Monday, April 30, 2018

Suzanne's Journals

1963 Saturday, August 17 

5 Acre fire Perils Home in Hacienda Heights
County firemen held to five acres a potentially dangerous brush fire Friday that whipped through Hacienda Heights canyon threatening luxurious hillside homes.

the fire was confined to the east side of the winding 2300 block of Turnbull Canyon Road.  It reduced a canyon recreation area used extensively by children to a maze of blackened trees and white ash.

Some 25 homes were threatened. Flames raced to within 30 feet of a large two-story landmark home owned by Dr. and Mr. James C. Brown parents of six children.  Huge avocado trees in the path of the blaze were destroyed.

Inside the home. Mrs. Brown said she didn't know there was a fire until fire trucks screamed into her driveway. She rushed three children who were home to a neighbor's house.

Firefighters were directed by the Batt. Chief  Gary Goodwin who reported eight engine companies two patrol units and two camp crews were engaged.

Report of the fire was turned in by Larry Arnold 13, of 1835 Valecito Ave, who spotted smoke curling out of the canyon as he rode horseback across the hills.  The cause of the fire was under investigation.

1963 Prayer
The power of prayer is great.  Prayer helps you develop faith and a testimony of the gospel.  Many faith stimulating experiences have happened to almost everybody.  Take for instance in our family when our home was threatened by fire.  Each person said their own prayer, aloud or silently but from the heart and our home was saved.  Later we learned that the northward wind that miraculously save our home, blew the fire toward another home, owned by the Smiths (Not Pres Smith).  The Smith family had gathered in prayer and asked Heavenly Father to protect them. Immediately a westward wind pushed the fire back into the canyon and extinguished it.  The fireman called it "a rare coincidence" that two winds should suddenly come up and save the homes.  But we knew it was more than just a "rare coincidence" .  That night when we held family prayer, we felt closer than ever to our Father in Heaven.

Another time when I was five or six, my brother Charles fell out of the car and injured his head quite seriously.  My mother stayed with him at the hospital and my father visited at frequent intervals.  Every morning and every night we asked both in our family prayers and our private prayers for our Heavenly Father's help and guidance. Just before the operation the elders blessed Charles. then it was decided that the operation was not needed. Thus the power of prayer has helped our family, not only at these times, but other times as well. 

1963 Fire (Written in the 1970s)
My parents' balconied, two-story home centered on a terraced green-crowned hill, bordered on one side by a deep stream-etched, tree-tunneled ravine. Headed by a small pond where I had spent after­noons jumping after frogs, a foot-wide stream tripped over smooth rocks past logs and boulders, and coursed under giant oak, elm, sycamore and even a couple of graceful weeping willow. The tiny valley floor was covered with a lush ground creeper except where ancient paths and horse trails treaded through and meandered up steep weedy slopes to the winding highway on one side and my parents home on the other. Walking home from school, my brothers and sisters and usually cut through this little hideaway, wading barefoot in the stream, surprising jackrabbits and occasionally a coyote or skunk, and filling our bellies with juicy blackberries from a wild neck-high patch that smothered several acres, from the valley floor and wandered towards our house.

Midway up the terraced slope and ending just before the black­berry patch, a detached arm of avocado trees curled around the hill. The trees were growing along two steep terraces, one ten feet above the other, in parallel rows. Gnarled branches intertwined and threw leafy veils over each other like an old women sharing a blanket. Pulling the green skirts carefully aside, one had the awesome feeling of walking inside an arched cathedral. A rich brown carpet of moist leaves cushioned one's steps. My siblings and I each picked our very own special tree, and while hugging a pulsing limb or squatting on the warm lap of my tree, I liked to pretend it knew my voice and waited for my footstep.

Outside the tree cave and following a path leading towards the canyon outlet, one rounded a point which overlooked the entire ravine. At the bottom of the trail, near the foot of the canyon and several yards, above the creek, rambled a gigantic mulberry bush that we had christened the "Five-Room Fort" because of the molded caverns inside its lacy interior. It was out of earshot from my mother's call and so I snuck inside Saturday mornings to escape chores or to relish a box of strawberry Jell-O swiped from the pantry shelf.

When the surrounding wild mustard and rye went emerald and soft in the spring after a hard rain, it rolled from terrace to terrace in the waist-high grass, burroughing and spinning breathlessly until the sky whirled and pinned me to the earth. The canyon and hilly slope were a special childhood playground, filled with treasured ,memories and shared secrets.
Then came the fire. It started by a careless cigarette thrown over the edge of the highway; it ate its way down the canyon side, claiming one willow, and raged up the other side, devouring the blackberry patch. Licking its fiery breath at my sacred avocado tunnel, it raced down the hillside again, picked off the “Five-Room Fort", and left the lower half of the canyon utterly devastated.

How clearly I remember the desolate scene I surveyed the neat morning from the blackened point. A sickening stench assaulted my nostrils--a thick bitter odor of burnt matter and death hung in the air. The earth was charred and shouldering angrily. Scattered here and there were little piles of blanched bones from small rodents unable to escape the fire. Trees and bushes surround the ravine slumped in the heavy air like dangling skeletons .  All that remained of the "Five-Room Fort" was a white tangled web. Most of the cave of avocado trees survived although it was scarred and hideously transfigured.The magic and beauty was gone. Wounded branches and tendrils writhed grotesquely. Some trees stood limp and wilting, while others crouched stark and bare.

It was gone. A whole world of beauty, childhood play and fantasy was vanished. Sitting on my doorstep now and watching my children play, so many years later, I shuttered to think what might have happened if I hadn't found that smoldering rag in the kitchen broom closet.

1967 January 24, Language Class

Admission One Cent
Everyone has their own private fantasies or pleasures, but I think Disneyland is every one's favorite. There are so many wonderful things to see on just Main Street alone, that one has to crane their neck to try to take it all in.  But of all the fantastic things there are to see, I believe the Penny Arcade interests me most.

Even the outside of the building cries for attention.  All brightly lighted in a splash of bright colors and lighted with twinkling stars it is a remnant of other times remembered only in the heart of another and older generation.  Inside there are rows upon rows of polished cash register like machines, blotted out by a few small dark and inquisitive onlookers.  The protruding eye slots or machines are much like oversized mouths of tea pots.  By paying the fee of one cent and cranking the lever at the side one soon sees a lively assortment of blushing maidens and their love sick beaus or courageous sheriffs gunning down evil doers and a number of glorious stage coach robberies.  It is like going to the theater with only a cent for admission.

But what is really fun is to imagine someone whom is not quite such a good friend as the bad guy when you are the sheriff gunning him down.  

Sometimes as I watch these miniature movies I wonder if we don't really  miss something in this modern and advanced world of ours.

1970 January 
Life and a Candle
Life is like a candle sputtering in the dark, burring on a wick of uncertain length which might be severed at any moment.

Like a flame gulping for air; we reach for truth and light.  
Unlike the candle, our life does not end when it reaches the end of its wick, but burns on like a phoenix

Some flames will have the brightness of a star, the splendor of the moon or even the glory of the sun, according to how intensely they glowed while burning on the wick.  For like the candle needing air to survive so must people have truth.  But they can not only receive it, they must give also.  How much giving and receiving combined, determine the intensity at which they burn after death.

I know a beautiful and wonderful man who lived his life to it's fullest extent and both gave and received truth.  David O. McKay died last Sunday morning, at the age of 96, after living a long and prosperous life.  But to say "died" in the right sense is really wrong.  He went home. And I'm sure he will continue to live and be prosperous, burning as bright as he did while he lived on earth.

Death steals softly by,
Passport to another World
Leaving some to cry....
The white flying soul
Rushing free, always homeward,
Racing past the dim stars.

Leaves whipped by the wind,
Whirl in their autumn death dance
Dreaming of Rebirth.

1970 Cedar Lake Camp, Suzanne is 15
I arrived at the church house early Monday morning, sleepy eyed and filled with anticipation.  I, my baggage, and my sleeping bag were all dumped unceremoniously into the parking lot to wait for the arrival of the bus along with all the other girls in my stake and get checked in. Finally it came and we settled down for a hot dusty ride to Ceder Lake, Big Bear a good  2 hours away.  We sang and told ghost stories and jokes to keep our spirits up

Cedar Lake is a man--made lake surrounded by rickety cottages and a lodge.  The lodge is very much like a hotel--each room is a carbon copy of the next.  We arrived about noon and promptly set out to explore the place from top to bottom.

The food was fair and the beds so so, but we had a great time swimming, jogging, playing volleyball, sang a song and archery and making arts and crafts. I made a relief picture out of feather, flowers, a paper plate, macaroni and gold paint.

I also worked on my yearling award.  I passed that and my test.  First Aid which was a part of it.  It will be very useful for my in the future at home or on camping trips.

We also had fun toilet papering people's units and playing with squirt guns.  The camp had a store where we could buy candy and post cards.

On Thursday afternoon we went on an overnight hike and camp out.  We hiked about 5 miles only to find we had gone around in a circle and were not more than 100 yards from the lodge!

We all had a wonderful time. Suzanne Brown.

1971 Brian 1
When someone I am very close to, Marie, was a freshman and sophomore in high school, she developed a big crush on Brian, an older LDS boy in a ward that shared the same building as hers. He would show up for seminary with his younger brother Dave, and visit with her in the church patio before, after, and sometimes during seminary, then give Marie, her best friend Linda, his brother Dave, and Dave's girlfriend Marcia, a ride to school in his new yellow Camaro.

Brian was 22 years old, and had recently returned from serving in the Marinas in Viet Nam. Since he was older and so much more experienced than all the other boys at school and church, he seemed so much more fascinating to Marie  and her best friend, Linda, a great surfer, had a marvelous tan, gorgeous thick blond hair, and sometimes grew a mustache and beard, he sang in a rock band with his brother Dave and some other LDS youth and was the best dancer that Marie had ever seen. Break-dancing was popular even then, and when Brian met Marie at school and church dances, everyone cleared the floor to watch them dance together. Everyone soon accepted Brian as Marie's guy, and it gave her a tremendous source of pride to show him off to her school friends.

While in Viet Nam, Brian had begun drinking and doing drugs, and while he never did this in front of Marie and Linda, it was nevertheless common knowledge among the kids at church,  it was rumored that several boys in his ward , particularly his brother and the guys  in the rock band, began to pick up the same habits. Somehow, these things just added to his sophistication and worldly mystique. Marie's parents did not approve of Brian, and so Marie usually arranged to meet him without telling her parents.

A few months before Marie turned 16, the high school sponsored a Sadie Hawkins Dance, and everyone, including Brian assumed that she was going to ask him to go with her. She hadn't figured out how she was going to get around her parents No-Dating-Until-Sixteen Rule, but she imagined that she could easily meet him at her girlfriend Linda's. As the time drew nearer for the dance, however, Marie's conscience began to bother her. Mentally she began comparing him to another young man in her ward who was a priest and senior in high school. This young man, whose name was Ken, was president of his seminary class and active in school politics. He was wholesome and clean cut, and every Sunday worthily blessed the Sacrament. Even though Marie rarely talked or associated with Ken, she watched him every Sunday sitting up at the Sacrament table, so handsome in his suit and his humble but confidant manner, and in her heart she yearned to have a boyfriend like him. The Sunday before the dance she asked Ken after church if he would go with her. He said that he would think about it and let her know. Well, the next morning, at seminary, Ken told Marie that he decided no, and did not tell her why. Marie thought that it was because he was hoping another girl in the ward would ask him. Although she was mortified, she knew that Brian was still expecting her to ask him. She debated in her mind whether or not to go ahead and ask Brian as her second choice, her best friend Linda came up to her and asked... .are you going to ask Brian or aren’t you? Because, if you're not, I wondered if it would be alright with you if asked him to go with me?"

Marie thought about this a bit, and knew that if she told Linda to go ahead and ask Brian, that she would probably end up staying home that night, one of the few girls in the church and school who did. But she also knew that in her heart she had made a commitment to like the kind of young man that Ken represented, and be the kind of girl that he would like to go with, even though he had turned her down. So she pretended that she didn't care and told Linda to go ahead.

That Saturday night Marie stayed home with her family, washed her hair, went to bed early, and tried not to feel sorry for herself. She comforted herself with the knowledge that the next day she could call Linda and she would tell her everything that happened.

The next morning in church, Marie did not see Linda, so she anxiously called her when she got home, only to find out that Linda had spent the night in jail! and had only just been released. It seems that Linda's parents had let her go on a double date with Brian and his brother Dave and Dave's girlfriend Marcia, all of whom were LDS, even though Linda was not 16 yet. They had had a wonderful time at the dance, and after wards, went to Taco Bell. About 1 am, a police car pulled up beside them and the police searched them and the car and found some marijuana and other drugs in the trunk. They impounded the car and threw all of them in jail. They separated the boys and girls and put them in separate drunk tanks--one for men and the other for women. Linda described the terror she and Brian felt spending the night in this dismal room with prostitutes, drunks, and drug addicts, the vomit on though floor, the graffiti on the walls, the bare light bulb, exposed toilet, the foul language of the occupants, the humility of being thoroughly searched by female police officers etc. These two LDS girls, who had gone with LDS boys whom they knew had bad standards, huddled together in a corner of the jail and sang primary songs together throughout the remainder of the night, until their parents could come and get them. Charges against the girls were dropped, but Brian faced some years in jail and several thousand dollars in fines because this was a second offense for him.

Marie was stunned. She went outside to climb an old avocado tree and ponder this while waiting for her father to get home so she could tell him. Suddenly the standards that her parents upheld seemed less restrictive and more protective than ever. As she pondered this and prayed to ask the Lord to bless and help Brian, she began praying for herself too, as she realized how close she had come to spending the night in jail instead of Linda. She knew that she had no business even associating with a boy like Brian, and the more she thought about it, the harder she began to pray for the Lord's help in her life for the first time— Then as still as a summer's day, she felt the Lord speak peace to her mind and spirit, and assure her that he had been with her in the past, was with her now, and would still be with her in the future. This was a turning point in Marie's life and personal standards. A few months later she began to go with a young man who was preparing himself to go on a mission.

1973 (Written in 1985) 
I have a good friend. named Sue, who when she was a senior and Laurel in High School looked forward to the return of a special young man from his mission. She had written to him for nearly two years, and when she became discouraged with the "slim pickings' in the dating scene, she kept reminding herself about Terry, her missionary, whom she had put on a pedestal of ideal manhood.

A few months before Terry came home from his mission, Sue went to a regional youth dance and met Chris, a fine non-LDS young man who had come with his best friend who was a return missionary. Sue was immediately drawn to him, his athletic good looks, wholesome manner, and sensitive, thoughtful actions. She invited him to attend church with her and have dinner with her family. They soon began to see a great deal of each other. he always treated her with respect and tenderness, more so in fact than any other boy that she had ever dated. He never pushed himself on her like some LDS boys that she had dated, but when he walked her to the door (always before her parents wanted her in) he would gently squeeze her hand, or lightly kiss her cheek and tell her how much he appreciated her and enjoyed her company. He seemed very mature, confident, honest, kind, and had a very charitable attitude towards others, especi­ally those who needed help. As often as possible Sue discussed the gospel with Chris, who had begun the missionary discussions in their home of his return missionary best friend. Chris had been raised in t he Church of Christ, believed in God, had very high Christian principles, and was open and receptive to gospel discussions. Sue took him to the Visitor's Center and he was very moved by the spirit and message there, and wrote on the guest register underneath the section for comments--"Absolutely Beautiful!" Sue found herself caring for him very deeply.

In the meantime, Terry, her missionary, came home. But instead of being the "ideal" young man that she had imagined him to be for two years, she found him to be unpredictable and emotionally unbalanced as he went through a severe personality adjustment after his mission. He either went for weeks without calling her or seeing her, or else he followed her around like a puppy and played practical jokes on her. She was quickly becoming disgusted with him, and more and more in love with Chris.

In the meantime Chris, who showed that he really cared for Sue and was sweetly attentive to her, was less and less inclined to discuss the gospel and began changing the subject when she brought up the church. His return missionary friend told Sue that Chris began missing his missionary discussions, was not following through on his Book of Mormon reading assignments, and did not seem to be praying about the gospel even though he would commit to do so with the missionaries. In fact, Chris seemed to be taking the church very lightly now. To make matters worse , Sue's parents, who had always been uneasy about her dating Chris, began pressuring her to quit seeing him unless he showed greater interest in the church and set a date for baptism. In an effort to encourage Chris, Sue began to seriously study and read through the Book of Mormon for the first time in her life. She read every church pamphlet she could get her hands on, several church books, and began earnestly praying about the prophetic calling of Joseph Smith and the divinity of the Book of Mormon. She wept when she read of Jesus blessing the little children and how they were encircled by fire, ministered to by angels, and prophesied to their astonished parents in Nephi. She remembers vividly when the Spirit bore witness to her-- as clearly as the Sun's rays break trough dark storm clouds--  that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  She knew it because she knew that his revealed knowledge that God was an exalted man and our literal Father in Heaven was true. It was natural to believe this because she had a great priesthood leader for her father. And she was concerned because her patriarchal blessing warned her not to be satisfied with a man who did not hold the priesthood.

In desperation she made an appointment with the president of the visitor's Center at the Los Angeles Temple. He was a great speaker and had brought many young people into the church. For three hours the visitor's Center president discussed the gospel, and Sue bore her testimony, but Chris was quiet and unresponsive. On the way home she asked him if he would fast and pray with her for three days while studying the Book of Mormon; reluctantly Chris agreed.

During this time, Sue really prayed that the Lord would bear witness to Chris Of the truthfulness of the gospel, telling Heavenly Father what a fine young man she knew Chris to be. The evening of the third day, Chris picked her up and took her out to dinner. At first he was very quiet, then he began to talk about Mother Teresa, and all the other great and good people in the world who were not members of the church. When questioned about whether be had prayed and read the Book of Mormon during the last few days he said nothat he hadn't.

He could not accept our claim to be the Lord's only true church when there were so many good Christian people who – were not members of it. He said that he loved Sue and accept3ed her and respected her belief, why couldn’t she do the same for him? How we expect courtesy and respect from others that we won’t afford them?

With sickness of heart, Sue realized that Chris was not going to seriously investigate the gospel, that he had turned his heart against it. On the way home, she related some of the marvelous Book of Mormon stories and teachings that she had discovered in her reading, in hopes that it would encourage him to eventually study it himself. When she got home, she went up to sit on her parents bed where her father was reading the scriptures, and began to cry on his shoulder. He told her that perhaps at this time, Chris was not one of the Lord's sheep, since he was not responding to the Lord's voice. Sue could not go to sleep that night until she found this scripture in 2 Nephi 27:35--"They also that erred in spirit shall come to understanding and they that murmured shall learn doctrine' --and she felt comforted with the feeling that eventually Chris would accept the gospel. Over the next few weeks, when Chris called she told him that she was not available to see him, and soon he stopped trying.

