.  I’ve learned to care deeply it is inevitable that sooner or later we will be separated.  But neither of us are willing to give up the sweetness of pain of parting but I have come to realize if you didn’t love so much it would not hurt so much, I guess everything has a price.

November 28, 1993 Today (28th
Suzanne, Kent and family came over after church for dinner and I gave Rachel Ann her Patriarchal Blessing (# 1140 for me)

I watch Suzanne battle her caner and I am filled with dread at the thought of losing her yet am grateful to have had her at all. 

I watch Kent and know what he is going through.

May 29 1994

I had an experience at the temple last week, that I felt was significant – I was doing some sealings of couples from the Temple file for deceased persons and one of the proxies said, “I lifted my finger” in the grip – maybe we should do it over.  I said the important thing is that we had the authority to do what we did; some people don’t have a right hand, does that make the ordinance less valid?  But if it will allay your mind we will do it over.  When I repeated it, there was a flat empty feeling as though the people for whom we were officiating had left.  That the ordinance had been done for them and they were going, it was very noticeable to me.

August 7, 1994

It has been some time since I have made an entry – with Suzanne’s illness, She is making a valiant effort to overcome her cancer with diet and alternative methods of cure, having tried the conventional chemo therapy etc.  She has already lived longer than some others who had the bone marrow transplant.

July 29, 1994 
I have just read one of my Grandfather Brown’s journal s probably the last one he wrote, he was 87, driving his Volkswagen car all over Arizona, Utah, Colorado and Idaho.  I admire his drive and interest in life.  I hope I can do as well. As I read his journal I realize I never really knew him – I wish I had known him better.  – I was his oldest grandchild and spent some time with him, but I can see, that I really didn’t know him as well as I would have liked.

September 14, 1994

Marjorie’s Mother moved back to Arizona after 39 years we were privileged to have her close by.  She was a wonderful grandmother to our children.  And a good mother and mother in law, also she and Elaine got along so well, genuinely loving each other.  It was with some nostalgia that I realized that another page of mu life has turned.  Now at age 90, she feels she should not live in her mobile home alone.  So Norma and her children will get to enjoy her. 

September 18, 1994

M precious Suzanne is struggling with her cancer and it now appears that it is in the Lord’s hands.  I am numb but grateful to have had her at all.

September 25, 1994

Just returned from a quick trip to Arizona for a wedding of Elaine’s nephew.  President John Allen and his wife went with us.  We were only gone a day and a half.  When we returned there was a message that Suzanne had a bad spell nearly died.  I am afraid it won’t be long before she has a change of address.

I feel my life has been justified by having her as a daughter and I can say that about any one of our 6 children.  If the Lord had told me when she was born you can only have her 39 years here. I would have said “with all my heart and will be grateful for whatever I can have.

September 26, 1994

Suzanne has moved to that realm where the very choice spirits go when they leave mortality.

September 29, 1994

Suzanne’s Funeral today.  Suzanne told Kent she wanted me to sign her death certificate and speak at her funeral – I did sign her certificate after conferring with her cancer specialists, I didn’t want to do anything unethical but Suzie felt since I delivered her, I should sign her out.  I was the last Doctor to see her alive and the first.

All her brothers and sisters and spouses came, her 3 brothers gave the prayers.  The Relief Society President spoke then I spoke.  I was very apprehensive about speaking because my tears have been so close to the surface and as I saw her pictures and children I kept wanting to cry.  Just before I spoke “O Divine Redeemer” was beautifully sung as it was at Marjorie’s service and I silently pleaded with the Lord to give me strength, and he did, a calm came over me and I was able to speak and I felt with the Spirit.

Kent did so well in the family gathering, telling of the sweet experiences prior to her passing.  I had told him that I felt Marjorie was no longer present when she died before her body stopped breathing and when her body stopped breathing and when her body was taken away, it was not her, just her shell.  Kent said he felt the same, during the last her body was just mechanical or reflex breathing, but Suzanne had left.  Just as it was with Marjorie when I saw Suzanne’s body in the casket I had no feeling of it being her at all. And didn’t even thing it looked like her.  I had Marjorie’s casket closed and didn’t have a viewing, just had a picture on the casket.

Suzanne’s ward has been so supportive and helped so much, the luncheon after the service was beautifully done.  Several of my sweet little grandchildren cling to me, and I to them, my heart melted and as I write this my children and families are visiting each other in their homes of those in this area and I like that.

It is hard to think of life without Suzanne.

I have had a lot of phone calls including President Rex Lee of BYU.  I was scheduled to attend the BUY President’s Round Table and other events – also some lovely letters very touching.  There is so much that could be said, O Suzanne I love you so. 

