Monday, October 8, 2018

The Power of Love and The Skill of Attributing Positive Intent

From the book:  Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline By Becky Bailey

The Power of Love, Seeing the best in one another
What you offer to others, you experience within yourself.

What you see in others you strengthen in yourself.

When we do this we feel good inside.

If you offer others love and gratitude you will feel warm and blessed.

Your sense of self esteem does not come from how others view you but how you see other people.

If you see other people as missing, lacking and not good enough you inhibit change from occurring and also destroy your own sense of value. Feeling powerless you are primed to blame others for your discomfort.

Love sees the best in people.

When you give people credit for having good intentions you will have far more good days than bad and you will keep your self esteem high. You will also highlight for your children the best aspects of themselves and others. That is powerful.

1. Wish people well
2. When you notice a mistake, attribute a positive intent
3.  Affirm to yourself, "What I offer to others, I give to myself."

The Skill of Attributing Positive Intent Turning Resistance into Cooperation
Your approach to your child's mistakes will shape how they approach mistakes the rest of their lives.

You can:
1. Blame or accuse your child by attributing negative motives to behavior and that his mistakes mean that he is bad or
2. Teach them mistakes are just that, mistakes.

This skill comes from the power of Love which reminds us to see the best in one another.

Aristotle's, "You become what you do." 

To err is human, to forgive divine.

You will view your own mistakes more lovingly.

Negativity breeds resistance and optimism yields cooperation

1. Attribute positive intent to clerks, politicians, food servers and others
2. Cut off punitive self talk
3. Make a list of ways to show love to others

tending to make moral judgments or judgments based on personal opinions

disapproval expressed by pointing out faults or shortcomings

Distorted perception, stalled progress, and lack of mercy are only a few of the spiritual hazards of finding fault with others.

Faultfinding distorts our perception in a number of ways. First, we inaccurately see ourselves as superior. When we become preoccupied with the weaknesses of others, our attention is distracted from our own faults. We develop a kind of spiritual farsightedness, focusing our vision on faults of others, and our spiritual eyes may begin to play tricks on us as we see right through things that are much closer—our own faults.

“charity towards all men.” D&C 121:45

Matthew 7:3 [Matt. 7:3] describes this curious condition: “Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”

“Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God. …“The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion” (D&C 121:45–46).

Eldon Tanner on Judging
Judging Others

The King James Version reads: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matt. 7:1), making it sound as if no one should ever judge others. But the JST footnote clarifies the doctrine: “Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged:but judge righteous judgment.

The context of verses 2–5 suggests that looking for fault in others or critically condemning others is what is being censured by the Savior. He has counseled us to be merciful, to deal justly, and to judge others righteously—to make appropriate ethical appraisals of others under the influence of the Spirit (see Alma 41:14D&C 11:12D&C 121:41–45). He warned us to “cease to find fault one with another” (D&C 88:124) because “with [that same] judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged” (Matt. 7:2).
 The Apostle Paul warned of this tendency: “Thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things” (Rom. 2:1; emphasis added).

“And now, my brethren, I have spoken unto you concerning pride; and those of you which have afflicted your neighbor, and persecuted him because ye were proud in your hearts, of the things which God hath given you, what say ye of it?
“Do ye not suppose that such things are abominable unto him who created all flesh? And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other. And all flesh is of the dust” (Jacob 2:20–21).

When you assume positive intent you let others know you have confidence in them, and people will often go to great lengths for someone who believes in them.
Uchtdorf talk
Indra Nooyi, the CEO of PepsiCo, describes learning to assume positive intent as the best advice she’s ever received:

My father was an absolutely wonderful human being. From ecent emailhim I learned to always assume positive intent. Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response. You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying to understand and listen because at your basic core you are saying, ‘Maybe they are saying something to me that I’m not hearing.’ So ‘assume positive intent’ has been a huge piece of advice for me.
In business, sometimes in the heat of the moment, people say things. You can either misconstrue what they’re saying and assume they are trying to put you down, or you can say, ‘Wait a minute. Let me really get behind what they are saying to understand whether they’re reacting because they’re hurt, upset, confused, or they don’t understand what it is I’ve asked them to do.’ If you react from a negative perspective – because you didn’t like the way they reacted – then it just becomes two negatives fighting each other. But when you assume positive intent, I think often what happens is the other person says, ‘Hey, wait a minute, maybe I’m wrong in reacting the way I do because this person is really making an effort.

 The Apostle Paul thus counseled the Philippians, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” (Philip. 2:3.)
Assume positive intent” is definitely a top quality of life best practice among the people I have interviewed for my book. The reasons are obvious. It will make you feel better, your relationships will thrive and it’s an approach more greatly aligned with reality.  But less understood is how such a shift in mindset brings your professional game to a different level.
Not only does such a shift make you more likable to your colleagues, but it also unleashes your talents further through a more focused, less distracted mind. Kit Cooper