She determined to take an institute class over the Summer so that she could learn more about the gospel and meet more LDS youth. Six months later she called Chris up to come get some records that he had left there, and to make sure that there were no hard feelings. He said that he understood, that his return missionary friend had explained to him that she had a commitment to marry in the temple. Sue told him that he was the nicest young man that she had ever known, and she sadly watched him drive off.

One year later she sat next to her future husband in Church Education Week during the Summer, and they were married in the Los Angeles temple months and 4 days later. Today they are the parents of  4 beautiful children, and are very active in the church.

1972 August 25, 3 a.m. Dinkey Creek
Dear Terry Blocker
What in the world am I doing writing a letter at this time in the morning.  Well, it's a long story.

I'm still up at Dinkey Creek.  We'' be leaving Saturday morning (26th).  Dinkey Creek is really Fresno Municipal camp. About 20 families in our stake rented it for the week.  And I AM BORED OUT OF MY GOURD! There are only 3 other kids my age and's married, one left 2 days ago and the other is square much like my brother.  I'm surprised he isn't.  All he ever does is play chess all day long anyway (what a drag).

The surroundings up here are beautiful - clear blue skies, tall pine trees, creeds and fresh water ponds to swim in, a big full moon every night etc.  It's great if your a little kid "cuz there's millions of other little kids to play in the dirt, mud water with. Or if I were 14 like my little sister I could follow all the 15, 15 year old guys around and giggle and be really dumb.  Or if I were an adult I could sit around the campfire at night singing old songs, tell jokes and stories and reminisce about the good old days, and crochet or play horseshoes by day.

Well i figured if you can't beat 'em join 'em.  so I had my first motorcycle lesson and learned how to ride first gear only.  Next lesson, I learn how to shift gears and let out the clutch without killing it.,  I played a ping pong tournament and lost twice to two girls, both younger and half my size.  I sit around the campfires and occasionally even contribute a dead joke.  I even sit i the dirt and the mud and the water and play with the little kids; Oh! I'll have you know my team won in volleyball twice.

Tomorrow (oops! today) I'll have a chess lesson, toss a few horseshoes and maybe just maybe I'll take up crocheting.  Don't get your hopes up, though. (Sorry this writing is weird, but it's hard to write in bed by flashlight). 
Anyhow even with this I'm still bored.  I can't stand not doing things or having to do things or something.  So another girl and I put our heads together and planned some fun.  We got all the kids together and played some games like spoons, jynx up, water balloon toss and a tug of war (with a mud puddle in the middle).  For prizes we have whip cream, shaving cream spray cans, water guns and water balloons and we all had a rip roaring fight.  then, when every one was plastered, we all ran down to the creek and jumped in, clothes and all.  Above the creek there's a steep wall of rick and we climb up there and jump off.  You might think you';ll hit bottom since the deepest part of the ponds about 4 feet but you don't.

So why 3 am.?  I'm waiting at the hour for your letter. well after skits tonight.  Delp and I ran to the store bought some toilet paper and are waiting for everybody to get really deep in sleep, then we'll plaster the place.  Maybe it's dumb but when your desperate for anything.  Don't make the mistake of confusing fun with immaturity.  there's quiet a difference.  Well it's time to wake up and get busy.  Good Bye Suzanne.

1973 June. A Dream
When I was a little girl I used to dream about being a queen someday of being one of the brightest most beautiful stars in the Heavens and of having for my husband someone as great and wonderful as Heavenly Father. I never dreamt that it was possible until I learned more about the gospel and found out that it was.  I am trying to do everything I can to make it possible.  I am not going to do anything that will not make it possible.

I am going to wait for that young man whom the Lord has selected for me and with him I am going to be married in the temple so that we might attain eternal exaltation with each other and every loved one and create worlds for our posterity in the hereafter.  I can think of no reason that would exclude me from receiving these rights and blessings as a daughter of God.  And I can't think of a reason to exclude each one of you from attaining those privileges.

I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God and that this church is true.  I know that my Dad, President Smith and President Miner are inspired servants of God.  I know because the Spirit  has born witness to the truth of it to me.  And I know that it will do the same to you if you will but pray and ask it. I have a testimony of the church and its programs.  I know that Seminary program is inspired.  I'm grateful to it for what it has taught me, for helping me increase my testimony and for the close association it has brought me with other of my Father in Heavenly children. I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ Amen

Death steals softly by,
Passport to another World
Leaving some to cry....
The white flying soul
Rushing free, always homeward,
Racing past the dim stars.

Leaves whipped by the wind,
Whirl in their autumn death dance

Dreaming of Rebirth.


Poem by Suzanne
Like as the evening sun
dances upon thy hair
As thine eyes do warmly twinkle
When gently in mine they stare.

And even as the sun
doth rise up on the morn
So they smile lights up the night
When on my soul is born

Such gentle sweet oblivion
upon they tender breast
Surpasses many a velvet cushion
where on my head may rest

No gentle kiss of rain
upon the rose's lips
Compares to that thou givest me
When nigh the day is quit. 

Date unknown: My Future Husband
must be exceptional in thought and action
following all commandments
be very close to the Lord
Make a "celestial" father
Have a deep concern for other people.

Positions I'd like to hold, date unknown
*Wife of a church leader
*a teacher especially of little children
*in the YWMIA presidency
*an officer in the relief Society Presidency
*a secretary
**a church young women's adviser to the young women of the church
People Most likely to obtain positions in the church

Eric and Earl Bladh
Doral Vance
Alan Lee
Julie Spakman
Milinda Romney
Cheryl Lorke
Avid Clingo
Scot Florence.

Stand up his rights.

On a Date
I will:
1. Not invite parking or petting and refuse to do so
2. Always remember who I am and remember that "if my
future husband were to see me now would he still love and be proud of me?"
3. Keep my morals high
4. Respect him and his wishes
5. Not let my own personal problems keep him from having a pleasant evening.
6. Remain a lady
7. Do what he wants to do even if I don't want as long as it is in keeping with the standards I have set
8 Be myself
9. Only date people I would want to marry. 

1973 January 22 
Government class, HS
I have enjoyed this class more than any other class I have had in high school.  I think I've enjoyed it because it gave me room to grow.  I received as much as I gave. It offered me a chance to evaluate myself and head in the direction I wanted to go.  It help me to understand myself - both as I see myself and as others see me - and though understanding myself I began to understand and appreciate others. I feel very close to everyone in the class - almost like we were one big family. They say love is what you've been through  together.  As we discussed various issues and searched within ourselves to express honestly our thoughts and deep emotions I feel as thought we've been through a lot.  In studying other people and discussing world ideas I learned about my own insignificant importance. 

Date unknown: 
"I'll Get You Yet, Calico Baron" 
He crept stealthily forward upon his unsuspecting foe, careful not to disturb his unconcerned slumber, crouching low into the tall  grass, he made ready for the kill.  Certain of victory he leaped.

But alas his enemy's trained sixth sense warned him in time to roll away from the onslaught, but not without a well aimed whack across the snout from his ambusher.

E-gads! The odds were against him now, both in size and strength.  Goodbye sweet world!  The Calico Baron will have another victim's blood on his hands. Please let it come quick.

But he was not to have his wish, for the Baron chose to torture his dark little assailer - he sat on him; his huge bulk squashing his prisoner flat against the ground.  But even this was not enough to satisfy his blood thirsty mind for he then began the water torture.

Shadow jumped into his protector's arms to be whisked away. Another victory won for the minority breed. 

Date unknown: 
My Father

His tread on the walk is slow and full of care.  His head is bent and full of thought.  The useful hands are clasped and still behind his back.  The eyes are troubled and hard upon the ground.  He is like old father time himself, bent with the cares of thee world.

But never too careful and slow is his tread to become quick and lively and full of play.  Never too bent in his head in thought to brighten and smile and be gay.  Never too clasped and still are the hands to grasp in warm and friendly handshake; or the eyes too troubled and hard upon the ground to twinkle with mischief and fun.  He is like the sun come out on a cloudy day.

These are some of the many faces of the man I love and respect most, my father.  
Suzanne Brown Period 1

1973, June,  
Suzanne’s HS Graduation Speech

One day a youth came to the great teacher Socrates and daring him,
said, "Teach me." That wise old sage looked calmly into the eyes of the defiant and impatient young man, and saying not a word, but taking him by the hand, he led him towards the sea. Farther and farther into the roaring surf the teacher led his unwilling pupil. Confused, the youth tried to pull away as the water rose up about his shoulders. Relentlessly Socrates moved out, and then, turning to his pupil, he grabbed his herd and held it under.
The youth thrashed wid1y about, but still the teacher kept him under until his struggling nearly ceased. quickly he brought him to the surface, and asked the gasping youth, "What did you want more than anything else?" "Air!" the young man shouted, exasperated. "When you want to learn as much as you wanted air, that is when you'll have no need of me!

Over three and a half years ago, we, the class of '73, came to this school like the youth, with hands outstretched, defiant, impatient, and daring to be taught. Calmly, patiently., and perhaps at times impatiently, our teachers, counselors and administrators, families, and friends have led us to a great ocean of knowledge and opportunity. We received in direct
proportion to what we gave. Today we walk away accountable only to ourselves for what we take with us.

We are on the threshold of life, the crossroads of the future. Now is the time when we will be making so many vital decisions that will effect our eternity. We have exalted notions, feelings, and ideas. We're un-humbled by time, nor yet have learned many of life's limitations.

Each of us marching to the tune of whatever drummer we hear, has already mapped a blue print of his life. .  By the series of decisions and influences which have led us up to this point in our lives, most of us here have already determined which direction we’ll take.  It is up to us with the help that you have given us to begin now constructing foundations under our castles in the sky.

When choosing the material to build our dreams, let us look to past generations and choose that which is noble and has withstood the test of time. Let us also learn from their mistakes so that future generations can look to ours when constructing their own ideals. Among the building materials let us choose personal integrity, empathy, faith and humility, wisdom and understanding, knowledge, gratitude, and a conscience void of offense towards God and all men.

Aim for the stars, my fellow classmates for he who aims beneath them, aims too low.  Never fear of shooting higher than you can reach.  Remember, an arrow aimed at the sun shall always fly higher than one aimed at an object on the same level with yourselves.

“He aims too low who aims beneath the starts.” Quote on Congress building

High School Values
It was confusing to me growing in High School how different my values and  beliefs were form those around me. I was even more confusing to realize that others were just as fervent in their contrary beliefs as I was in mine. I found myself continually challenged in doctrine and standards of the church my friends, school mates and teachers and I didn't know what to say or what the answers were.  On more than one occasion I found myself in a situation where some associates knew and challenged me on the scriptures and I was completely speechless. I didn't even know the scriptures let alone what they meant. I poured my heart out to the Lord. At first I cried for my friends and besieged the Lord's help and justice for them.  But then as I realized that my values led me to like and associate with persons who held no regard for either the laws of God or the Lord I began to wail more for my self than my friends. I realized that my values and standards needed changing if I didn't want to go the same direction as they did.  

Suddenly I stopped screaming and beating on the tree and I felt filled with a sweet delicious peace and I could imagine.  Then I heard him saying to me "My dear child, have I not been with you in the past? Will I not be with you now and forever more? As I have gone to my Father in Heaven in prayer many times in my life I have felt that same calm reassurance and closeness to him.  Prayer helps build a personal relationship with the savior. 

When I was a MIA Maid Class president I went to visit and help an inactive girl who had just moved into the ward. The next year she replaced me as mutual class president.  Because of that one act on my part her whole family became reactivated and were sealed together in the temple shortly before her mother died; her youngest brother and brother in law were baptized; her nephew is planning to be baptized when he is 8 and her brother is planning to go on a mission.  When I try to live the gospel and act the way the Savior does, I feel a love and closeness to him that can be experienced in no other way. 

As we study, ponder, pray and live the gospel, we will develop a personal relationship with the savior and discover "that something within ourselves (the knowledge of our divine souls will help us to have the internal strength to rise above the masses and temptations around us. External factors life fashions, what other people think and the "in thing to do"  will be meaningless to us because we know who we are, what we may become.  The possession of that something is the difference.

When I first entered High School mini skirts were at a peak in popularity., My good mother tried very hard to keep my skirts long and modest while I struggled to compromise church standards with those of my friends and the world.  It was a real battle every time we went shopping.  I wasn't trying to rebel against my parents or leaders or the church.  I just wanted to be accepted by my school mates.  It was bad enough being the Stake President's daughter let alone having to wear my skirts down to the middle of my knee!.  Deep inside I really wanted to do the right things, to have the courage to live the gospel standards and not care what others thought.  But I didn't have the courage to be different than my other girl friends. The ridicule would be moire than I could bear.  So, secretly at night I taped or sewed up the hem's of my dresses or rolled my skirts up as soon as I got to seminary. 

Caring for Orchids
Brother Crook knows that if he properly cares for his orchids he can expect a beautiful crop when the orchids bloom.  Just as their are natural laws of growth for plants and animals so there are certain divine laws which will help us to discover that something within each of us.   The Savior was the living embodiment of those laws and principals. He fulfilled the law and as many as come unto him will reach fulfillment.

And as many as have received me, to them have I given to become the sons of God even so will I to as many as believe on my name, for behold by me redemption cometh and in me is the law...fulfilled" 3 Nephi 9:17.  He said for this is life eternal that they many know the only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou has send John 17.  

1973 Fall, Book of Mormon class
When I was a freshman at BUU first semester, I took a first-half Book of Mormon class clear on the opposite side of campus from where I stayed (Helaman Halls).  The teacher was a graduate student working on his doctorate and aspiring to be a full time seminary teacher.  It seems to me I recall him saying perhaps I just thought it = that he greatly admired great teachers in the church like Paul Dunn, or Boyd K. Packer. Yet nearly everyday he came to class without any prepared lesson and merely discussed our work in the syllabus (workbook) or gave us end of the unit tests. (also from the syllabus (workbook).  I was terribly bored and felt it was hardly worth the effort to come.  I frequently skipped lunch in order to attend other Book of Mormon classes so that I might learn more.  I had studied the Book of Mormon before (in Seminary) and on my own read the church Magazines and had taken Education Week classes on the subjects of the Book of Mormon.  I was hungering and thirsting for more information. One day as we were studying Mosiah 5 especially verse 10:12) he announced he had some marvelous proof that the Book of Mormon was true.  It could be found in that chapter, particularly those verses and was an ancient form of poetry.  He asked if anyone had ever heard anything about it?  I raised my hand and said "Yes, It's called chiasmus"  And related some things I had learned from an education week class and I believe an ensign article even had a poem outlined out in my Book of Mormon.  He seemed surprised and greatly disappointed (to me) that I knew so much about it and was able to tell the class.  I wondered if I said something wrong or should have kept quiet on the subject.  The other students seldom, if ever, spoke in class or asked questions; and I felt uncomfortable when I did so.  One day, as we were discussing a passage in the Book of Mormon, bits and pieces of information I had read and heard came clicking together with inspiration and interest.  I raised my hand and expressed my thoughts verbally as they flowed through my mind.  I forget now the passage of scripture and the point I was desiring to make, but I remember expressing among other things that Jehovah, Jesus, was a God even before his mortal existence, Michael in the flesh became Adam, and this earth would be our dwelling place throughout our immortality - or that we would live on it after our resurrection and its renewal in paradisaical glory.  He stopped me mid course and said in front of the whole class in essence. "That is wrong! That is part of the Adam - God theory and it is false doctrine.  Don't any of you believe it! "  He then went on to say he had just been warned to be aware of this on campus and that someone had gotten a hold of me and messed up my young and impressionable mind with this rubbish.  After going on for what seemed like an eternity on this vein, the class finally ended.

I was stunned, horrified, shocked, incredulous.  My face felt hot, my heart thudded in my ears, my stomach sick, and throat one great lump.  Me, Suzanne Brown, stake president's daughter, honor student, seminary class president, Sunday school class president, mutual class president, called "Miss Mormon" by some non-members - publicly denounced for preaching false doctrine?!!?  I could hardly breathe and my chest hurt.  K thought I'd faint.  This couldn't be real.  It was all a bad dream.  I left class not daring to look at or speak to anyone.  And no one spoke to me.  Everyone shuffled out quietly and the teacher was preoccupied with his own material.  I hurried away to my next class and went through the day feeling the whole world lof sin and condemnation on my shoulders.  I was surrounded by a dark black cloud.  Was I indeed wrong?  Was I on the left hand of God and opposing the church and it's teachings?  I knew little concerning the Adam God theory, yet I felt that I had said nothing amiss.  In my heart I knew that what I said was true.  Yet this man said it was false doctrine - contrary to church teachings.  Was the church untrue, then?  No of  course it was true.  I knew  Joseph Smith to be a prophet by divine revelation and I knew the present prophet, Spencer W. Kimball to be called of God.  Then who was right and who was wrong?  What was I do do?  Oh my head ached, and my heart was heavy.  I determined to discover what the General authorities had to say on those subjects and to read about the Adam God theory and see if I was expounding and believing it unawares.  Surely Joseph Fielding Smith or Bruce R. McConkie had something to say on the subject.  I grabbed my Mormon Doctrine and headed for the Library to refer to Doctrine's of Salvation.  I knew if McConkie agreed with me I could be be too off base.  I determined to discover if I were right or wrong.  If I were wrong, I would correct my thinking.  If I were right I would go and discuss this with the tgeacher in his office.  I looked up the Adam God theory and couldn't understand it.  How ridiculous.  Who could possibly believe that to be true.  I certainly didn't. Yes McConkie said Adam was Michael and that Jehovah was God. I didn't find anything discussing our existence on this earth in the eternities but I knew I had read or heard it from some source in the church.  Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith?  I didn't want to take time to look it up. It was 5o'clockish and I wanted to catch my teacher before he went home.  I couldn't bear to live through the weekend with this burden.  I dashed off to the Joseph Smith building praying fervently that I might catch him before he left.  I found him in his basement office and breathing prayers of relief and how supplication to make him understand. I dashed in loaded down the church books and reexplained my statement nd pointed to my supports from the various sources.  All I remember was him saying "Oh is that what you said? I misunderstood you."  After much questioning and reassurances, and an extracted promise from him to apologize in front of the class the first day of the next week - I floated home.  Gone was the burden the dark black cloud, the weight on my heart and throbbing in my head.  I felt like Easter Sunday after the atonement and Crucifixion.  I made sure i was there that first day the following week and felt mollified by his profuse apology.  My attendance dropped off after that though. I always felt ill at ease.  Did he really believe me?  Did the students? What if someone were absent the day he apologize. (Not unlikely - attendance at his class was poor, many dropped out) I winced under all the glances or looks from the other students.  I completed my work hover and received an A- grade. The teacher left after that semester to be a full time seminary teacher. I pray he will grow in his ability to obtain and teach knowledge of the gospel, sensitivity to the students, and ability to love and help them with their problems.  May God bless him to this end.

This experience had quit a profound and stunning impact on me.  I call it "How a teacher should not correct a student with a problem."  Suppose I had been wrong - miss informed, misguided, etc? or that I was misunderstood and did not have as sturdy a testimony? I had been 1 Publicity denounced, rebuked and disgraced, and 23) left to my own devices and blunderings - not a kind word or warm hand offered to me as I left the building nd class.  No one to retrieve my soul or understand my ideas.  I shudder to think of it.  It has taken me some time to say Bro ____I forgive you and may God bless you. I hope as a teacher in the church learn from this experience and 10 talk to an offender in private 20 extend my love and help to the one who has erred. 