May 21, 1995

I have since performed the Sealing of Kent and Deborah in the L.A. Temple.  We all felt a sweet spirit and think Deborah will make a wonderful “acting mother” for Suzanne’s children – and in talking to Kent, it seems they are very happy and adjusting well. 

May 5, 1996

My uncle David Owen Brown passed away.  He was a very respected attorney and Judge in Mesa Arizona, was always good to me.  I am now the oldest surviving of my Grandfather Brown’s family.

April 6, 1997

For nearly 5 years I have been the missionary doctor for the Arcadia Mission and now recently for the Los Angeles mission, also.

I have given 1275 Patriarchal Blessings and am still serving as a Sealer in the Los Angeles Temple.  I’ve been reflecting that I have served in a Stake calling for 41 consecutive years, High council 3 years, Stake Presidency 18 years, patriarch 20 years (Sealer 18 years in June).  I am in charge of Sealing’s Tuesday afternoon and evening, and in a recent prayer meeting a new sealer commented that he couldn’t understand why he was called to be a sealer and have that sacred privilege.  I told him the rest of us wondered the same thing about our selves.  But Robert L. Simpson told us when he was Temple President that we were each fore ordained to be Sealers, and I have taken comfort in that.

June 15, 1997 
A month ago at age 92 plus years Marjorie’s mother broke her hip and her let wrist.  She has a good attitude is still alert and determined to walk again.

July 21, 1997 
Sometime ago I was telling some friends about where I was when World War II ended.  I was a combat engineer Battalion having been in England France, and Germany, when the European campaign ended and we were shipped to the Philippines Island to await the invasion of Japan.  One evening we were in a large barn with a tin roof watching a movie, “The Big Sleep” when the movie was stopped and it was announced that the Japanese had accepted the Potsdam agreement.  Pandemonium broke loose, we all had our rifles and men were shooting them off and going crazy.   Finally an old Colonel got things quieted down and told us he was in World War I when it ended and many men were hurt or killed accidently with the armistice was announced.  He said be careful don’t shoot your guns; we want you all to go home now that we have come this far.

Many young people who were not there decry or wring their hands at our dropping the atomic Bomb but they don’t realize how many lives were saved on both sides, if we had to invade Japan the loss would have been astronomical we would have pulverized them with conventional bombing their the invasion would have been so bloody, they were conditioned to fight fanatically.

They started the war were unmerciful in their attacks on China, Manchuria and the South Pacific Islands, killed many invent civilians were extremely cruel and barbaric.

November 9, 1997 
Marjorie’s mother died the 2nd of November.  She was 93 and ready to do.  She told Norma, I’ve tried to die 3 times and you won’t let me, please stop it.”

The service was more of a celebration for a life well lived.  I never enjoyed Mother in law jokes because they don’t apply to my wonderful mother in law.

Jim conducted the service; Jenny, Christie and Chandra play a violin trio “I need thee every hour.  Jill gave the obituary, I spoke then each of the grandchildren gave a very appropriate tender tribute and testimony.  All my children came even David from Michigan.

August 15, 1998 
Rachel Ann Gardiner was married to Robert Lawrence Radoff today she looked so lovely.  Her older brother Chad came home from his mission, looks good and so much like his mother Suzanne, I wanted to cry.

June 20, 1999

Eric Gardiner has received his mission call to Denver Colorado.

Glenn Goodman has been called as Bishop of a newly created Ward in Yuba City.

Jim Jr has been called to his Stake High Council

All of above in the first 2 weeks including Lechelle Wooten graduating from high School.

June 27 1999

Rachel Gardiner Radoff called me to ask if I would perform their sealing in the L.A. Temple August 14.  I am very grateful for that.

Glenn Goodman was called to be bishop of a new ward in Yuba City CA a few days later he lost his job and then they received a cashiers check for 500.00 from an anonymous donor.

August 14, 1999 
I had the privilege of performing the sealing of Marjorie and my Granddaughters Rachel Ann Gardiner to Robert Lawrence Radoff in the Los Angeles Temple.

September 24, 1999

Elaine and I flew to Salt Lake to attend BYU celebration of their Lighting the Way fund raising drive attended a banquet where president Hinckley was present and we go to have our picture taken with him.  He asked me what year was that Rolls Royce and how many do you have?  I said, “Only one, times are tough”

December 19, 1999 
52 years ago Marjorie and I were married in the Mesa Temple.