Suzanne Brown November 9, 1973 Assignment #3

Dear Brad, 
I experienced my first snowfall!. Oh sure, I've seen snow before. Every few years my parents would reluctantly succumb to the clamoring of my brothers and sisters and I to "play in the snow", pack us into the car1 and cart the family up to Mount Baldy. Usually, by the time we could convince them to go, it would be so late in the season the snow would obviously be in its last stages of existence. It had melted and refrozen, melted and refrozen many different times and  had been kicked up and trampled upon by so many tourists, that when we finally got to "play in it", the "snow" was kind of a salt-and-pepper slush,  ice. As you can see, my past encounter with snow of any kind have been limited.

The skies had been dark and rather ominous all day Wednesday. As I hurried from my English class to the library, a girl walking behind exclaimed "it's snowing!" I peered up at the sky expectantly and watched a few white flecks float gently along, riding a light breeze like autumn leaves sometimes do. "This is snow?” I thought. I was incredulous. I'm not sure what I was looking for. Having seen you shudder, turn blue in the face, and cringe every time you referred to the cold snow and gripping winters here in Provo, I guess I was expecting a loud thunderous announcement a legion of trumpeters or the like, heralding its advent. 'The flakes coasted gracefully along like feathers escaping from a pillow. They reminded me of the fuzzy down of dandelion seeds after you blow them. Hitchhikers, they attached them­selves to the fur on my coat sleeves and took up their journey with me, bouncing along to my gait. I shook my arm vigorously and they detach themselves, once more joining the stream of others drifting by. I stuck out my hand to catch one, which alighted daintily on my palm and immediately vanished. Some flakes dropped gracefully onto my plastic notebook and paused a moment for me to study their lacy geo­metrical design, then melted into little droplets of water. The cement became polka dotted with little wet spots, while the flakes, suspended in their flight, rested gently on the grass and bushes. I chuckled to myself as the little white specks here and there made me think of dandruff.

The cascade increased, tumbling down like Styrofoam shavings dropping out of huge invisible bin slowly overturning. It was powdered sugar falling from a gray blanket. As it dampened the ground, I could smell the wet earth. I shrank inside my coat and hurried into the warm library and found a seat in the lounge by a window. Now the snow looked like flour falling from a sifter when you turn the handle as fast as you can. It sprinkled everything, and the fading trees, bushes, grass, and buildings reminded me of ginger snaps dusted with sugar. Figures hurrying in and out of the white veil became blurred arid shadowy Colors vanished and vision became two-tone--either white or non-white.

I sat up straight on the edge of my seat, my eyes popping, and the muscles in my stomach knotted tightly. I'm sure I must have looked very much like your sister Kimmie did when you first brought me over to meet the family--her eyes dancing with interest and her limbs taut with excitement as she squealed,  Is this her?" I clapped my hands and broke the silence of the library by exclaiming delightedly, "Oh, look at it snowing!" The bent heads and hunched shoulders around me didn't move. The girl on my left looked up at me sharply and cocked her head inquisitively, puzzled expression on her face. I sunk back into the creases of the couch and bit my lip.

Gradually the white veil thinned out and lifted so gentle was not aware that it had been snowing one minute and not the next. I grabbed my books and ran out of the building into the glistening and white-washed world. The snow spread softly over everything: on the ground like a plush white carpet, and on the bushes like cream on breakfast cereal before it slides to the bottom of the bowl. The snow hung in clumps on the trees, and reminded me of a song I used to sing in Primary. You may have sung it--"Popcorn popping on the Apricot Tree". The trees were blossoming little white snow buds.

I raised my foot and planted it carefully into the flawless gleam­ing blanket. It sank quickly. I raised it again and watched the snow gradually fill in the imprint until the outline was furry and barely per­ceptible. I reached down to clutch the cold foam and only clutched wet nothingness. Scooping up a hand full of foam, I tossed it into the air. The fluff settled softly to the ground. Using both hands, I gathered another pile and compacted it into a small fist-sized ball. 1 stretched back my arm and chucked the snowball a few yards in front of me, several feet short of my mark. It felt like throwing a whiffle ball, it was so light, and airy. Scooping up another hand full, I took a mouthful. It vanished instantly, like cold, wet,  tasteless cotton candy. I pinched and pressed another band full into a small piece of ice, and I bit off a piece. It tasted like hard rainwater. The sharp air hurt my lungs as I took a deep breath, twirled around, and stretched my arms out as far as I could. I felt indescribably delicious on this brilliant afternoon. (I'm sure someday I may become so familiar with snow that I'll non-react like the students in the library, or come to dread it like you, but just for this one ecstatic moment I wanted to savor and enjoy this experience as much as possible.

1973 October 17, BYU English 111, Section 35

The clearing was deserted and peaceful.
An orchestra of bird sounds filled the air.
Like old women chatting, some were whispering, some clucking and exclaiming loudly.
The coolness of the crisp air licked about my face, hands and knees.
A path on my right curved away and joined another in front of where I stood.
Shortly before the marriage of these paths the grass grew green and closely knit.
Elsewhere it appeared in small tufts, salted with brown, mauve, yellow, gold, crimson and beige leaves.
Start murky trunks rose from the gray wet earth.
Some trees stood as dead lifeless forms their long tendrils stretched-out in anguish
Others blushed in autumn glory.
A few smiled, radiantly gold, their rich leaves spilling over the ground like fountains of molten metal.
Here and there a green tree trembled, fresh and alive, touched occasionally with clumps of red leaves like rouge on a young girl's face. 

1973 Fall BYU, Class

Personal Observations
Since beginning this project I've noticed that I am more consciously aware of understanding, listening and being open with others.  I haven't been completely successful in all endeavors - communication is two ways. - but I have noted a marked improvement...particularly in relationships with those who are close to me.  By projecting myself into an other's shoes I've been able to control feelings of anger and defensiveness, remain calm and discuss the situation in a more logical and understand way.   As time goes on I'll improve even more.

There are two incidents (where I feel communication has taken place effectively and successfully that I would like to briefly relate.

Charles is a young man in my Drama Class.  He's self-conscious not very popular and was having trouble with his assignments.  I sincerely complimented him on an assignment or two, and then offered a few suggestions for improvement that I had found worked for me.  He tried them and he did improve gradually and gained more self confidence.  This opened the doors for more communication - we developed a feeling of mutual appreciation.  Later when I noticed he was upset about something I asked him how he was.  He said "fine."  I replied "not really "and he smiled.  He began talking about things I listened and since he knew that I was concerned about him (Id shown that in the past)  he opened up and told me the things he had on his mind problems at home, with his family health problems, legal problems uncertainty for the future, etc.  I was amazed at the big burden this 16 year old boy had to carry...and I could see it made him feel better to be able to share it.  I tried offering help - but there really wasn't anything I could do.  They were his problems and he'd have to work them out himself.  I kept in touch with him, asking how things were and trying to help (he gently refused my offers).  I never did physically help, but I did help him meet the problems he was facing by being able to share them with someone who cared.  He still has them, but they are resolving themselves.  He's facing them and is working out a definite future.  At one point he had said no one cared what he did. I strongly contended with him and told him how important he was as a Child of God, as a human being.  He looked at me quietly with tears in his eye - it was probably the first time anyone had told him that he mattered. He now wants to make something of himself - learn from the examples and mistakes of others as well as set an example for his younger brother.  About two months ago he told me. "You know, you're the only person I have ever really talked to."

Sunday after church I went up to a young man and told him I had enjoyed what he had said in his closing prayer that afternoon.  I knew he would appreciate it - he hadn't been a member very long and was a little unsure of himself a times.  This established a "working climate" an atmospheres of concern. He offered me a ride home and on the way monotoned he wondered if he could talk to me about a problem he was having.  I didn't press the issue but just waited.  He began talking about it in a round about way and was having trouble putting his thoughts into words.  I wasn't sure if I agreed with some of this thoughts but I suppressed the impulse to correct him or say it for him - instead, I listened and tried to understand what he was saying by asking him questions and showing that I was concerned and was trying to understand. He finally stopped skirting the issue and told me he was having a problem with a girl he was dating.  Again I had to choke down all the advice that immediately came to my mouth, and let him, finish asking him how he felt and what he'd done.  We talked about how the girl might feel, and I tried putting myself in her place so he maybe could understand how she felt and know more what to do.  I talked about similar situations  I'd been in, but we both conceded that we were different so naturally we'd respond and feel differently since our frame of references were so different.  This was good because we disagreed on a few points but were able to pass over them.  By being  open and candid, we finally came to the root of the problem - was it his fault? By the relieved attitude he had when he walked me to the door I concluded that I had successfully carried out everything that I learned while studying communication and human relations.

1. Establish a working climate
2. Listened attentively and with understanding
3. Was open and candid
4. Appreciated his individual difference, frame of reference, past experience
5. Put myself both in his shoes and the girlie's shoes. 

Interpersonal objectives
My interpersonal skills are definitely improving.  I'm consciously becoming more empathetic and I'm getting positive response from those around me.  My confronting skills improving.  I'm sharing more of my feelings than I am concentrating on others behavior.  However I need to work more on Reality Therapy and empathy.  I'm still too preachy and I need to communicate trust, approval and faith more than anxiety, judgment and rejection.  I think I am doing well on democratic problem solving but I feel I can improve on persuasion by carefully thinking through y feelings and ideas and presenting them to others in terms of their experience.

I am really beginning to internalize the concept of being influenced by others before being able to influence them.  I have a very close friend going to school here from Sweden.  He's Lutheran and this is his first semester.  He feels very strongly about taking good care of your physical body and taught health in the Swedish Sc=schools.  I find that by letting him influence me in those areas of physical health - he is more receptive then to my influence and personal testimony of the church.  Because I am changing to ideals that are important to him - he is gradually becoming receptive to my ideals.  I run with him every day at the field house - or I exercise at night before I go to bed and I tell him the next day. I eat more fresh fruits and less deserts.  We both try to get seven hours sleep and encourage each other.  He in turn has begun coming to church with me Sunday and family home evenings.  (his own family) and even went to the fireside completely o his own last Sunday.  Since I and his other friend had dates.  He has begun blessing his food at every meal and I believe prays every night and morning.  Occasionally he reads little pamphlets or talks I give him and he has shown an interest in the gospel.  He is so pleased with my desire to be influenced and taught by him to do what he likes - that he wants to be influenced and is more willing to be taught by me.  We're really grown close to each other and I can sense and unconsciousness desire to become on in our ideals.  I certainly intend to keep up my exercise and good eating habits. The real clincher is going to be this Monday when I go with his family group to the Salt Lake Visitors Center.  I'm going to ;prepare this weekend, fast that day and bear my testimony to him, of how much this gospel means to me and the truthfulness of this church.  I believe it will gave a profound affect upon him.  

Last Monday we went Roller Skating.  Neither of us is very good, but I am atrocious.  He skated backwards in front of me, holding my hands, and told me to fall on him when I lost balance so I wouldn't hurt myself.  Can you imagine so much trust? I could hardly believe it.  More than anything I didn't want to fall, because then he would too.  Also I had to keep an eye out for him so he wouldn't bump into anything. This situation seemed to me an analogy of the delicate balance between me and those around me. both members and non members.

1974 BYU 

Essay on Grades
During my sophomore year in college I ambitiously enrolled in a basic Interior Design class. With visions of "Home Beautiful" awards firing my imagination, I began class with great enthusiasm. I carefully completed my first assignment and eagerly anticipated the results. A bleak "C-. too sloppy brought my ego to a crashing halt. Sloppy?... ...Did she have any idea how much loving and thoughtful work I put o that picture? What more did I have to do in order to get an "A"? What about all the information I'd been able to synthesize and apply, didn't that count for anything?... Paper after paper, was returned with similar notations. Disillusioned and discouraged, I began to focus on other pursuits for the remainder of the semester.

As a result of this experience I began distrusting (if not despising)" grading as an effective means of student output feedback.  I strongly dislike grading because it compares one’s performance to that of other members of a class rather than to a given body of knowledge. Crudely labels and categorizes, is not adequately specific, seems an arbitrary tool of the teacher and because frequently the grade itself becomes the student’s main objective.

Throughout my primary school years I always did well in comparison with other students because of my quick grasp of principles, inner motivation, and positive home environment. After a "jam session" with the school psychologist, however, I was placed in an ELP program with other "gifted" students. Immediately my GPA dropped. I was only a C or an average student then by comparison. Why? Because I was being compared with the higher performance standard  the other students in the class. If  this is the standard then it is as variable as the group of students is. On he other hand there  is a sense of justice when a student's performance is graded in relation to his ability to apply a given set of principles have been taught by the teacher. One reason for my feelings of unfairness is that my work was compared to that of a couple of other students who spent a great deal of time outlining the different parts of their pictures in expensive felt tip markers and then mounted them on construction paper. While that is very pretty

Sibiu is awash in aristocratic elegance. Noble Saxon history emanates from every art nouveau facade and gold-embossed church. Renowned composers Strauss, Brahms and Liszt all played here during the 19th century, and Sibiu has stayed at the forefront of Romania's cultural scene through its festivals of opera, theatre )

I worked very hard in High School to bring my C+ average up to an A-. I graduated in the top ten percent of my class and gave a speech at the graduation ceremonies. I considered myself to be an A- person; ''C" no longer fit into my self-concept. But no matter what masterful accomplishments I had achieved previously and was achieving in other fields, every time I walked in the door of that college Interior Design class I became a C minus student., a less than average person. I felt trapped and suffocated inside a steel vault of categorization, and it seemed as though I could do nothing to break out.  My grade when I completed the course “C+”.

When you go in for a physical exam, the attending physician doesn't announce that you have a C minus body. Like a physician a teacher should be a diagnostician;; he should as objectively as possible assess your situation and prescribe specific suggestions for improvement. My English 155 course was a very rewarding experience because I felt that not only  I had an excellent command of composition skills, but that there was also a direct relationship between my work and my grade. My teacher, a grad student, returned each paper with a grade and several reasons why that grade had been given. Each paper was heavily marked in red ink with comments about grammar, form, description, etc. We were able to rewrite each paper and resubmit it for a final grade which took precedence over the first given grade. It was infinitely satisfying to be able to change a C-grade paper to an A-grade paper. It reinforced my feelings of worth and competency. I not only felt that I was in charge of my destiny,) but that there was a direct correlation between my destiny and my actions, I greatly appreciated the time and concern that particular teacher gave to the students in her class.

If there is no stated direct correlation between the grade and the quality of the work, many students feel like helpless pawns manipulated at the whim of the teacher. Like playing a rigged pin-ball machine, the ball falls into predetermined slots A,B,C,D, or F, with little relationship between the players actions or the final outcome. The player wonders if perhaps it is the way he pulls the knob, or if the next time will be the lucky one. If he suspects the machine is "set up", he will probably give up altogether. How many times I have heard students say: "1 didn't deserve this grade'..."I didn't cut the grade because I refused to play the game"... "She only gets good grades 'because she kisses up to the teacher"...etc,etc.

Finally, it is unfortunate but too often the grade becomes the end goal rather than)the knowledge synthesized and applied. Shortly after my lst English 155 class I ran into Jim, a fellow student, on the steps of the administration building. I asked him how he felt about the class and his reply was surprisingly very negative. While he was dissatisfied with his grade, he had not rewritten a single paper in the class because he did not care to put forth the additional work. For him, the real learning experience was never realized.

In conclusion, I recommend not that we do away with grades altogether but that we do away with relying on grades as a main means of responding to student output. I would prefer to see a specific, detailed response a student's work, so that students will have more accurate feedback concerning their performance in regard to a given body of information

1974, Spring March 7 Organizational behavior Interim reports R Thomas Hicks. S Brown

Personal Character objectives
I have been getting approximately seven hours sleep a night - doing much better than last semester but still I'm not doing as well as I think I can.  While I have been getting on time more often than before, I haven't reached my 75% of the time. I think the problem lies in lack of internal discipline.  I haven't been getting up exactly 1 hour before like I planned.  It's not that I can't do this I just haven't been I think I will change my goal of 75% to 50% because I know that I can obtain this.  I will have to get up 1 hour before whether I've had a full 7 hours sleep or not.

I haven't been listening to the radio 2x a week like I had planned, although I listen more than before I think because I haven't always been getting up 1 hour before class.  Notice how interrelated these are?  Break down in internal discipline in one area affects all areas. I can do better by working on my first personal goal.  Also I haven't been planning my days like I should I really notice a difference when I do.  I think working with my roommate closer on these goals will really help.  Meeting with my group once a week helps too because I have to give an accountability.

I have been work on my interpersonal goals and have noticed a marked improvement while I don't set aside a specific time for meditation lack of daily planning but I have been reviewing my behavior through the day at various times and trying to visualize how the Savior would have behaved the growth and things I have leaned are priceless in helping me to see the greater fulfillment.

My Relief Society work is caught up, my reports are on time and I am experiencing a real Joy in magnifying my calling. I suffer from absent mindedness, but generally because I have been fulfilling my calling to a greater degree.  I have noticed how it has affected the other members of the presidency, the visiting teaching secretary and the attendance secretary and indirectly my self system has affected the whole organization.  I've changed finishing the reports on the 3rd Sunday to begin working on them the fourth Sunday.  This is because it is impossible to begin any earlier.  I have been controlling my thoughts, I think I'll change the idea of setting as goal to pray after scripture reading during the day, besides regular night and morning prayers.  I don't think I'll have that mandatory.  Instead I'll strive for a prayerful attitude all the time - where I constantly feel that closeness - that ability to check in with Him and share inner space and get feedback.  One reason for the change is that frequently I read the scriptures before I go to bed - then I say my evening prayers anyway I think a prayerful attitude is more worthy goal.  I find that frequently throughout the day I reach to tap that divine source informally - maybe when I'm just walking along.

Working with my roommate closer should help me to improve in these areas that I am slacking off.

1974 Summer, 
I am thine
not by compulsion
but by choice
For more than I have to
E'en more than I need to--
I want to be your, forever.

Therefore, I give
not as slaves give
despising command
Rather, I give
as queens give
loving service.  Suzanne

Of Brown Chevrolets and Setting Records
What are you thinking Miss Murray?
What are you thinking, Big Girl?
     That my gum is getting stale...
What are you thinking Dee
     Uh, that I'm happy
What are you thinking uh, Deirdre-
     Mmmm, that I'm conteated
What are you thinking?
     I like you...

Shell's a stale metaphor
So's a wall or a well--
But mine's breaking down, whatever it is,
And I'm glad.

Dad said I was looking too hard for life
I disagreed
But I stopped looking for anything in May
and I found something...

Grace said she hoped it would be fast
Something contradictory about barriers--
Three weeks is fast.

What are you thinking Kent Gardiner?
I doesn't seem like I've given a lot of promise
It's a stale metaphor
That wall or well

I do want to destroy it--
be free to, how did that campfire conversation go?
"Express any emotion in front of you...?"
I like you, I care.