Yesterday I performed the marriage of Chad Aaron Gardiner, Suzanne’s oldest ton to Maryssa Hill Montgomery in the L.A. Temple.  The day before on the 14th I was able to go to an endowment session with Chad, as he was there with his fiancée to receive her endowment, he was by himself and I’m grateful I was there to be with him

August 11-13m 2000

Some time ago I told Chandra about hearing Meditation from Massenet Opera This in a bombed out Cathedral in Germany in 1945 and as well as being a lovely melody she learned it on the violin.  Played it to me, what a nice gift (brought tears.)

All of our grandchildren seem to be gifted, Marjorie must be proud of them.

January 20, 2002

Today we started back attending our regular ward.  We sat near a young mother with 6 children about the age my children when we first moved in our ward, I remembered how it was with Marjorie and I then – I wish it could have lasted longer – and I wish I could have done better.

February 20, 2002

Jus got word that my only sister Louise Barrett was found dead in her condo apt by her daughter, apparently of natural causes, had been dead several days.  I have been very reflective and aching many memories of our childhood and the years intervening.

September 24, 2002

I have an oriental neighbor that several years ago I gave a rotor tiller machine because he was growing vegetables to sell and needed a machine like I had.  I didn’t think anything of it.

Today I went down to see them because I heard the wife had been sick.  During our visit they told me that her father just died and he previously did not believe in God.  This man and his wife had been praying for a tiller and could not afford one.  When I gave them the tiller out of the blue not even knowing I had one, or me knowing he needed one, they live down the hill from us.  The man was convinced that it was an answer to prayer, and died a believer in a God.

May 18, 2003 
Also this month I performed the temple marriage of Eric James Gardiner to Hayley Lewis, I delivered him on my birthday.  I also gave Chelsea Wooten and Shawn Adams patriarchal blessings.

June 19, 3003 
My last brother Robert Lewis Brown was found dead in his assisted living apartment.  He is nearly 3 years younger than me.  He never re married after his wife died.  I suspect I may have died had not I remarried.

Bob and I were quite close being the 2 oldest we worked together on the farm, slept together in a tent summer and winter outside the house, because we only had a 3 room house, we were in our teens before we had indoor plumbing.

After Bob’s wife died Bob worked in the L.A. Temple we used to ride in together and we had some great times exchanging jokes etc.  even when he moved to Texas to be close to his daughter we would email each other jokes.

I called him yesterday each told a joke and told each other we loved them.  I will miss him.  I am the oldest living descendant of my Grandfather Brown. 

February 7, 2004 
I lay awake many nights unable to sleep.  I used to have older patients who had the same problem.  I think of many things, childhood, the war (WWII)_ Marjorie, each of our children, old friends (most are dead now) I review a lot of my mistakes and regrets, aching for Marjorie grateful for Elaine, worrying about our children and their families.

It was so clear to me this morning that the most desirable condition ever is to be “right” with the Lord and be guided by his Spirit in our relationships as child, spouse or sibling or to his other children.

July 22, 2004 
Marjorie died 17 years ago today Last Sunday in our Gospel Doctrine class I realized I delivered the teacher.

September 19, 2004

Elaine is lying upstairs in bed dying, same room as Marjorie died in

My heart is being torn and stretched with a sense of loss yet with gratitude for the great gift of 16 years.

She is dying just like Marjorie metastatic cancer spread to the bones from an unknown primary.

The last two weeks of August we went on a 2-week Scandinavian Cruse while the Temple was closed.  Just before we left she complained of some back and hop pain.  It was relieved by over the counter arthritis medication and we assumed that it was a flare up of arthritis pain, which she has had over the years!  During the trip it became very severe.  Fortunately I had taken with us some strong pain pills and we got through the trip England, Germany, Estonia, Finland, Russia, Sweden and Denmark.  We traveled with Jack and Betty McEwen.  Has we waited a week to go we could not have gone.  The day after we got home I arrange bone scans, MRI and CAT scans etc. and confirmed the diagnoses of what clinically I knew she had!

Her children have all been here and support the decision not to treat her heroically.  There have been some very tender sweet family visits as I observe it, I cry inside.

So many want to help, and I tell them, “just pray she does not suffer.”

October 2, 2004 
Elaine passed away 4 am upstairs in our bedroom where Marjorie passed away.  I had hospice help us and I took care of her at home as with Marjorie.  I don’t think I loved her more than when I was taking care of her.

October 24, 2004 
I had told Elaine that I wanted to outlive her 2 weeks so she would not have to be widowed again, it is now a day past 3 weeks.