Thank you, summer 1974
my sweetheart, 
for the beautiful
priceless gift of yourself,
I will treasure it always,
you are the jewel
in the setting of my life:
Without you
I am not complete;
With you
I am far more beautiful
and strong than alone.

When we love eachother we are being disciples of Christ

When we serve each other we are serving God. 

Analysis, summer 1974
(upon thinking of Kent at 1/15)

Kent's his name
Psych's his fame--

Words, words
ESP is for the birds
Let's keep this field respectable
Burgess in a plane worked be rejectable

Bore, bore
The world's a whore
The body's desired by all mankind
No one wants me for my mind.

What? What?
Repetitious of a brat.
Let's grow ukp in this hereday
And listen to what I've go to say

Kent's his name
Psych's his fame
A big world he's got to tame. 

 1974 September 8
Kent asked me to marry him tonight while we were sitting in the gutter. I told him yes.

1974 Fall BYU
I am going to develop a celestial divine relationship with my mate. I am going to accomplish this by developing Christ like attributes in my own character striving continually to love him in a pure and Godly way and do everything within my power to help him become that son of God he was meant to be.  I value fidelity, loyalty, truth, purity and cleanliness, thoughtfulness, mature love, harmony and security in the home., the spirit of god unity, tenderness, affection, mature deep interpersonal communication, peace and calmness etc.  The means by which I am going to accomplish this is that I am planning to marry Kent Gardiner in the Los Angeles temple on December 21, 1974.  I am now taking Family Living Classes to prepare myself and plan to continually learn more and more how to be a better homemaker, I try to frequently (daily) let my fiance know I love him (with notes, cards, letters etc) and will continue that habit throughout our lives.  We always discuss how we feel about each other and different things.  I am going to seek to perfect our communication , always know about things he is interested in, and seek to help him accomplish his goals.  While we are apart we pray and study the gospel daily.  When we are married we are planning to do so together.  We now seek to establish a consensus on all decisions and will continue to seek to be unified in our daily lives. I am going to make myself  available to help him in his career )as a school teacher) and we are planning at the end of each day to share our feelings with each other.  I am going to look nice for him in the evening when he gets home (if possible...I am planning to make the effort) and continue the little niceties in our married life that I do for him now. 

In helping my children to achieve exaltation I am going to achieve the goals I have already set.  Kent and I are planning to seek the Lord's guidance continually in raising our children to take advantage of resources such as books, home teachers, our bishops, the scriptures etc in raising our children.  Our goal is to be unified and reach a consensus in dealing with the problems that come up.  Our goal is to help our children become self governing, and our disciplinary actions will be made with that in mind.  We recognize that our children are in reality fellow brothers and sisters, children of our Father in Heaven, not our possessions to do with as we please.  I am presently studying Child Development and continue to do see Kent is an elementary school teacher and is taking some more studies. I value the eternal family unit stewardship, family security and eternal increase, exaltation etc.

I am confident that with time patience and faith in the Lord I can accomplish these goals. 

1975 Suzanne Wants a Job
Kent and I are fine. He's Elders Quorum president and the work keeps him on his tows.  He just finished teaching Summer School course in Math and Rocketry.  right now he's reading the Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt.  I feel more married to old Parley lately than Kent. Oh Well, Parley's a good man and I'd rather share my husband with him than a lot of other people I can think of.  He how has 1 1/2 months off before he has to each again. He plans to work on Genealogy; towards the end of August we'll take a couple of weeks in Idaho and Salt Lake so he can work more and I can learn how by helping him.

Now that Mutual's over (I'm an adviser to the Young Woman 16-18 yrs) I have a break also. I'm contemplating a job at the temple in secretarial or the cafeteria. We'll save the money for children and a house and Kent's Master's Degree.  Right now I'm working on my Book of Remembrance, a scrapbook and file system for notes and stories.  If I get motivated I want to make some outfits and get my 4 generations done (xerox from Janna and Mom)

Friday we did some sealings with some people in our ward. It's nice living so close to the temple.  Saturday we went to the Hollywood Bowl to hear some Tchaikovsky music. Next Saturday we're going to a Beethoven night with Kent's sister and husband and his 2 brothers and dates.  I've been blessed with fine in-laws.  Kent's father is in the High Council in Glendale. They're very supportive of us and leave us alone.  Kent has a good, chummy relationship with his brothers and sisters (he's the oldest of 8".  His friendship and devotion to his brother Mark (Young Adult president for Glendale Stake and Region is inspiring and touching. 

January 23, 1976, Laurel Adviser
Tonight my husband Kent, by the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood set me apart as Laurel Adviser of the Panorama City Wart in the Van Nuys Stake of Zion - under the direction of and with the assistance of the Bishopric: Bishop Bert Higley, Tom Pryor and Brad Higley. I don't recall whether Rick Hunlow second counselor was there or not.

Kent gave me a blessing that I would have the courage to express my convictions to the Laurel girls, and the guidance of the Spirit to be sensitive to their individual problems and motivate them to clean living and to return to their Father in Heaven by the things I would say to them.  He closed by blessing me with strength and health in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I appreciate Bishop Higley's inspiration in asking my husband to set me apart. I am grateful I have a husband who is worthy to bless me, and is willing to support me in my callings so I can grow and work in the church - serve the Lord and His children.  .  This is a tremendous blessing - not all women are so richly blessed.  I pray the Lord will strengthen me in looking to my husband for spiritual guidance and help trusting him and being his queen and priestess in this life. Surely this is my greatest calling and the only one I may keep forever.

I sure do love Chad.  Now I know what apostle Elder Boyd K. Packer meant when he said someday you would hold in your arms a little child who would mean more to you than anything else in the world - including yourself that is why it sis so important to keep yourself morally clean to give a good legacy to your children. This is what procreation is all about.

January 22 1976
As Laurel advisor I can see so clearly the effect a girl's family has on her life, priorities, attributes my activity in the church, eats. One's family molds one's characters, and it is the exception or rare when an outside person will have such a dramatic influence ion one's life as to change values, goals, patterns of living.  Now I understand the church's position in supporting the family, strengthening the home, and being a vehicle of the family in bringing salvation to all members.  The following are some examples that I have seen as Laurel advisor in Santa Monica I Ward and Panorama City Ward.  

 1.  Tammy's parents divorced when she was 3 months old.  She always brings this up.  While she is found of her uncle, she has never known a real father -daughter relationship.  All of us must develop a relationship with our Father in Heaven but until then, we need someone close to us as a "Father Ideal" who can put his arm around us , listens with warmth and sympathy, give us counsel and direction.  He must be a non sexual symbol who can give a girl security, sense of worth and value so she does not need to find cheap substitutes for love and fulfillment.
Tammy has never seen a true righteous love between a man and a woman so she therefore has no comprehension be of what real love is...or any desire or need to obtain out,.  Her parents haven't shown it to her, and she does not see her aunt and uncle as having this kind of desirable relationship.

 Tammy sees her mother as being a poor example of happy and righteous living.  According to her, her mother has been immoral and done some mean things to her etc. So Tammy has no womanly ideal to identify herself with.  Her mother and she have a poor relationship...a non communicative, resentful power struggle. Tammy sees herself on the same level as her mother, rebels against discipline band authority.  Both of them have said they feel the other sees them as a competitor, a sexual rival - both striving for the same men's attentions.  When the sensitive relationship is gone - so is the power to influence.  Consequently Tammy committed fornication at 13 years old with a 30 year old man who was still legally married.  She discussed this with the Bishop 2 years later at 15 years old.  While she discontinued sexual relations, she still thought about being with him.  We lusted after him and committed adultery with him in her heart..  Thus she never completely 'abandoned the sin'. Therefore never repented.  The Savior told a parable of a man who threw out an unclean spirit and since he didn't replace it with anything the former unclean spirit got 7 others and came back to fill the void.  The Savior also said that when a person recommits a sin it's a sign all his former sins return.  We'll when Tammy was 17 years old and just last month. She net a 30 year old fellow at her aunts and uncle's place.  He was staying with them because his wife had thrown him out of the house and was divorcing him on grounds of infidelity. She invited him over in the evening a few days later while her mother was at work (she works nights). They committed adultery that very night and did every night for 2 weeks straight until he left town for a month on a "business  trip" he supposed to return the 1st of February to go to divorce court, Tammy says,.  She doesn't expect to see him when he returns.,  She went to a clinic and is not pregnant, nor does she have VD.  She says she can't honestly feel sorry for what she did.  She doesn't have a conviction that what she did was wrong. She says she has not been immoral in between the first and  fellow (13 and 17 years) She did say the fellows she has dated however have now become male prostitutes and that the reason she Initially liked them was purely physical.  I am rather dubious since she at first lied to me about her physical involvement with Jerry the last fellow, until I trapped her into admitting it was much deeper than she had at first indicated.

 Tammy's relationship with God and her mother has continued  to deteriorate.  She feels her mother is suspicious about her activities.  Last night when she couldn't have her black friends over she took her Mom's car and left home, hasn't been back yet.

January 28, 1976 Friday,  No energy
I have been feeling very fatigued and sleepy lately...almost as if I'd been busy drugged; I just couldn't get enough sleep and rest. Kent's noticed it too and we've been quite concerned.  Is it a virus? Anemia? It came on gradually a week ago Saturday.  I slept all afternoon, went to bed early and slept late - telling Kent to tend Chad. I prayed fervently during the night that the Lord would bless and heal me to I could tend to my duties as wife, mother and laurel adviser.  Sunday morning I awoke feeling much better and it seemed to have passed.  Then Wednesday it seemed to come on again.  I slept 11 hours that night and took a nap Thursday.  I was very concerned because I felt terrible - like a black cloud was sitting on my chest and enveloping my mind in a cloud of despair and depression.  And even more concerned because Kent told me that morning that the Stake President wanted to see him next that evening at 7 pm - and we. Both knew it was to call Kent to be Elder's Quorum President here in the Panorama City Ward, Van Nuys Stake.  I feared that I may have mononucleosis and didn't know how I could physically support my husband in this call while he went to school as well in the evenings to get his Master's from Cal State Northridge.  At the same time tend Chad, keep the house running smoothly and be Laurel adviser while being sick too.  It seemed impossible.  It seemed I would have to be released from my job as a laurel adviser.  My mother had intimated that I should seed a release under these conditions - and it did seem hard to make my meetings in the evening, I had to admit. But I knew I had been called by the Lord to this position.  I loved my job and the girls.  I was feeling success, a great rapport with the girls and the guidance of the Lord. I knew that the lord was in control and if he had called me to my position and Kent to his.  He would provide a way for us to fulfill both.  He knows better than anyone our circumstances, demand on time and capabilities. I felt that if I had faith in the lord, he would heal me. I read in Doctrine and Covenants Section 42 v 43 "And whosoever among you are sick and have not faith to be healed..." I knew it was possible to have the faith to be healed. I began by fervently to pray and ask the Lord to heal me. Help me to be able to fulfill my duties and assignments, responsibilities, It began to seem that with metal and spiritual exertion I could push this tired feeling into the background of my consciousness.  I began vacuuming, ironing , cleaning up around the house and as time went one I felt more and more perky.  By the time Kent came out of the Stake president's office I felt normal. After I came home from my Stake MIA meeting, tended Chad and talked with Kent I went to sleep about 11 pm.  I got up at 3am with Chad for about 1/2 hour and then slept until 7 am but didn't feel the need to sleep longer, in fact could have slept less.  I haven't felt this way in weeks.  Today I felt energetic enough to carry out my household duties cheerfully and on schedule.  I took an hour and 15 minute nap while Chad slept, to be sure I did not over tax my strength. Perhaps I will need to do this for a while. I attribute the dramatic change in how I feel to the power of the Lord and my faith in him. 

In thinking about the power of faith, I recalled an incident that happened when IU was maybe 12 years old and my family and I were traveling through Southern Utah on our way home from conference.  We were traveling in our motor home (Corvair engine, beige color, homemade) and there was a strong wind blowing against one corner of the rig, making it difficult for my dad to drive.  I lay on the bed in back and prayed that the Lord would lessen the force of the wind to make it easier for my dad.  Later I asked my dad if the wind had let up some and he said yes, that it had. 

September 17 1977. Chad
Today Kent's brother Jeff came home from his mission.  It was a joyful reunion with all the Gardiner's, Kent's brothers and sisters getting together.  There are few greater blessings than that of a righteous family.  I hope and pray that all my children will feel that way about their family - nothing would give me greater joy in this life.

On the way home from Kent's folks Chad 16 1/2 months Picked up a book and said 'doggy."  It was the first coherent and understandable pronunciation of a word we he heard.  He has been trying to talk for no tights.  At 9 months the saw a cat and heard me say the word.  He said the short a sound three times.  Cat without the consonants. Lately when he sees a cat kitty cat or kitty. Kitty he says "tee tee tee tee."  

And tonight when I put him in bed and said 'Good Night' I love you.' As I always do he said "Goo aye" sounding like good night and as I turned to look back he rolled over and looked at me band said 'I ugh oo" Sounding like I love you.' He has probably been trying to talk for weeks and we haven't been aware of it.

He is so very very precious.  I love him so much it hurts.  And he is a boy.  A very affection be child, he comes to me for kisses and loves and hugs.  Likes to be held and sung to or have books read to him.  When he sees me after I've been away he smiles big and hugs me so tight.  Huge a very happy, good natured child - laughs and talks to himself my, rubs through the house.  This favorite toys are this penny's catalog "Chad's book" a spare telephone and this discovered the dirt.  The plays in it by the porch get sitting in it with a spoon and bowl and is soon covered Fromm head to toe.  The tries to help me with everything I do, especially hanging clothes 9he pulls them down or takes them out of the bucket and throws them in the dirt.

Suzanne Brown
September 12, 1974
Assignment I: Reflective Listening

1.      The door gave a thudding sound. I went to answer it and found an
odd friend, Dave standing a little sheepishly before my apartment.
"Dave! How are you?"
Shrugging, "Ah, all right." He blinked his eyes with a nervous
"Not so good , huh?"
"Oh, things could be better."
"You still haven't been able to work things' out with your girl-
"Naw." By now he had entered the living room and slumped into a couch.
He looed like a lost puppy. "I saw her at a dance last night..."His
face lighted a little.
"You did?!" I exclaimed excitedly.
"Yea," he smiled a little. "We danced for a while and went out-
side and talked for a bit...."

"You got a chance to talk to her?"
He went on to describe what sounded like a very painful and frustrating
one-sided conversation--with him talking, and her not saying too much.
When he finished I said.

"Wow, it sounds like you're really not communicating with one another too well. It's frustrating because you really have no idea
where you stand with her. You're       stuck out on a limb. To try and tell her how you like throwing darts at a dart board, blindfolded.

"Yea. . .yea". Relief was evident in his whole body. While he had been talking I noticed his hands were a little shaky. He occasionally
blinked nervously and I noticed he was thinner then I had remembered

"This is really a painful and traumatic experience for you. I'll
bet you've hardly eaten or slept at all, the last few days (he nodded his head) I'll bet you feel like you're wrapped in a hot feverish blanket and completely isolated from the rest of the world"

"Oh, I do! You know, I sit in the Wilkinson Center and watch all these couples walking around holding hands and just radiating and think that only two weeks ago we were doing the same thing. You know we were together for 64 straight days".

"All the sweet memories of pleasant times together haunt you. It
seems so strange to love someone and be with that person and then suddenly not be with them and not be able to love them"

I fixed him some lunch and he chatted away, obviously more relaxed
and comfortable. He was relieved someone understood what it was like to be him Someone had bridged the gulf of his isolation. He washed my dished, happy to feel needed and of service. The barriers down, he confided to me that he had looked for a girl that had all of my qualities. Peeling more secure, he asked about my fiancé and I. My fiancé
and I are very much interested in reflective listening and leveling.
I used this opportunity to introduce these to Dave thru describing
our relationship. He became very exited and very interested.       When I showed Dave a book on reflective listening that Kent (my fiancé) and I use, Dave was so enthralled, he held it like it was the crown jewels. Becoming very excited, he asked if he could borrow it to go talk to his girlfriend. Fortified by my emotional support and the book, he ran out the door a different man than when he had entered. I walked into my bedroom feeling extremely elated at being able to reach his inner core so effectively.

2.    I saw a girlfriend I had grown up with (but who had recently moved
away) up on campus. We walked home together. I asked her about her
"Oh, they 're all right"
"They seem to be adjusting all right?'.'
"Yea,.. I'm really worried about David, though,”
"He seems to be having a tough time of adjusting to his stepmother
and new brothers and sisters?"
"Yea. . . it's hard for me to talk about it"
"David means a lot to you; it's hard to talk about it to just
anyone because you start getting choked up about it."

"Yea..,'.   She into the apartment and spent the next hour talking about the feelings she was having and her family. It was kind of an unwind for her.. a release of a lot of pent up feelings and worries. I could tell she likes me and feels comfortable with me. He spent a long time getting ready to leave. Again this was a thrilling experience for me to allow a person to be real and know that I was helping another person deal with their feelings by just accepting the and non-judgmentally listening to them.

1977 Dear Grandma and Grandpa Brown
how are things? Are you surviving another Mesa Summer?

"Blessed are they that do...thirst"
by Suzanne Gardiner, 1970s

Is it the woman
who refreshes man?
Is she not the well
from whom her children
draw increasingly?
Is it she who offers
compassion's pure water
to wandering thirsty soul?


From whom shall she draw
when the spring is dry
and her soul lies parched
and aching desert land?
Who shall give her life--
that she may blossom
as a rose and
sweet refreshment find?


Dearest Savior!
source of "living water"
how I thirst after thee!
Make me "like a well watered garden,"
a spring...whose waters fail not" *
that I may give
like thou dost me,
sweet sustenance continually.

*Isaiah 58: 8-12

To My Husband, 1970s

Wilt thou not say to me
As He hath said:
"Come, follow me?"

And with kindness 
and outstretched hand,
lead me back to Him?

Then shall I come
and cleave unto thee,
and we twain be one;

Thou my head to guide
I, thy heart to respond
and His, through eternity. 

Am I then the heart
and thou the head?
Come, let us be one, then
as Christ and the church are one.

Thou go guide
and I to respond--
yet equals in glory and perfection
and most of all, dear
Let us love
as He has loved;
For if we be not one,

Surely we can not be His.

September 26, 1978

Pin  Ball Machinery
A certain-farmer went through the forest seeking any bird of interest he might find. He caught a young eagle, brought it home and put it among his
fouls and ducks and turkeys, and gave it- chickens feed to eat even though it was an eagle, the king of the birds.
Five years later a naturalist came to see him and, after passing through his garden, exclaimed, "that bird is an eagle, not a chicken."
"Yes," said its owner,, "but I have trained it to be a chicken. It is no longer and eagle, it is a chicken, even though it measures fifteen feet from wingtip to wingtip.".
"No," said the naturalist, "it is an eagle still; it has the heart of an eagle, and I ill make it soar high up to the heavens."
They agreed to test it. The naturalist picked up the eagle; "Thou dost belong to the sky and not to this earth, stretch forth thy wings and fly."
The eagle turned this way and that, and then looking down, saw the chickens eating their food, and down he jumped.
The owner said, "See, I told you it was a chicken."
"No," said the naturalist. "It is an eagle. Give it another chance, tomorrow."
So the next day he took it to top of the house and said: "Eagle, thou art
an eagle, stretch forth thy wings and fly. " But again the eagle, seeing the chickens feeding, jumped down, d fed with them.
"See,," the owner said, "I told you it was a chicken."
"No," answered the naturalist, "It is an eagle, and it still has the heart of an eagle. Only give it one more chance, and I will make it fly tomorrow."
The next morning he rose early and took the eagle outside the city away from the chicken yard, away form the houses, , to the foot of a high mountain. The sun was just rising , gilding the top of the mountain with gold, d every crag was glistening in the joy of that beautiful morning.

He picked up the eagle and said to it: "Eagle, thou art an eagle, thou dost belong to the sky and not to his earth. Stretch forth thy wings and fly!" The eagle looked around and trembled as if new life were coming into it, but it did not fly. The naturalist then made it look straight at the sun (and for our purposes, let's spell sun-- S-O-N-- like in the Son of God). Suddenly it stretched out its wings and, with the screech of an eagle, flew, though it had been kept and
tamed as a chicken.

I can almost imagine the Lord saying to us , "Thou art the Sons and Daughters
of God. Thou dost belong to a more exalted sphere and not to this earth. Look unto the Son of God, the redeemer of your Salvation, and lift yourselves to greater heights." By looking to the Savior we can come to know THATSOMETHING within us.

The knowledge of our Divine Souls will help us to have the internal strength
to rise above the chickens and temptations around;. us. External factors like
fashions, what other people think, and 'the in thing to do ' will be meaningless
to us because we know who we are and what we may become.
I truly believe the possession of THAT SOMETHING, was what gave the same Peter who denied Christ three times, later the courage to stand up and defend him at the risk of his own life. As he internalized the gospel principles and realized who the Savior really was, he found THAT SOMETHING in his own life. When I firs entered High School, mini skirts were at a peak in popularity.

My good mother tried very hard to keep my skirts long and modest, while I struggled to compromise church standards with hose of my friends and the world. It was a real battle every time we went shopping, and it never failed, as soon as we got home my mother would let al my hems out. I wasn't trying to rebel against my parents of leaders or the church. I just wanted to be accepted by my schoolmates1 It was bad enough being the stake presidents daughter let 1one having to wear my skirts down to the middle of my knee!; Deep inside I really wanted to do the right things, to have the courage to live the gospel standards and not care what others though. but I didn’t' have the courage to be different than my other girlfriends. The ridicule would by more than I could bear. So secretly at night j scotch-  taped and sewed up the hems of my dresses or rolled my skirts up as soon as I got to seminary. Well my mother found out and the whole house came down on my head It seemed to me as if I had committed the Unpardonable Sin. There was a big conference session with my dad in the library behind closed doors. I lied and I cried and shouted. "Well, I don't think Heavenly Father wants me to run around looking like a frump!."

My father is a very wise and loving man. He knew that what I as really saying was, "I want to do the right things but I don't have the courage to be different than my friends." I was stifling under the letter of the law because I hadn’t caught the spirit of it The opinions and standards of others meant so much to me because I hadn't discovered TT SOMETHING within me. He knew that the way for me to discover that something within was to develop a personal relations with the Savior; he also knew that trust builds responsibility.

So in essence he said to me , "Suzanne, you’re 15 now, and becoming a lovely young lady, Pretty soon you will be making all you decisions. I believe you do want to do the right things, and so I' going to let you be responsible for what you wear. I want you to prayerfully consider with the Lord each item that you buy, and I want you to only purchase those things which you honestly feel are modest, wholesome, and pleasing to the Lord--those things, which will help you look like a true daughter of God If you have any doubts or questions, come to me an i811 be more than happy to talk to you about it". This put a whole different light on things, It made responsible for my own actions and accountable to the Lord for them. This was the start of MY search for THAT SOMETHING, and as I have grown closer to the Savior thru study, pondering, prayer, and living the gospel, the knowledge of my Divine Soul has become more and more a reality to me. And I know the Lord has helped and led me throughout my life, particularly in His selection of a mate for me.

Although Kent and I had initially met nearly 2 years ago, we really sort of met and got together this last Summer during some lectures by Truman Madsen at Pomona Church Education Week. Right from he beginning it seemed as if there we an source guiding our relationship than just ourselves. At the end of 2 weeks we knew that this wasn't going to be your usual run-of-the-mill romance. In fact we both began to realize we were growing in love and feelings of rightness about each other. Our relationship and feelings evolved so naturally and smoothly we felt like it must be almost like a fairy tale. At the end of week we both knew that this was the Will of the Lord, so I went to BYU for a semester and Kent came here to blaze a trail for the both of us. In a way, our relationship reminds me of the seed that Alma likens unto faith in the Book of Mormon, I believe the Lord planted the seed of love in our hearts and as it grew and swelled within us, althjough we didn't have a perfect knowledge of all things did have a perfect knowledge in this was of the Lord. Now that the Lord has brought us together and sealed us in His holy temple, it's up to Kent and I to keep feeding and nourishing it so it will continue to grow and we can enjoy the fruits of it. I am grateful to the Lord for Kent. He's a good man. Perhaps the thing that has made me feel most loved b him is his constant desire to do the right thing. I love and cherish him very much and together we can help each other discover our individual Divine Potential.

I know that this is the right place for us to be here in this ward. Kent and I are very pleased with the warm reception you good people have given us, and with all the heir and support Bishop Nichols has been. We are anxious to love and be of service to you in any way that we can. I am delighted with my calling as Mia Maid Advisor. They are all lovely girls and I know that we are going to grow a lot with each other this year. I especially love the Mia Maid age because that is when I began to discover THAT SOMETHING within me.

Frightening Experience
I plunked my brown and round, dimpled crawler, Rachel, on the rusted seat of a pedal-car, handed my flaxen-haired two-year old boy sitting in the sand box a miniature camel    rhino, then headed back to the kitchen to clean up the destruction of breakfast's aftermath. As I swung open the wooden screen door to my red and white kitchen, my nostrils were assailed by an unfamiliar chemical odor, which had hitherto been unnoticed. Taking a puzzled step backwards, I took a deep whiff of backyard aroma and entered the house. The pungent odor became more offensive as I passed the table and chairs and neared the center of the room. I then experi­mentally strolled through the gold living room towards the two-bedroom hallway and noted that the smell, while still strong, was slightly fainter. Walking outside my comfortable green stucco home, I breathed only street and cars, grass and flowers. I zeroed in on my kitchen, determined to track this intrusion to its source. With sober persistence, my nose inquisitively searched under the stove, through the refrigerator and in the sink and trash. It seemed to emanate from the shelved cupboards in the center of the kitchen. Facing the children playing quietly in the backyard, I checked the food storage closet to my left, then turned to the broom closet and canned-goods shelves on my right. 

My eyes filled up with water and my head spun from the now intolerable odor. My puzzlement changed to definite alarm. It was not the odor of spoiled food so I opened the broom closet fearfully. My brimming vision became further obscured by clouds of white fumes. Panicked, I began removing cleaning solvents, fire extinguishers, and aerosol cans as quickly as possible. Then I saw it. There on the low shelf above the mop and toilet plunger was a charred and vaporizing rag. The heat it generated was palpable even from my short hovering distance. Grabbing the baby's bottle tongs, I gingerly deposited the smoking specter in a deep metal pan and quickly immersed it in water. Queasy-stomached and feeling weak-headed, I slumped on the backyard doorstep, watching my oblivious children play, and pondering the weightiness of this frightening experience. Fire! The threatening implications of its destructive power was brought emphatically to my mind as I remembered another experience with this devastating force, in which an entire childhood world of play and nature was destroyed.

August 11, 1977
Today after lunch I was contemplating a nap, when I thought: "No, I really should write my Aunt Norma and my mother's aunt Esther to see what information they have on William Alfred Jones, my great grandfather. As I was copying down again for the umpteenth time his family group sheet with him as a child (what little information I had) I suddenly noticed for possible leads to follow that I had never thought of or noticed before - they were so obvious - such as William Alfred's birth certificate since I have a birth date on him.  I have no record of a search made on that. It seems I have been knocking my head against the wall, stewing about what information I didn't have instead of trying to go on what I did. I am so excited....I can hardly wait to get to the Genealogical Library to research those leads. I hope to find enough names that I can involve all of my family members (mom, aunt, sisters, brothers) in the ordinance work.  Then I can share the blessings and rewards. I just know that there are anxious spirits waiting to have this work done for them. I pray that I maybe led to their records and that the way may be opened up for me. As I marveled over all this the thought occurred to me how much time I waste on unimportant, peripheral matters which are un-fulfilling ultimately.  But when I start doing the priority - heart of the matter projects, - oh the inspiration, fulfillment, and reward! I had been thinking the last couple of days :if I only had a short time to live, would I do anything differently than I am doing now.  I thought no, I'd do the same things, but I'd engage more effort into genealogy and my personal history for my posterity.  Those were the things that really mattered; yet. I have been neglecting them and doing everything else. Since I have begun doing those things instead of watching TV etc, I have felt an excitement a greater zest for living and the spirit of the  Lord in my everyday activities and actions. I am not only more pleasant to be around, but enjoy my family more and feel peace and harmony in my heart and home.  More diligent daily scripture study has greatly helped, too, I know. 

Yesterday Kent and I discussed our financial situation.  We have lived in our house less than a year and have barely made ends meet each month, pay less than 10% budget (Bishop's advice) pay a full tithe and doubled fast offering's, yet we have $4000 dollars in the savings account.  Granted, Kent's inheritance ($2000 dollars from Grandpa Scholl) and Summer School earnings have helped.  But we've spend $11000 on two MGA's. I can only attribute this to the Lord's bounteous goodness and blessings. I pray he may bless us with inspiration and wisdom in planning it's use for our future family needs. 

1979 Rachel by Suzanne
My brown and round, chortling imp
rocking unsteadily on dimpled buttocks,
stretches clasping hands and quivers wishing
that desire had wings to fly her to me

Squealing, squirming, wordless mouthing
she wrinkles up a three toothed grin
and gleefully waves some chewed up string
triumphantly over a brown silk head.

Then slyly stalking, awkward waddling
she pounces my protruding foot
and fist clenched dangling wail-fully mourning
bites my near but innocent knee
Stamping her foot in righteous wrath
She grinds her teeth and spews forth bubbles
then squeezing her middle and exploding giggles.

I carry her warm and purring to bed.

1978 October 28

Suzanne Gardiner
"Waikapalae Wet Cave was made by the Fire Goddess Pele upon
her arrival in the Hawaiian Islands, expecting to find fire at the earth's core rather than fresh water." I read aloud from the "Wiki Wild. Wheels U-drive" guidebook while my husband maneuvered the com­pact rent-a-car along the winding two-lane highway. "An eerie cavern filled with limpid green water, no one can explain why the icy pool occasionally turns cloudy. By diving into the chilly water and swimming under the wall of the mountain one comes up in a secret
room, reported to be an ancient trysting place for lovers. It is said that bellows from mo'o (giant lizard trapped under the earth's surface face) can sometimes be heard at night." The idea of exploring this mystical place intrigued me. What enchanting tales did it harbor? "Let's go find it!" I turned to Kent excitedly. "And look for the secret room?" he grinned slyly and raised his eyebrows in rapid succession. "Just tell me where to go and I'll take you there," he said lightly.

My eyes probed the blurring roadside for the caped King Kamehameha-pictured marker. "There it is! Turn left--now!" Kent turned the wheel sharply, throwing me against the door. Shifting the rust-colored Toyota into low, we skidded up the narrow gravelly road about a hundred yards and parked on the edge of a dirt cul-de-sac sac, facing the highway. Chattering female voices and(s1ammin/ drew our attention to a small group of women preparing to leave.

Kent: "Hey! My wife thinks there's a cave around here that you can dive in and come up in some secret room." (I wrinkled up my nose.)
Lady driver: "You mean the 'blue room'? Yea, I've gone inside it.
Not this year, though. It's really neat, you should see it."

Kent: "Can you see the room? How do you find it?"

Lady driver “I came last year in the afternoon and the sun was shining inside the cave and the water was so clear--you see the rocks on the bottom. It was sort of a turquoise-blue color. There's a little tunnel about this big"--she raised her arms and touched her fingertips above her head--"on the right side of the cave...oh,

about halfway in. I rode in on an inner tube. Or you can dive under the ledge of the right wall of the cave and come inside. Some of my friends did that...that might be your best bet."
"Okay, thanks."

I kicked off my cloddy wooden shoes, rolled up the window, smacked the door lock, and clambered out of the car. To the left of the access road a jagged and steep path, obscured by heavy hillside growth, climbed straight up the mountain. I eyed it unhappily. Cheerful voices floated down over the treetops. Taking my husband's hand, I gingerly picked my way over the rocky trail. Sharp volcanic rock dug into my tender city feet. I lunged from one rough level to another--deliber­ately searching out the smoother surfaces. Even the flatter, worn rocks were covered with a thin layer of sharp, granulated rocks that produced "Ooh's" and "Ah's!" between my gritted teeth. I wryly imagined in former times a bronzed Hawaiian youth urging his complain­ing maiden lover, whispering, "Come on, only a little'll be worth it, I promise you..."

Cresting the top of the hill, I paused breathlessly to view the gaping cavern below me. The path zigzagged down a few feet, halting at a cumbersome boulder, then split to the right and left, tumbling over large rocks and loose gravel to the grassy, water's edge. The cave was a partially submerged cup carved in the face of a neck-craning, solid cliff. An arch as perfect as any rainbow's marked the cup's lip, or mouth of the cave. The bowl's rippled wall on the right side, however, seemed dented in, for rather than mcurving convexly out in a smooth crescent, it angled over to the left side so that the water on the left of the cave was cut deep into the mountain, while the right strip of water thinned out into rough terra firma. The van-hued water's surface looked like a shiny wedge of pie. The mid-afternoon sun's rays illuminated only the opening of the arch, but from where I stood the pool did not look limpid green at all. It changed, like a painter's stick, from trans­lucent turquoise just below me, to murky brown in the far-reaches of the cave.

I stumbled down the scarred hillside to have a closer look.
Each of us perched on a separate rock, Kent and I stood alone in the warm natural amphitheater. I peered anxiously into the dark water near the right wall, looking for the tunnel, while Kent laughed loudly and listened to its hollow magnifying echo.

"Do you see the tunnel?" he asked interestedly.
"Well..."I hesitated. "I think I see it in the middle there."
I pointed to a lumpy indentation rising a little above the water line.
"It looks like it goes in a little ways and then turns to the right.
I'd have to get over closer to tell."
"Oh, yea, I see it now. Can you see into the room?"
"Not from here. Why don't you swim over and have a peek?"
"Who me? Not me!" he said emphatically. "I wouldn't go in that water. You go. You're the brave one in this family, remember?"

I screwed my mouth up in a pout. "Humph!" I snorted. My gaze averred between the forbidding water at my feet, the silhouetted hill behind me, and fortress rock before me. I visualized the room behind that impregnable buttress, lying the same as it            for centuries.... the light filtering in from somewhere above, casting perhaps a soft blue light on the worn rock bed...maybe fern icicles dangling from the ceiling like in a fern grotto...silence, except for the erratic drip, drop of water falling from stalactites...the "blue room"....I sighed. It would be a shame for us to have come this far, perhaps for the only time in our lives, and leave without having visited this haunting secret room.

Reluctantly, I dipped my foot into the icy water. "Oooh! that's co-o-old!" Huge rocks and boulders, avalanched long ago from the hill behind me, tumbled a few yards into the pool's depths. Then the pool's bottom dropped out of sight into sul4rraneous levels. I splashed from rock to rock towards the edge of the impenetrable deep. "Ouch! Oh! Ouch the rocks are cutting my feet and the water is just free-ee-eezing!"
"Well, dive in and start swimming," my husband shouted encour­agingly.

I teetered hesitantly on a slippery pedestal. Well, I was in this far... "Okay," I said less enthusiastically. Taking a big breath, I shut my eyes and leaped ungracefully into the chilly darkness. I whooped and flai4quickly to the right wall,
feeling the blood petrify in my numb veins from the coldness. I paused, treading water, near the bumpy indentation.

"Can you see anything?"

"1 don't know," my teeth chattered, "it curves to the right, and I can't see where it goes. I think I see a light, though." Was it my imagination or was there a faint eerie blue light glowing from within? I got as close as I could to the watery tunnel without knocking my head on the low hanging rock or dipping my chin into the freezing water. Maybe the blue tint was my imagining, but it did seem as though there was some light corning from somewhere, because I could see no shadows although the irregular roof dipped and arched and angled this way and that.

"Really?" Kent called excitedly. "Can you swim inside the tunnel and see where it goes?"

"Not without diving under the water, the roof of the tunnel's too low." I shivered as I mulled this idea over in my brain. What if I dived down into the water and never came up again? I felt like I was hovering over a black bottomless pit and in my vivid mind's eye I could see mo'o blinking up at me and reaching a scaly claw to drag me under forever.

"Um-m-m, I think I'm going to get out now," I stammered, trying to be nonchalant. "You come over and take a look." I swam hurriedly towards the submerged rocks, passing over--was that a warm spot? The water swirling past my thighs seemed almost comfortable for a moment, then goose-pimply cold again. I was engulfed by another warmer spot that moved from my wrists down to my ankles. I paused a few seconds, startled, then thrashed wildly for shore. My knee caught on the jagged edge of an unseen obstacle and I scrambled for safety. Out of the darkness and into the warm sunlight I shrugged my fears off. Too much television, I laughed to myself.

"Okay, your turn," I turned to Kent. "I did it, now you do it. It's not so bad, really, once you get going."

"Well, all right...boy, it is it ever cold...this is really cold water!" he shrieked, splashing and stumbling into the dark deep. "Whoa!" He frog-legged it over to the center of the right wall. "There's no light coming from in, maybe there is...1 can't tell, but there does seem to be faint glow about it."
"Why don't you swim under water and see where it goes?" I called.
"Unh, unh! I'm not going in there. I'm getting out of here. This place gives me the creeps."

"Me, too." I watched him struggle onto the rocks. We stood look­ing uncertainly into the mute cavern. What had it been like long ago? ....Two lovers stealthily feeling their way to the pool's edge in the moonlit night...they are followed by a silent third...a struggle... one lover lies motionless, staring with sightless eyes from the bottom of the pool's depths...the other two leave swiftly, one sob­bing. . .
My attention is averted by a rock falling from the hilltop at my back and the sound o± scuffling. I jumped involuntarily. From behind a boulder bounded two almond-shaped eyes peering beneath a cap of black shiny hair. This little oriental boy was followed by a little oriental girl in sable pig-tails, a smiling oriental woman, thirty-five-ish, and a short oriental man with poised camera in his hands.
"Hey, you guys should go swimming in here, it's loads of fun," Kent hollered up to the man.