Being widowed the 2nd time is a very stretching experience, I now miss Marjorie more while I miss Elaine very much I realize she is no longer my wife.  She is sealed to Rex.  I am grateful to have experienced the sweetness of a tender relationship with another wonderful woman and as I was privileged to be there caring for both Marjorie and Elaine as mortality faded I got just a glimpse of the sacred preciousness of daughter’s of God and as I felt the sacred impact of that once in a lifetime experience, my heart ached and nearly broke at the significance.

I have periods of a sick empty feeling, then when I get tired of my pity party I am filled with gratitude, Elaine’s children have been very supportive and good to me, I hope we can remain close.  Marjorie and my children have been very helpful and concerned.

November 24, 2004 
A lot has happened including selling our home of about 43 years and buying another, the first without Marjorie unless she helped me from the other side, I’d like to think so.

December 19 2004 Marjorie and my 57th wedding anniversary, here as I am in my lovely new home with such a magnificent view of the entire valley I have a completely landscaped acre with a swimming pool, home filled with too much furniture, rugs and accessories mementos, paintings etc.  Yes wishing I could go back to that little house trailer with no bathroom and Marjorie there.

Moving was a miracle.  I had all my children and about 45 people from the ward move me in 2 days.  My children arranged the home like they thought Marjorie would have and I feel they came close.

Christmas is near, all the music and programs remind me of many Christmases and people long gone, Christmases during the depression when we would have had no presents if it were not for a childless aunt, who had a husband who had a job and she saw to it that we had presents.  I remember one Christmas my mother walked to town and paid 15 cents for a 2nd handbook for me for Christmas.  Then of course the wonderful Christmases with Marjorie.  She loved Christmas, nativity sets and Christmas, particularly the missionaries on Christmas Eve.  We had 36 missionaries for dinner and program some very sweet memories I had some nice Christmases with Elaine and her family also. 

January 23, 2005 
Had a nice Christmas Jim and Carol and 8 of their children (James on a mission) Kent and 5 of his children (Ryan on his mission) Lechelle miraculously escaped the tidal wave in Thailand by coming home a week early.  The people she was going to stay with in her original plans were killed.

July 24, 2005 
In my recent prayers I have pled with the Lord to help me to not do anything with my last days that would be displeasing to Him or Marjorie as I sat with Norma in the conference Center and thinking of how it was exactly 18 years to the day that Marjorie died, I turned to Norma and proposed she accepted and we plan to marry soon, she will keep her condo in Mesa and we will have 2 homes, hers incidentally she bought from Elaine.  I will still be Uncle Jim to her family and she will be Aunt Norma to ours.

August 18, 2005 
Her bishop in Mesa at Three Fountains Club house where Norma has her condo married Norma and me.

We had good representation from all four families, Norma has been married 2 times before also.  We then left for Canada to take the Rocky Mountain rail trip dome liner through the Canadian Rockies to Baniff and Lake Louise.

November 20, 2005 
A lovely Sabbath, our home is in such a beautiful spot in the hills with abundant foliage, privacy and spectacular view.

I prepared my Priest quorum lesson, didn’t have time for the lesson with the necessary quorum business, but I got a lot out of preparing it so I was not disappointed actually I was relieved.  I’m not a gifted teacher like Marjorie.  Not having a Ward calling for nearly 50 years I have a great deal to learn.

I enjoy having Norma with me   She is a very sweet lady. 

April 9, 2006 
At Ben and Holly’s baby blessing Holly’s grandfather took me for a ride in his Rolls Royce Silver Ghost.  He has a marvelous collection of cars, the time “know how” money equipment and space and can do things I wanted to but couldn’t with my cars.  I had a brief twinge of envy but it quickly passed as I thought of the Rolls I sold and it took Marjorie and I to New Zealand, later China and The last I sold and took our children to Nauvoo with their spouses.

April 25, 2006 
Rereading my journal is a healing experience.  I’m glad I wrote what I have, even though I’m the only one able to decipher it.

June 28, 2006 
I do a lot of sitting, listening to music that reminds me of old dreams and yearnings, people I love and miss, music reminds me of events and people.  When I think back on my youth dreams I think I was always longing for Marjorie just didn’t know what it was until the Lord gave her to me.  There are some pieces that fill me with inexpressible longing for her and each of our children.  As I agonize over decisions I need to make, I wish she were here and I ask myself what would she like me to do.

October 28, 2007 
Norma and I returned last night from a tour with the Sons of the Utah Pioneers on a bus trip to the Mexican Colonies where my mother was born.  We attended 2 temples, Colonia Juarez and Hermeetllo and saw part of Copper Canyon.  We spent 2 nights in Dublin where mother was born.  By coincidence one of my Hurst cousins was on the bus.  We have the same great grandfathers; Philip Hurst and Norma met a woman on the tour who shares great Grandfathers with Marjorie and her.