"In there? You're kidding?!" the man's mouth dropped.
"Sure, you'll have a great time." We both laughed. "You see there's this secret room...." I tuned Kent's voice out as I thought of that mystical, enchanting place I had never visited, and may never visit.


Wednesday, May 16, 1979
Letters to the Editor,
Los Angeles Times,
Times Mirror Square,
Los Angeles, Ca. 90053
Dear Editor:
I was greatly disaDDointed in the article--feminist Mormons sneak out for ERA"--which app'ed in Sunday, May 6th View section of the Times. I feel that it did not fairly or accurately represent The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' view on the Equal Rights Amendment and women. In 1977, the First Presidency of the Church issued the following statement:
"From its beginnings, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-
day Saints has affirmed the exalted role of woman in our society.
"In 18+2, when women's organizations were little known, the
Prophet Jose'oh Smith established the women's organization of the
Church, the Relief Society, as a companion body of the Priesthood.
The Relief Society continues to function today as a vibrant, worldwide
organization aimed at strengthening motherhood and broadening women's
learning and involvement in religious, compassionate, cultural,
educational, and community pursuits.
"In Utah, where our Church is headquartered, women receivd
the right to vote in 1870, fifty years before the Nineteenth
Amendment to the Constitution granted the ritht nationally.
"There have been, injustices to women before the law and in
society generally. These we deplore.
"There are additional rights to which women are entitled.
"However, we firmly believe that the Equal Rights AmenJmnt is
not the answer.
"While the motives of its supporters may be praiseworthy, ERA
as a blanket attempt to help women could indeed bring them far.
more restraints and repressions. 4e fear it will even stifle many
God-given feminine instincts.
"It would strike at the family, humankind's basic institution.
ERA would bring ambiguity and possibly invite extensive litigation.
"Passage of ERA, some legal authorities contend could nullify
many accumulated benefits to women in present statutes.
"ie recognize men and women as equally important before the Lord,
but with differences biologically, emotionally, and in other ways.
"ERA, we believe, does not recognize these differences. There
are better means for giving women, and men, the rights they deserve."
I appreciated the remarks by former Utah state Rep. Georgia Petersbn, particularly her comments that the fundamental differences in opinion between ERA supporters and the Mormon Church are really "not so far apart".

page 2

I felt that it w:s unfortunate that all of the other women quoted in the article do not seem to really understand the position of the Mormon Church. I think that it would have been appropriate for the Times to have interviewed Barbara B. Smith, the general Relief Society President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints. In an interview three years ago she said:
"In my considered judgment the Equal Rights Amendment is so
broad that it is inadequate, infle::ible, and vaue; so all-encom-
passing that it is nondefinitive. The blanket approach of the
Equal Rights Amendment is, in my opinion, a confused step backward
in time, instead of a clear stride forward into the future. It will
create endless litigation in the courts in which legal decisions are
made which miht create circumstances harmful to the solidarity
of the family and the optimum portection of children. And because it
does not define some differences between men and women, I think it
might be very destructive to families.
"I will always support--as I believe the Relief Society and
the Church have always done--those pieces of legislation that improve
and protect a woman's right to development of her full potential as
a contributing member of society.
"I want women to have social, financial, and legal rights; I want
each woman to be a valued individual, creative, and with many options
as to how she will develop. I want to see a woman become the best woman,
the best citizen, resposible and participating both in her own country
and in the kinrdom of (.iod, the best homemaker, the greatest individual
she is capable 01' becoming. I want her to be self-cor.f!dent, trained,
a great participator. and partner in life, but I wane to be sure that
the laws enacted will provide for these things to happen. The Equal
Rights Amendment is not the way."
It would have been worthy for the Times to have noted that the Church has recently constructed in Nauvoo, Illinois, the largest monument ever constructed to women. 1+ illustrates the various stewardshis and responsi­bilities of women in a series of thirteen statues placed in a garden setting. florence Hansen, sculptor of two of the thirteen pieces, believes that the purpose of the monument is to "portray to thç,.world the stand pur Church takes concerning women; to honor women and)contributions to society; and to heighten their aspirations as they relate to each concept."
I believe that there is no other Church upon the face of the earth that gives women greater opportunity for service, growth, and development than the Mormon Church does. It is q great champion of womanhood, freedom, individuality, and development.
I feel that you did a-grave disservice to your subscribers when you printed that slanted and sensationalist article. It was a discredit to your news­paper. I would hope that in the future you would be much more selective, wise, honest, and fair in the material you present--for that is, after all, your primary responsibility to your readers. May you live worthy of that trust.

1979 Monday June 4
Dear Dad,
Yesterday, Sunday during the Sacrament meeting in Mark's ward (which was a little before 12 noon) I was thinking about you, and that the greatest blessing in my life is that I have a priesthood father who loves the Lord.  I remember what you said at Jim's setting apart before his mission that you had delivered Jim, blessed him, baptized him, ordained him to every office in the priesthood, and even set him apart as a missionary, but that you did not want to marry him because you did not have that authority to seal him - you wanted him to go to the temple and be sealed by one who held the authority to do so.  I thought to myself how grateful I am to have a father who wants what the Lord wants more than what he wants - and the tears sprang to my eyes and I was filled with the Spirit of the Lord and most overpowering feeling of love and warmth.  I realize after you called last night that the Lord was bearing witness to my spirit about that special event which was happening to you in the temple at the same time.  I know that the Lord has blessed you for your righteous desires.  And me for having you for a father.

Indeed the greatest witness of the gospel in my life has been your life.  I confess that I have been a very proud and weak individual when it comes to living the gospel.  I have frequently questions and doubts nearly every precept , commandment and principle but when I have you here always come to my mind and I remember the phrase "by their fruits ye shall know them." And I would think to myself, of the gospel can produce someone like my father then I want to stay true to it so I can become like that too.

I have come to realize that the whole object of our existence on the earth is to yield our hearts to the spirit of the Lord so that we want what He wants...that we yield  not just our hearts but our minds, time, the development of our talents, out means, everything to His will, rather than our will.  Of course his will is our exaltation and ultimate happiness, but we can not see the whole picture as he sees it;, therefore we must trust him and the blessings come after the trial of our faith.   Suffering comes when we want that which is contrary to His righteousness.

I have been under a great trial lately...the last 6 months or so.  There is nothing that I would like to do more than go to school full time (even part time, even 1 class!) and learn to write...develop my intellectual capacities.  I have an ache inside to learn everything and express myself so bad that I can hardly stand it.  I find housework so unfulfilling, the emotional demands of Kent and the children almost more than I can bear.  Yet when I pray about it the Spirit of the Lord says no that is not the way, or now is not the time.  There are other lessons to learn a time and season for all things.  When I found Kent I shed many tears and asked the Lord to send him away - let me finish my schooling, get some more experience, self-confidence, but then as now the Spirit whispered to my raging soul" Peace, be still."...I wish that life were not so hard - but I know that it is only because I can not see afar off and am not sufficiently humble.  Even I would not change the Eternal Fates if I could.  For I know that my Heavenly Father only wants my ultimate happiness and welfare (you taught me that) and only by learning , doing and wanting what He wants will I live a life of "memories, not regrets" as you say.  I want to live my life so that 109 years form now 100 years from now or 1,000 years from now I'll be glad I made the choices that I did.

My patriarchal blessing tells me that I shall find a joy in being a mother that can not be had any other way, that with regard to my husband that the Lord has great things that he wants me to do and he wants me to be his handmaiden.  I believe that and I am selfish enough to not want to deny myself any blessing. It also tells me that trials and tribulations will help me grow and that through my faithfulness I'll become strong in living the gospel.  It also specifies that my special gifts are knowledge, wisdom and understanding and that I am to use these gifts in teaching the gospel to others. God grant that I may do so.
 Thank you for your example.
I am always your loving daughter

June 22, 1979

1981 December, Suzanne
On Cleaning Walls
"I'll wash the walls tomorrow"
she said glancing from her book
and as her son ran the muddied wheels
of his truck along the painted moulding,
she filled her mind with thoughts
of the world beyond those plastered barriers
and scratched away at scales of
prejudice and ignorance within.

"I'll wash the walls tomorrow"
she nodded closing the oven door
and while her own children ate
bread and jam on the family room floor, 
the neighbors ate the Sunday Pot Roast, 
and she fed not only bodies but hearts s well
and the walls glowed
with a warmth no color thermostat put there.

"Ill wash the walls tomorrow"
she smiled lifting her painted canvas
and as her daughter mimicked her strokes
with crayon on small print wall paper,
she brought the light of beauty and truth 
through the windows of her home
and showed in the reflection of her offspring
forever stamping them with greatness and depth.

27712 Hyssop Lane
Saugus, Ca. 
91350 December 1981

Dear Friends and Relatives;
We are pleased to report the status of our family to others re cherish. de are living in Saugus, California. This is the hone of the Saugus Speedway and Swap meet, where a quarter of a million people cane last .3unday looking for
a bargain. They race stock cars there on weekend nights. Saugus is 3 miles from
Flags Magic Mountain, the amusement park home of the American Revolution--the rollercoaster that makes a complete C (revolution), and the Jo1ossus--the world's largest wooden roller coaster the last three cars leave the track).
We have a yellow house with white trim and a large enclosed yard, complete with sand box for the children (the neighborhood cats like the sandbox, too). ;.e have enjoyed putting up drapes and wallpaper, painting, laying bluegrass sod, flower and vegetable gardens, etc. Our hone is in a new tract of 600 homes with shared park areas and a community pool. .e really enjoy it, It's quiet. The children have many friends in the neighborhood. There 's a cute lit tie elementary
scnoo1  a mile away, and a chapel just blocks away. de have found many young families living out here with similar values and goals.
5)4 year-old Chad is usually the life of every party. He always has a multi-
lot of ideas for everyone    a natural leader--and is happiest when he a the center of attention or running the show. de enjoys Star Wars and or an X-ding fighter, yoda, and Chewbacca for Christmas. but his favorite present was a i3ast ill's Race track set. He is in Miss Hankla's kindergarten class at Rosedell elementary school, and he enjoys art, science, reading, music, and of course, snack time. He has always had an abundance of enemy, and is learn­ing how to direct it. He and Rachel recently went to see Cinderella with non.
Rachel is almost 1 years old. She is sweet and pretty with her large brown eyes, gold hair, and coquettish smile. She loves to play house with her dishes, dress up, eat candy, do tricks (stand on one foot, hang by her knees) and since starting Preschool has become much more outgoing and talkative, in fact she can be heard to quote her teacher quite liberally for support in crucial
moments: Well, teacher says..... ", etc. She tripped at her Grandpa Gardiner's
the day after Christmas and cut her lip. It's swollen, scabbed over, and tern-ole looking, and wasn't helped any when Eric tried to pull the scab off. (rand-pa Dr. Brown says she will live and her lip will heal. And grandma-great Breiten gave her a Red-riding hood/ Grandma/Wolf doll (handmade) that gets lugged every­where.
21-month old Eric James is all dimpled smiles, clownish ways, and full of the raspberry. He doesn't go anywhere without his 'nanny" (blanket) a  or little "bbbbrrrrrrooomm's" (cars) clutches cubby little hands. Lie has his own language for everything and only his family can understand him...most of the time. ‘Meow" (milk) is anything to drink...."na no (ding dong) means he wants to go out the front door...and "DAH-Td." (usually shouted very loudly) refers to almost anything he finds on the ground, but more particularly cigarette butts much to the embarrassment of his parents).
Suzanne and Kent put up several pints of Apple Jelly and Butter an Hallo­ween night, and had to redo the jelly times before they got the right amounts

page 2, Gardiner's letter, 12/81
of pectin, acid and heat to gel the juice. Suzanne has been on a sewing binge lately. She made a burgundy velveteen cuffed-sleeve, short-waisted jacket, pink wool pants, and a gathered velvet Victorian print skirt for Christmas. She made Rachel a strawberry calico print dress with a pinafore, and a burgundy velveteen dress with long sleeves, a lace collar and embroidered smocking. Kent calls that
         dress Rachel's little her Fauntleroy Dress"....... She belongs to a book club and
in 'November led the discussion on Pearl S Buck's The Good garth....She has been active in school and church boards, and is helping 
in the church nursery. Right now she is recovering from a long bout with a recurring flu virus....3he also got her Plymouth Valiant repainted (yeaa!).
Kent is retiring from ;G's after 10 years and cars. Here is a list of his former treasures:
'58 MG Magnette (black)
'67 MOB GI (yellow)
'53 MG TD (brown)
'52 MG-(parts car)
'72 MGB GT (teak blue)
'58 MG coupe
'55 MGA roadster 
'70 GB GT split bumper (red)
The last one is currently for sale. he is now in the final state of restoring his '6 Mustang. He1s going to paint it a deep red with black interior...He is also finishing up his administrative credential and in February he will start to apply around So. Cal. to be a principal. There are about 100 applicants ±'or each position and only 14 interviewed, so it is going to be tough... He is still struggling with his math and reading textbooks too, and while he has received a lot of encouragement,' has gotten no bites yet  this year he has been teaching
first and second grade, which he says is harder than the upper grades he has always taught before. Younger children are more challenging, he says. (His wife could have told him that!)
Well, a very Happy New Year to you and your loved ones from--

The Gardiners

27712 Hyssop Lane
Saugus, Ca. 
91350 December 1981
Dear Friends and Relatives:
We are pleased to report the status of our family to others we cherish. .e are living in Saugus, California. his is the home of the Saugus Speedway and Swap meet, where a quarter of a million people came last Sunday looking for a bargain. They race stock cars there on weekend nights. Saugus is miles from Flags Magic :mountain, the amusement park home of the American Revolution-­he roller-coaster that makes a complete 0 (revolution), and the Colossus--the world's largest wooden rollercoaster. the last three cars leave the track).
We have a yellow house with white trite and a large enclosed yard, complete with sand box for the children (the neighborhood cats like the sandbox, too).
c have enjoyed putting up drapes and wallpaper, painting, laying bluegrass sod, flower and vegetable gardens, etc. Our home is in a new tract of 600 homes with shared park areas and a community co1. :.e really enjoy it. It's quiet. The children have many friends in the neighborhood. There's a cute little elementary
school  a mile away, and a chapel just blocks away. We have found many young families living out here with similar values and goals.
5Y year-old Chad is usually the life of every party. He always has a multi­tude of ideas for everyone.ith'3 a natural leader--and is happiest when he's the center of attention or running the show. Je enjoys Star Wars and got an X-wing fighter, yoda, and Chewbacca for Christmas. Put his favorite present was a Fast ill's Race track set. He is in Miss Hankla's kindergarten class at Rosedell Elementary school, and he enjoys art, science, reading, music, and of course, snack time. Re has always had an abundance of energy, and is learn­ing how to direct it. He and Rachel recently went to see Cinderella with mom.
Rachel is almost + years old. She is sweet and pretty with her large brown eyes, gold hair, and coquettish smile. She loves to play house with her dishes, dress up, eat candy, do 'tricks" (stand on one foot, hang by her knees) and since starting Preschool has become much more outgoing and talkative. in fact she can be heard to quote her teacher quote liberally for support in crucial
moments: "Well,  teacher says.. ', etc. She tripped at her Grandma Gardiner's
the day after Christmas and cut her lip. It's swollen, scabbed over, and terri­ble looking, and wasn't helped any when Eric tried to pull the scab off. rand-pa Dr. Brown says she will live and her lip will heal. Her grandma-great Breiten gave her a Red-riding hood/ Grandma/Wolf doll (handmade) that gets lugged every­where,
21-month old Eric James is all dimpled smiles, clownish ways, and full of the raspberry. He doesn't go anywhere without his "nanny" (blanket) a "bbbbrrrrrr00000mm's" (cars) 1utchedinhi chubby little hands. he has his own language for everything and only his fmi1y can understand him...most of the “Maow” (milk) is anything to drink...”Na no (ding dong) means he wants to go out the front door...and "DAH-TEE" (usually shouted very loudly) refers to almost anything he finds on the ground, but more particularly cigarette butts much to the embarrassment of his parents).

Suzanne and Kent put up several pints of Apple je1ly and Butter Halloween night, and had to redo the jelly times before they got the right amounts

May 1, 1982
Dear Family-
Why is a farmer cruel to his corn?
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling?
Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet when he got in late last night?
(answers below)
Wel1 here it is almost summer again. Suzanne is busy writing another song. She just finished a poem for the
Era contest and last night she made strawberry jam.
Last weekend she announced that she as taking the
Saturday off. I watched the kids, cleaned the house, went swimming, then sat down and watched TV, pretending
to do that all day. But she didn't come home until
8:00 at night. Since then she has been in high spirits.
I guess the Temple, the genealogical library and shopping really agrees with her. I'm considering a change of roles, because I enjoy staying home with the kids and I'm sure she would be a fabulous teacher.
Chad is in T Ball. He has a hat, mitt and a shirt that says Pirates. I'm the coach. Le have a lot of fun. But we do have one rule with these mighty mites-never throw the ball, you never know what might happen
Rachel is full of questions and ideas about life. She made a picture of Suzanne and herself on a permanent plate, and then she wouldn't let Suzanne kiss her, so Suzanne had to kiss the picture of Suzanne on the plate instead. This brought great belches of tittering laughter.
Eric last Friday got out of bed himself. That night we had Chad leap on the top bunk, and so Rachel wanted to sleep on the bottom bunk. Guess what. Eric promptly switched beds and slept in Rachel's bed. e now play
musical beds nightly. Eric is full of fun and curiosity. He is an absolute delight.
e would still enjoy getting together with the rest of you
for a couple of days during the summer.    
We love you all
Suzanne and Kent
B ecause he plulled their ears
Cut off their noses

He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills

1982 May 7

Love Song
Our hearts beat in harmony
To a melody woven long
Before our souls played here
In earth's composition

Some Lucky Me
"Some wives," you tell me,
Fix their husbands lunches
And have dinner on at five
EVERY night without fail.

"Some husbands," you tell me
NEVER clean up after dinner
And do all the laundry
Each week without fail

Aren't you glad, I tell you,
That "some wives" and "some husbands"
Exist ONLY in some child's
Immature fairy tale?

I pity "some wives," I tell you,
For their "some husbands" will never
Compare with my perfect
Complaining some male. 

Little Big Guy

Eric James Gardiner was born March 26, 1980. He has blond hair and blue eyes. He stands 34 inches tall and weighs 30 pounds: he is a well-proportioned infant. He likes doggies and kitties, being around other children, candy, bottles of milk, turning on lights, his blanket, his older brothers little cars, wearing his big sister's shoes, fixing the car with daddy, helping mommy fix dinner,  "Sesame Street", talking things apart. He dislikes being shut out, being told to "go away", being changed or dressed, being given milk in a glass instead of a bottle or having a favored object ken away from him.

Suzanne, February 23, 1982
Little Big Guy

Little "Big Guy" is an irresistible toddler who can steal your heart and tweak it at the same time. His platinum blond hair frames a most angelic face, set with enormous blue eyes, and chubby kissable cheeks.  But looks are deceiving,. Behind his cherubic features is a lively and impish personality that tries even a mother's love.

From the moment Eric Gardiner wakens he commands attention. He stands up in his crib, throws "nanny" (blanket), "Brrrrrrrroom" (a fast 111's race car), and "maol" (milk bottle) on the floor along with any clothing he can take off, and yells at the top of his lungs.

As soon as his basic needs are attended to (such as a change of diapers and a glass of milk--which is difficult since he must be chased down for the first and coaxed into the last), he begins his studious job of mimicking all the important people in his life.  In face he was dubbed "Big Guy" by his father because he tries so hard at this obsession to be just like certain favorite people. If the older children color, he must color too, if they race screaming through the house, he does also, even if he is the object of their frenzy. If his father needs to work on one of the cars, he is most content with a screwdriver or hammer in his hand, and if mommy is fixing dinner, he needs his own stirring spoon and taster handy.  His favorite toys are an older sister's discarded clothing, and his big brother's formerly-coveted little race cars.  But he takes occasional time-outs immitating to be an absolute imp. He pounds the piano, scribbles crayon on walls, leaves a trail of turned on lights, stereo speaker covers and turned over chairs in his wake.  And when he's crossed--watch out. He a kami-kazi pilot on a death mission.  With teeth bared and fists clinched, he's a terror only three feet high.

He's a knee-high darling, too especially when he cuddles up next to you on the couch to watch "Ernie and Bert," leaning one arm companionably on your lap, while a faint aroma of not-quite-house-trained puppy waifs faintly from his tousled curls.  And there's a certain spot, just under his right ear and behind his jaw that is just waiting to be kissed at any moment.

Little "Big Guy" may be short stuff, but he's pretty potent, and his family wouldn't trade him in on a larger, more even-tempered model for all the peace and quiet in the world. 

Dear Family
We've all had our birthday's in the last 5 months - Chad being the last one.  We had to postpone his party a week because we all got the flu, but when we finally had it it was loads of, prizes, presents, hot dogs.  he got dinosaurs, cars, Star Wars, little people lots of toys, the works.  We're all going to Disneyland when Kent gets back from Canada (see below)

Rachel goes to Tiny Tots at the Park on Friday's and is very proud to be going to school now like a big girl.  She has grown up so much - really enjoys playing with her friends, dishes and doing "tricks" on the swing set.  She also likes "curlies in her hair.

Eric just had his gorgeous curly locks shorn off.  He looks more like a boy but mother was sure sorry to see them cut off (So was Eric - he really hollered)  He's got 18 teeth, dimples and dearly loves to help his daddy fix the car.  he also to pay basketball carries the ball over and underneath the basket and drops it, then squeals.

Kent had a very interesting experience with an investigator.  Most of his time has been spent trying to get 2 of the three cars we own to work.  He's given up on the MG (the engine has frozen up). and so has been concentrating on the '65 Mustang.  He spent as much money having the engine rebuilt as he did for the entire car. Suzanne is getting very anxious to get her car back.  Later this month Kent's is going to Canada for a week with the kids at school.

Suzanne is on the Stake R.S. board curriculum and in service leader.  It's a fun job, but her first opportunity to provide luncheon at stake board meeting she failed miserably at rolls.  They came out like hard little biscuits....and she used Janice's recipe, too.  Guess I'll have to let you make them next time Janice.  She's taking piano lessons at College of the Canyons, currently playing Debussy's "Reverie" and enjoying it tremendously

Both Kent and Suzanne have started taking another genealogy class in their ward.  Maybe if we take enough of them we'll get around to doing our Genealogy
Love all
Kent Suzanne, Chad Eric, Rachel

October 22, 1982

Dear Family,
We hope this letter finds all of you well and happy. Suzanne is continuing to work hard in her missionary work although the results she would like are difficult to find. We have done a lot of things like dinners, ice cream parties, church and the visitor center with non members lately. It has been fun but we haven't had a lot trying to join the church. Suzanne has learned the lessons and had the most hours in the entire stake last month.
Chad is playing soccer and really loving it. He knows which way to kick the ball and gets right in the thick of things wacking this way and that. He's also learning how to read in first graie which he is very proud of.
achel is going to preschool and is taking dance lessons. She is a beauty beyond compare. She enjoys playing house, monster and playing in the dirt as well as riding her tricycle.
Eric is spoil.ed.*He is currently working on his 51st way of getting his way in a jam. He knows how to get his way with mommy, daddy, the cat next door, machines chairs and a tinker toy set.
Kent is teaching 1st and 2ond grades. Two days ago he gave a presentation to a hundred parents and won the populari....1 contest. He has been hard to live with since then. His Mustang is done and he is eagerly eying the want ad for a model A.
Below is a picture of what each member of the family is going to be for Halloween.
April 27, 1983
Dear Family,
We are happy to inform you that all is going
well in the convivial confines of greater Saugus.
Suzanne, the missionary, is also sewing dreses
by the batch for Rachel who is in fun for fours.
Last night we attended her open house and saw some
of her work which looks excellent. She equals and
in some instances is better than anyone in her class.
She told me at dinner that her teacher 'doesn't have
any girls. I looked at her and told her how difficult
it must be not to have a sweet cherub like her. We
sure enjoy our girl, Eachel.
Meanwhile, Chad and Eric continue to keep things moving. Chad is in T-Ball again this year. He plays left field and is a fine hitter. Eric also hits, and for hitting he takes a time out on his time out chair. By the time Eric stops hitting we'll probably want him to start hitting.
I'm applying for principal ships all over California. I wouldn't even mind a small community in central California for the experience of being a principal. There are at least 180 applicants for each position. So just getting an interview is a major proposition. Usually school districts have someone in mind for the job but occasionally they hire from without. Two weeks ago our family visited the parents. While there I had Dad give me a fathers blessing to begin my job search. It was a very special experience that we taped. It is a very special thing to have a father that can be inspired on your behalf.
Because of the expected addition to our family we are looking for a van or something that will transport a large group. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated.
We would like to sponsor a get together out here either June 11 or June 18. Picnic, food, swimming, early morning fishing if you like. Would you be interested?
The Beitler’s, men only, take all of the children to Kings Canyon each Labor Day. They leave the wives behind and camp out in the Sequoias for four days. There is a stream, an enclosed canyon, fishing. Now doesn't that sound grea. Because our family isn't doing anything over that four day weekend, I'm joining their family. Chad, Rachel and I will be enjoying a lot of other "cousins" and having a four day picnic. I'll bet they remember it for a long time to come. What could we do?  Kent and Suzanne 

1984 Dear FamilyI am really looking forward to my trip to Tennessee Wednesday morning August 8th.  I'll be staying with Delbert Jones and his family for the Jones reunion Sunday August 12th in Algood and returning Wednesday evening August 15 on Republish Airlines.  I am hoping that this trip will yield additional information on the spouses of William Alfred Jone's brother's and sisters, so that we can submit them for temple ordnance work.  Correspondence hasn't seemed to open up or clarify much information yet.

I'm still waiting to hear from Salt lake Genealogical Society about the names I;'ve already submitted--it's been 3 months now.  Hopefully all will clear by early September and we can begin the ordinances with Uncle Wayne and Aunt Norma when they are here September 20 for a visit. I will need to type up all of my information extending our line back from Abby Livesay Jones to her great grandfather Thomas Livesay - send copies to all of you, and to our ancestral file in Salt lake as well

I know that this is a great work and that many of our forebears on this line have accepted the gospel.

Jan. 1985
Dear Family,
It was great to see J.T and have everyone back together again this Christmas. We thoroughly enjoyed the get together at Mark's home.
We are having a great time out in Saugus. To update you on the latest in the way of family news:
Chad is in Cub Scouts working on his slot car (pinewood derby), finished with his soccer games and in his spare time he is quite a fine artist.
Rachel just had her 7th birthday. She got a special doll and she has decided to join the Brownies with some of her friends from school. She is a good little reader in fact she read all of her birthday cards herself.
Eric is full of enthusiasm and love for everyone. He is going to a couple of pre schools, one at school and one community preschool. He enjoys building and playing in the playhouse.
Ryan likes his bottle and his "nanny" and the cat in that order. He is cheerful and loves to kiss and hug his daddy. He can now attend the nursery because he is a year and a half.
Suzanne is in the Stake YW presidency and has many projects including an exercise and scripture reading program. She's tough to keep up with.
Kent is buying three investment homes and looking for others. He is also involved in some goal setting and self improvement. He's running, reading and ran the basketball program for the Stake this year.
We hope this letter finds all of you well and happy. I ran by the
Golden Gate home the other day. The neighborhood has really taken
a beating. The old house now has been added on to, it has bars on
all the windows and a no trespassing sign out in front with a chain
link fence in front. I became very melancholy seeing what Grandfathers
dream had become. I even drove by his Presbyterian church to see if
the minister might remember Grandpa. I knocked on the door. No
answer. I walked around front only to see the name of the new
minister Dr. Yoo along with funny symbols. So much for that idea.
It is sometimes difficult to let go of the past but kinda nice
to remember how things were. There have been a lot of changes.

With love from our family to you and yours,

Dear Family:        
February 5, 1985
e1l, Saturday night on a sail boat in Marina Del 2ey with old
friends Terry and Debbie Blocker, Wayne and Marla Hedges, and Wayne
and Janet Kalama, I was officially inducted into the big "3O" Club.
I guess I have finally arrived at the age of reason and responsibly.
(Albeit My typewriter still hasn't learned to type very well). This has
been a rather painful maturation process, but the blow was softened
somewhat by the support of good friends. Thanks to all for their cards, etc.

I am listening to my "Best of Three Dog Night" birthday present
from Kent (and reveling in nostalgia) and hosting brother-in-law
Mike Wooten who is job-hunting here in the L.A. area. Anybody want to
hire a soon-to-be wealthy and successful retail manager?     Kent
has taken Chad with him to help him clean up his 3rd St. E. 1)4 acre
horse property in Lancaster. It's an REQ that he hopes to pull $20-
BIG ONES out of and still retain half ownership in refinancing through
Lancaster Mortgage with a "Carry Mac" loan....He's into Stake Basketball
Playoffs as stake physical activities chairman and doing
so well that the stake has turned down two requests from our ward to
put him in major ward leadership positions, in the last month alone.

Chad has his pinewood derby all carved and painted and ready
for next Cu pack meeting. Rachel has joined Brownies and is at a
meeting right now, anxious to get her uniform and be official....Eric
is in the back yard with a host of neighborhood "chums" digging furiously
in the garden with some metal "swords" that have been confiscated from
a scrapheap carted home by Kent from one of his investment properties.
Ryan has temporarily laid off sucking toothpaste tubes to pursue his
second favorite past-time, which is dragging a rather reluctant "Chita"
(our kitten) around the back yard by his neck.

Otherwise all is business as usual. As co-chairman of our stake's
BYU Youth Conference this July I am accepting all activity suggestions...

Kent and Suzanne

Well, Saturday night on a small boat in Marina Del Rey with old friends Terry and Debbie Blocker, Wayne and Marla Hedges, and Wayne and Janet Kalama, I was officially inducted into the big "3-00" Club. I guess i have finally arrived at the age of reason and responsibility.  (Albeit my typewriter still hasn't learned to type very well). This has been a rather painful maturation process, but the blow was softened somewhat by the support of good friends. Thanks for all the cards, etc.

Dear Kent,
Yesterday afternoon after you left I took a nice nap, then went swimming with the kids. When we got home, we made the beds, cleaned the house, ate hamburgers for dinner, watched "Airwolf", read some books and went to bed. This morning, Eric and Rachel did Chad's route and I called the Signal.

This afternoon the children are watching Fawlty Towers; there's nothing really on TV. We've already done journals. At 4:00pm we're going to eat and take a walk around the tract to deliver swimming cards, then come home for a bowl of ice cream and Disney.

In church today, Kevin Large bore a very moving testimony about his decision to go on a mission and how grateful he was for the church's true principles, including no paid ministry, which allowed him to serve in the Bishopric and fumble around. Then Shandra Fornash told about her doubts about her marriage outside the church and her fiancé’s interest in the Book of Mormon, fascination with her family, and friendship with another LDS young man on his ship. They are holding meetings, praying and studying together. She expressed her love for her brothers and sisters and her parents in a very sweet way.

We had only three girls in class today--Amber, Jessica, and Rebecca M. Today is Corey Greenlaw's farewell. Terry Beitler showed up with about 8 of his scouts on their way to scout camp in Catalina. The Conkling and Andrus babies were blessed. Chris Conkling didn't know what to say and so he and the Bishop had a hurried up whispered conference while his male family members all stood around the circle and everyone in the audience waited with baited breaths. Lorna and Rich bore very sweet testimonies about the joy of having another child in their homes.
Ryan is bored and hungry. Eric broke his fast early with my okay. (He sure gets in a bad mood when he is hungry.) Everybody is safe and healthy. I wish I'd thought of your pants and belt early enough for you to have them up with you. I'll write you again tomorrow; right at this moment Ryan is setting the timer on me to fix dinner.
I love you very much and I miss you too (especially at night).
   XXX, Suz.

P.S. The refrigerator is working just fine. I'm taping "the Major and the Minor" with Ray Milland for us to watch. 
P.S.S. I still can't find the envelopes.

April 30. 1987
Dear Family.                                                                         
Time is certainly moving along for us. During the last couple of weeks-Kent made the decision to teach one half time next year, we put two roads into our land to get better access. a close friend of our family died. Suzanne switched church jobs to work with the scouts and our bishop fell into some marital problems.

In our own family Jeff blessed us with a computer, Eric, Ashley, Rachel Kent and Suzanne had birthdays, Suzanne's mothers cancer stabilized and Ashley began to walk. Amid all of this our family is doing well, enjoying the IBM and everyone is in love with little Ashley with the tittering walk and the big smile. I guess it is during times of crisis and times of mourning for loved ones that we stop and think how very precious life really is and how happy we are to have each other, We really do appreciate our family and the gospel and each day of life that we have.

Kent /Suzanne and Family

1987 April

Dear Esther,
I am sorry to be slow in responding to your sweet letter about my mother.  You may know that for the last couple of years my mother had painful arthritis in her hip and joints and also the beginning stages of Parkinson's Disease (Parkinson's is marked by uncontrolled tremor, slowness of movement, and rigidity.  It is eventually a crippling, irreversible disorder.)  Last Summer after a kidney stone was removed, she felt better than she had in a long time and went to China with my dad and a group of doctors on a goodwill mission.  It was a marvelous experience for them.  Before they left, my older sister and her family came down for a visit from Yuba City and it was the first time all six of us children had been together for several years.  We had a family picture taken and planned many family outings, etc. We have some special memories of that Summer together.

Then around Thanksgiving she began to feel poorly again and we thought it was some more kidney trouble.  But by Christmas the pain was excruciating, her stomach was bloated and her posture was lopsided.  An X-ray showed some crushed and disintegrating post-polio syndrome, but a biopsy indicated malignant cancer,.  Further tests indicated that this cancer did not originate in the bone and was spread throughout her body.  Many of these same tests given to her last Spring before her kidney operation had shown nothing then but now did--given us to believe that it  was a very fast acting cancer and that she might only have a few weeks or months to be with us.  She was in a great deal of pain and it was very difficult for her to move around or even get out of bed.  The more tests she had seem to give no new information except what or where the cancer was not.

Because of the brittle condition of the bones in her back and hip she had some radiation treatments there.  These made her very sick at first, but additional X-rays showed no spread of the cancer from those points, which made us all more hopeful.  Because of the doctors are unable to pinpoint the exact point of origination, they are uncertain as to the best treatment for it other than pain medication.  But with the passing of weeks, the pain has lessened and she has become more mobile, and able to get up and around better.  There are no new symptoms of the cancer and we think it may be in a slight remission.  During Easter Vacation, my older sister and family came down again for a visit and Belva Wilcox Jones Breiten doing the cooking.

As you know, my parents have a very sweet and While it would be nice to keep my mother around forever, death seems an inevitable part of the plan of life and it is sometimes a blessing for those who suffer.  We would not want to see my mother live out many more years here in mortality in agony, and so we accept the will of God in this matter, and are comforted by the hope that family unity can continue after death.  In our family prayers we have been praying that the Lord's will may be done, and that if it is pleasing to him, that she may have time to put her affairs in order and we can prepare to send her home to God who gave her to us.  These last few weeks we have videotaped her and my father talking about their courtship and marriage. personal history, and values that they hope their children and grandchildren can appreciate and gain from.  She's been assembling some scrapbooks and going over some papers she's collected over the years.  She is certain that this physical respite that she is going through is due to the faith and prayers of so many friends and loved ones.

Perhaps most remarkable about all of this is her beautiful and inspirational spirit.  Sometime in January when she was in so much pain, she decided that while all of us must fact a Goliath in our lives that we need to slay like David of old, her Goliath was not the illness itself, but her attitude towards it, and how she made those around her feel.  It is not unusual to see her lying in bed, surrounded by children and grandchildren, passing out candies and other collections, sharing in a joke, and behaving as graciously as any queen holding court from the most stately throne.  She is delightful to be around, truly an example to us all.  We can not bear to think of life without her, but she surely teaching us how to live and die with beauty and desire for eternal family bonds.

We appreciate your interest.  If you are able to drop her a note I know that she would appreciate it too.  My family and I are doing quite well.  The children are all healthy and Kent and I are planning a trip to London in October for a reunion of his.  We own some property in Acton that we are developing and selling.  Kent still teaches Elementary School but next year he'd like to teach just half time and develop land the rest.  We'd love to talk my older sister Johanna into moving down to Southern California with the rest of us but her family seems to like the rural agricultural life of Northern California.  Her husband is a CPA for a credit union.  My brother Jim is moving to 29 Palms for his medical residency in July (That's in the desert beyond San Bernardino).  He is currently finishing up his internship at Camp Pendleton.  My younger sister Judy and her family are planning to move up our way in June from San Diego way--her husband is a sales rep for a industrial computer software firm and would like to move closer to work.  Charlie and his family are home from BUIU, he’s looking for a clerkship with a law firm.  He has about 2 years left of law school.  David is living at home this year and going to school--he's thinking about a medical career like his older brother and father too.