The Colonia Juarez Temple is the smallest temple in the church, I have attended about 26 Temples and I have never felt the spirit stronger than there and had a great feeling of love and appreciation for my family and others in their faithfulness, being bi lingual and love of the Spanish speaking people provided most of the early missionaries mission residence etc.  That established the church in central and South America and could really see how the Lord was in charge.  I’m sure the early pioneers could not see how their trials persecutions etc. were blessing and preparing them to build up his Kingdom.  As I contemplated this a number of times in the Temples tears came to my eyes.

March 12, 2008 
I renewed my driver’s license today.  I had been dreading it hoping I could pass the vision test only having one good eye since birth (congenital amblyopia) and at 87 at has aged.  I got new glasses and managed to pass.  I suspect it will be my last.  Most of the kales in y family haven’t lived past 90 so at 92 when 5 years is up, if I’m still alive; I will probably be a menace.  When I was 82 and renewed I felt it could be my last.  I think my hillside home with its steep driveway and working the weeds and walking up in the hills is keeping me alive.  I feel better if I have exerted myself each day.

August 24, 2008 
Norma’s is in Arizona for a few days and I’ve been going through a lot of my papers personal and Marjorie’s.  Also some of Elaine’s that I kept.  It has been good for me reminding me of how blessed I’ve been.  I did not weed out very much and my family will have to look at letters, pictures of people they don’t know and who are dead.  I am sorry but throw it out if you like, its good for me to review, periodically while I’m alive.  But I realize my era is almost gone.  Most of the newspaper articles my mother sent me are about people in Arizona that our children will not know but I like to look at them, if I know when I was going to die I’d throw them all away the week before.

April 3, 2009 
Successfully passed my 889th birthday on the 26th of March.  It has been 71 years since I graduated from High School.

I just finished reading a book of people’s remembrances of World War II.  When it started during and when it ended in Europe and then the pacific.  I was riding up to Salt Lake from Provo with my Father’s cousin Bruce Lyman and we heard of the bombing of Pearl Harbor on the car radio.  I still remember the foreboding realization of how our lives would be changed.

I was in Germany as a combat engineer battalion when the war needed there.  We were then shipped to the Philippines and were part of the preparations to invade Japan.  When the bomb was dropped.  We were watching an outdoor movie “The big Sleep” with Humphrey Bogart.  We all had our rifles etc.  The movie was topped and it was announces that Japan has surrendered.  Pandemonium broke out; men were shooting off their rifles in the air etc.  Finally an old Colonel quieted us down and said he was in Europe when World War I ended and quite a few men lost their lives or were injured through carless celebrating and he wanted all to get hoe safe.  I feel that had the bomb not been dropped and we had to invade Japan by conventional bombing etc. It may not have come home as well as thousands of others on both sides.

I think of many I knew who were killed and didn’t get to know someone like Marjorie and our children.

November 4, 2009 
In the afternoon of Halloween my right inguinal hernia incarcerated

And part of my intestine was strangulated.  I called my good and dear friend Dr. Jeff Tsae that Marjorie and I went to China with and who took care of Marjorie when she died.  He said, “go to the emergency room, Ill meet you there we will hook a direct dermal and do emergency surgery.  Jim Smith took me and Jeff was waiting he operated before gangrene set in and I’m doing fine.  I went home the next day.  People have been so kind. 

April 24, 2010 
For the past 2 months Norma’s has been very ill.  I.C.U. three times in the hospital and car facility etc.  She is very discouraged.

I was driving to the temple today alone feeling unsure of my self at 89 wondering what to do and if I should not try to keep going and I began to think about Marjorie and it felt like she was with me and I regained my confidence.  It was such a good feeling; even during the marriage I performed I felt her presence.  What a sweet gift from the Lord.

July 22, 2010 
Norma is still in the Hospital alternating with ICU and care center.  I try to see her at least twice a day except on July 11 Jenny and I flew up to be at Christies farewell an setting apart for her mission to Brazil. 

Last entry: Jan 23, 2011 
Our Stake presidency was changed today.  34 years ago this month I was released as Stake President and ordained a Patriarch by Elder L. Tom Perry.

I was impressed how each member of the new Presidency had been prepared and that everything was under the direction of the Lord.  The counsel given by Elder Bowen and Elder Carmogo of the Seventy was inspired.

Starting early this morning I have been thinking of how much I have been blessed and I am determined to live, say and think more in harmony with my blessings.