We hope that all is well with you.  Give e our regards to everyone there.  I guess Delbert Jones has contacted you about the Jones Reunion.  He is a very dear man, who just had an aorta valve replaced last week with surgery.   I hope that you can go back to the reunion sometime.  I understand Isaac Jones grandchildren are going to try to go back this year also (Francis Blaylock Jones's children--remember when you first introduce me to their 9+ years ago.  Again we appreciate your concern.  Lots of love

Suzanne Brown Gardiner

1987 August 10
Dear Family,
This has been a tearful, exciting         fun filled summer for the
Saugus Gardiners. Suzanne's mother passed          y in the arms of
her husband.         Her last words were, will it hurt anymore? Jim
said no sweetheart and she died that evening. It was a wonderful two hour service. Suzanne cave the eulogy. She gave a touching history of her mothers life, service and testimony.
We sold our Acton property and are waiting for escrow to close. If it does we will be happy, if not we'll go ahead and resell the property. There is so much at stake, for us, that we've sort of settled into permanent wonderment at each new turn of events on our land.
A very close missionary buddy of mine who I have not seen for some time and I got together for the first time in fifteen years. He has five children and his divorce will be final this week. Our bishop last year and his wife were Just divorced last week. They had six children.
In contrast to this Suzanne and I have had the best summer of our lives. The last two months have been a second honeymoon for Lt5
After thirteen years the fire burns ever brighter.      I wrote the
following paragraph after finding out about my missionary buddy.
It seems. that to be successful in marriage, one must be considerate and goal oriented. Sensitive consideration for the other person is very important. Also working together on topics and goals of mutual interest tend to infuse a relationship with
vigor and meaning.       Sometimes one person has special interests
that seem to be very basic to their personality and character. With Marjorie it was antiques, painting and her family. With me
it is cars, genealogy, my wife and children.      The mate needs to
take on at least a degree of interest and achieve at least some support so that there can be fulfillment in that marriage. This, along with, sensitive, genuine consideration make a relationship grow and blossom.
We are more grateful than ever for the gospel and our family.
With love,

Kent and Suzanne
1988 February

Dear Family,
Well, I hit a BIG 33 this week. I thought that I'd be more depressed about it than I actually was. I guess I'm too busy with the family, Primary, Scouts, and PTA (and enjoying myself) to stew too much about it. Life does get better with the passage of time, if only we could figure out some way to get wiser without actually aging any. But maybe that's something we get in the Millennial Post Graduate Course.
Well, we still have no money but not enough sense to believe we're very poor (although two escrows are scheduled to close this Wednesday--Finally). But in our free time, we've been compiling all our journal entries about the children into their personal histories on the computer. Rachel's history alone has over 45 pages--more than I think I have on my whole life to date. It has been very fulfilling, renewing all our tender feelings for each other over the years from each child's birth to the present. I recommend this to all of you. With computers it is easy to compile and store information, and it has proven to be one of the most worthwhile undertakings we've ever done.
I came across my journal entry after Jim and Carol's temple wedding. Dad told a story about Elder David B. Height who used to dream as a boy growing up in the farm fields of Idaho of hitting the winning run in the World's Series and thinking that was the greatest thing that could ever happen to him. Many years later he had the opportunity of performing the sealing for his youngest child, a boy, and as he looked around the room he saw all his children present with their spouses, he realized that this was the greatest dream to have. All of us were there, except for Charlie, who was on his mission. Dad said that this was he and mother's dream as well. A sweeter spirit I have never felt in all my life.

We had a very nice visit with Grandma and Dad on Saturday. The children enjoyed showing off their accomplishments. Chad just finished his Art Merit Badge and will be awarded the Star Rank in Scouting at his next Court of Honor on February 17th. He also won toastmasters in his classroom when he gave a presentation on art and animation. Rachel has been competing in multi-regional Soccer games since her team was the All-Valley winner in December. She is an avid reader in the Book It program sponsored by Pizza Hut, and is enjoying the Babysitters' Club series. Eric has been enjoying his after school art classes and is looking forward to being baptized next month on his birthday, March 26th. We'll have a family baptism at the stake center on Camp Plenty Road at 3:00pm, followed by dinner and joint Grandpa Brown/Eric birthday celebrations. Ryan, who was just getting over the flu (miraculously cured with M&M's and Root Beer), was Grandpa's special "buddy" the whole visit. Ashley flirted a little with both Grandpa and Grandma Great until falling asleep on the floor beside Kent and the TV (watching the broadcast of BYU's disastrous game with UAB). She came down with a fever during the night like Ryan, and was 'cured in similar fashion. Love y'all.


Paul and Nancy,
We thought that you might like to have your very own copy of the Book of Mormon - so that you can study it over carefully and prayerfully and determine for yourselves its validity. Its a very special book, with a remarkable promise in it, - unlike any other book I know. This promise (you can read it on the next page) was written by Moroni, the last prophet in ancient America to write in the book.  In essence this promise is that everyone who sincerely reads this book, and honestly ponders its messages in their heart, and humbly asks God whether it is really divinely inspired - can gain a witness from the Holy Ghost that it is.

In other words, as you read meditate and pray you will feel a sweet, peaceful reassuring feeling in your heart, and occasionally even pricking, burning or bursting with joy feeling inside of you.  These sometimes will be similar to the feelings you had when you decided to marry (and knew you were right for each other). when you first held Laura in your arms after she was born and what you felt at the Visitor's Center that Friday night we took you (and what you'll feel again when you go back there.)  It is the Spirit of the Lord bearing testimony to you.  And how you respond to this witness will be a measure of your faith in God. It is the same power by which you know Jesus Christ and the Bible are true.

This is important for you to know - because if the Book of Mormon is the word of God, then Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and the Church of Jesus Christ was restored through him in these latter days, and there is a successor to Joseph Smith a prophet of God today - who holds all the keys, power and authority to direct the Lord's Kingdom on earth, including the power to seal your family.  Paul and Nancy, for eternity. This important not only for you but for your children as well.  

Even though Kent and I know that it is true we want you to find out for yourselves.  We invite you to test it.  We've always been grateful that we have.

Love you always.
Kent and Suzanne Gardiner
Chad, Rachel, Eric

P.S. Especially read Christ's visit to America pages 421 - 435

January 22, 1990

Dear Family and friends,
Thank you so much for your many kind prayers and cards and gifts to me and my family, and for all of you who did so much to help us move into our new house. It is finally beginning to look like a home.
I am responding well to the chemotherapy and am in pretty good health and strength. I have had several marvelous priesthood blessings in which I have been promised that my doctors would be blessed in their care for me, that my body would respond appropriately, and that I would be healed, and live to accomplish my mission in life including raising my six beautiful children. I am most grateful to the Lord in His infinite goodness to me and mine and for your love and support.
The doctors are recommending an autologous bone marrow transplant program for me since so many lymph nodes were infected and because of my young age. They plan to aspirate some of my own bone marrow, then give me more intensive chemotherapy and return my bone marrow back to me. This has been proven to be quite effective in treating advanced breast cancer cases. But since this is relatively new, my insurance company is balking at approving payment for this procedure. We are holding a special Family Fast on the first Fast Sunday in February and would be appreciative if you would like to join with us in asking the Lord to bless us in being successful in our appeal to Prudential Insurance and the University of California Benefits Program.
They have rescheduled my aspiration for February 21, so that it will force Prudential and UC Benefits to make a decision before then. If they refuse, then I will go see a lawyer; however I hope that I do not have to go that last route. Your faith and prayers in my behalf do and will have much benefit for me and I sincerely thank you for everything. We hope to keep you in touch.
Love. And best wishes,

Suzanne Brown Gardiner and Family,

To My Children's "Other Mothers” *

To you "other mothers"
With whom I have entrusted
My life's treasured jewels--
Those cherished little souls
That God has given me
To raise,
And I have given you
To teach:

What debt of gratitude
Tis mine, For this burden
That you share--
For lifting the yoke of
Motherhood I bear,
To walk along side
And help me pull
The cart homeward again.

Life's long journey,
Too swiftly forgotton
And only vaguely familiar--
I have seen others trudge before.
But for me. the way seems
Too lonely, too treacherous
To carry the load forward
Alone, without you.

And so to you,
My children's "other mothers",
I thank you.
From the bottom of my heart
I thank you.
This precious cargo that I haul
Feels lighter, dearer
Because of you.

*Dedicated with love to Elaine Cannon, and all women who teach other mothers' children

1991 July
Dear Family?
Tomorrow is a big ay tot Ryan--he turns eight years old. He wants a pair of rollerblades and some scriptures. And he loves Cub Scouts. Shortly after joining our ward den, I found him reading his Cub book in bed at 6:30 in the morning. Now that's dedication! His den had a cook-out and swim last week, and this week they are going to a Dodger game and the baseball card shop.
Ryan's baptism will be Saturday August .3, at :30 urn, at the stake Center on McBean Parkway (right from 1-5). It will be a family baptism, and we hope that ail of you can come (you'll probably be on the program it you no). We- will confirm artery, his baptism and serve hot fudge sundaes at our house afterwards. —"
August is a been a big month fore the Gardiner clan. Chad's Eagle Court of honor will be end or August or September. Chad is now working at Burner in and has been generously snaring his early momma paper route with Rachel arid Eric; who are eager to earn money as well. Chad is saving tor a dirt bike; Eric just bought himself a EB gun; Rachel wants clothes and other creature comforts (I'm with Rachel!).
Ryan, Ashley and Brett are currently in swim lessons at the local park pool. At first Brett had a tit when I tried to get him in the pool, now he has a fit when it's time to get out. Well, I guess that's some progress. Ashley is making an ABC book and can't wait for kindergarten. She and Mother are the only ones who constantly ask: "How many more days until school starts?" I'm afraid my reasons for asking are not entirely altruistic.
On the really good news side: I went in for an echocardiogram Friday, aria my Ejection-Fraction rate was 52.2k, about the same as it was before my transplant (normal is anywhere from 38-64't). When 1 was in CC(J, it was down below l5, and last year at this time it was only up to 23'. My shortening traction rate is also well within the normal range. My doctor says that anyone loosing at my current health record would have no idea or what I'd been through in the last two years. Now, is that a
miracle or what   We believe in the power of faith and prayer.
On the not so good news side: Our Acton property which we foreclosed on is now tied up in chapter 11 bankruptcy, and so we are having an expensive education about the judiciary and legal system. What Fun! Oh, well, never a dull moment around here.
Bye tot now. Love to all and best wishes to Kent's brother Jeff and his fiancé Andrea. Now all of our brothers and sisters will be sealed in the temple. What a great tradition.

Love, Kent-Suzanne-Chad-Rachel-Eric-Ryan-Ashley-Brett

1990 August 6

Dear Family,
Thank you so much for all of your prayers in my behalf. I believe that it was through prayer that my life was preserved. One doctor said that I came the closest to the cliff and walking away from it of any patient he'd seen.

I went into the hospital on April 2. On April 4 I started eight consecutive days of chemotherapy. I felt somewhat disoriented during this time but not bad. On the ninth day I had a day of rest, and then on April 13th they injected back into me half of the bone marrow they had taken out earlier. It was only about 10 ounces, was peach colored, frozen and quick-thawed, and came in a package looking like lunch meat.
I felt pretty good, more tired than anything because my blood count dropped so low, and I began needing red blood cells and platelets. My white cell count had dropped to zero and I was in "isolation"--my own private room with about 10 square feet for me to live in. I got a slight cough and sore throat, then fever after tour days, which turned out to be strep throat. They began giving me a broad range of antibiotics as an artificial immune system for me since I didn't have one of my own to fight off infection. I crocheted and read and did pretty well for about a week until I started getting severe fevers and chills again. They were not sure what the infections were, but they suspected a rare form of pneumonia for at least one of them.

On May 3rd they did a bronchoscopy on me to check my lungs out and afterwards I began to have cardiac failure and difficulty breathing. I was transferred to the Cardiac Care Unit where I remained for almost two weeks. It appears that one of the chemotherapy drugs may have weakened my heart, and it was not strong enough to tight off all the infections, particularly the blood and fluid in my lungs’. After nearly stopping, my heart eventually began to get stronger and I was able to leave the CCU and go back into the regular hospital unit.

Then began the slow process of my body gradually regaining its full functions back again--particularly my kidneys, which had temporarily shut down because of the medications and trauma which I had been through. I went through several weeks of dialysis, and finally came home on Sunday June 10th, after 12 weeks in the hospital. I was so happy I cried all the way home. It is good to be alive and reunited with my family.
I am doing fairly well; my heart ejection rate is still quite low and I am very anemic and so I am tired most of the time; my feet are sore and swollen (but I can now walk around without a walker and cane); my stomach is queasy and upset some of the time; my right hand is sore and numb from the doctors hitting a nerve in my arm while putting in a heart monitor; and
my voice is still hoarse from a respirator tube having been down my throat: but hopefully these things will eventually pass. UCLA hospital staff calls me a miracle patient for coming as far as I have. I will not be going in for a second bone marrow transplant as planned originally, because of the difficulties I had this time. But I feel that this was worth it, because I gave it my best shot, and I believe that we did conquer the cancer along with everything else.
While this has been a terrible ordeal to go through, there have been some compensations: the knowledge of how much the Lord has blessed me, a greater appreciation for my family, and the joy of life itself. I feel as though my life is full of so many little happiness’s: the joy of being alive in this beautiful world, the love between Kent and I, caring for my children again, being in my own home, the friendship of good people and family members.

Grandma and Grandpa Gardiner brought Brett home to us on Saturday. It was a great blessing tor us to have them care for him during my hospital stay and recuperation. He seems to be responding well to our family again. He's been going around giving everyone "the raspberry"---sticking his tongue out and spitting. He loves going outside and fortunately, we now have a yard tor him to go out to. Kent out most of our backyard in during my hospital stay, and it is nice to finally have greenery around the house.
I thank you all for your many prayers in my behalf. which I believe helped save my life. Thank you too tor your many cards, sweet: words of love and encouragement, offers to help, gifts, etc. have have meant more than I can tell you.

Suzanne Brown Gardiner

Thanksgiving 1991
Dear ±family,
Well, here we are again, another year older, hopefully wiser, and grateful. to be both.
Chad just got back from Oregon on a fun but unsuccessful
deer-hunting trio.... Unfortunately he has to work Thanksgiving Day
at Burger King for all those lonely people who have no other
place to go......... Rachel is ace-mg 8th grade and looking forward
to going to Washington 
D.C. this Spring with other 8th grade students from all over this valley. She is also heavily into young teenage hood which includes fantastic facial expressions and comments like, "I wish I had different parents--who weren't so strict.
Speaking of teenagers... .We are studying the Old Testament this year for our family scripture study to coincide with Seminary study (we figured it was the only way to help Chad make any sense out of it). We've lately been spending some time on Abraham and we've made an important discovery for all of you scripture scholars out there. We've learned that Isaac was either twelve and younger, or over the age of nineteen at the time that Abraham was asked to offer him in sacrifice. And the reason that we've been able to determine this is because it he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice! Yuk. Yuk. Yuk. (More fabulous facial expressions by Rachel).
Back to the family: Eric is working hard in Blazer Scouts; he only needs two more merit badges to be eligible to fly in his Blazer Leader's private airplane by his twelfth birthday. He is also a star soccer player and hopes to get on a city Basketball
team................... Ryan is into Wolf cub-scouting, tetherball,
rollerblades, and copying Egyptian hieroglyphic (sic) writings. He
is fascinated with "ancient" writings......... Ashley said the poem
"Autumn Leaves" and laved it on the piano in Primary absolutely perfectly, and 
was the envy of all other mothers of five year
olds for her bravura........ Brett can't leave our train set alone.
He lives for garbage trucks, buses, tractors, trains, fire
trucks, and anything, big, mechanical and on wheels        Kent has
just finished planting a lot 
of beautiful trees and plants around our home, and sold many more to Brian Buchwalter. We went in partners with our Elders Quorum President who was liquidating
some leftovers from his commercial landscaping business....... I am
heavily involved in PTA. Primary In-service, and Stevenson Ranch town council. I feel wonderful, and .[ am grateful to mv Father in Heaven for his great mercy to me, and to Kent, so that he doesn't have to raise our teenagers by himself (they'd never make it).

wishing everyone a safe, sane, joy-filled holiday season, Kent & Suzanne & Chad & Rachel & Eric & Ryan & Ashley & Brett G.

I love the song "As Sisters in Zion” and I can seldom sing it without a tear or two coming to my eye.

The errand of angels is given to women……      
How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission…..
I pray that the Spirit might be here today as I extend to you the challenge that Gordon B. Hinckley did at the September 1989 women's Conference. That challenge is: "to rise to the stature of the divine within you". As we have been reminded, ours is a Godly inheritance. "I am a child of God" is not an idle or meaningless statement. We were there "when the morning stars sang together, and all the Sons (and daughters) of God shouted tar joy" We brought some of that inheritance with us when we came "trailing clouds at glory... ..from God who is our home."

We were there when there was a war in heaven. We were among those who chose to tallow the plan of Him who became our Redeemer rather than the plan of him who became our adversary. Great and marvelous is our place in the plan at God our Eternal Father.

The Lord saved the greatest and the best of his creations for last--woman. First he created a beautiful spot for her, this earth and the Garden of Eden. Then he created a man who would cherish and provide for her. Then he created Eve, his crowning achievement, and the embodiment of all that was beautiful and good.

There are many stages that a woman goes through in her passage towards becoming a queen. And in each stage there are blessings and opportunities to develop the spark of divinity within. I've asked Niki Norton and Wendy Manwaring, two exemplary young women, one planning to leave on a mission and the other planning a temple wedding, to bear their testimonies of the Lord's goodness to them in bringing them to this point in their lives.

Next, Diane Callister will bear her testimony of the joys of
young motherhood. She will be followed by Jeanette Broman who will bear heir testimony of the blessings that the Lord has given her as a mature woman in the gospel.

These are among those who rise to the stature of the divine inheritance they carry. For you who are young and for you who are older, there are three endeavors which President Hinckley recommends that we engage in which will help us in developing our divine potential, in making these suggestions, he does not ask that we reach beyond our capacity. We shouldn't nag ourselves with thoughts of failure, nor set goals far beyond our capacity to achieve. We should simply do what we can do, in the best way we Know, and the Lord will accept at our effort.

First educate your hands and your minds. Jeanette Broman touched on this. We belong to a church which espouses Education. We believe that "the glory of God is intelligence", and "whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this lite, it will rise with us in the resurrections."

Young women should get all the education you can, train yourselves to make a contribution to the society in which you will live. Almost the entire field of human endeavor is now open to women, in contrast with difficult restrictions that were felt only a few years ago. While it would be wonderful to be a full-time mother, many must balance motherhood with employment, and they will be better equipped to do so it they are trainedWhether it is applied to earning a living or not, education is an investment that never ceases to pay dividends of one kind or another.

In the process of educating our minds, we should stir within ourselves a greater sensitivity to the beautiful, the artistic, and the cultivation of the talent we possess, be it large or small. The cultivation of beauty becomes an expression of the divine nature within us. We need to become acquainted with great books, great minds, and that greatest of all souls, our Savior. I've asked Brenda George to share her feelings on this subject.

The second suggestion is to Keep Marriage and Motherhood in their true perspective. Since we Know that "Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man in the Lord," and that the highest covenant of the gospel can only be entered by husband and wife, a happy marriage and motherhood is the aim of every woman. Yet there are some who will be denied this opportunity for a time. You should not spend your time in self pity; rather keep yourselves alive by vigorously pursuing lofty goals and associating with others who are doing the same. You are not alone, and you are not a helpless victim of fate. You can in large measure master your fate, strengthen your self-worth, and reach out to others in need who will appreciate your talents. And the promise is there that eventually every worthy woman will be given the opportunity for eternal marriage and motherhood.

I've asked Debbie Anderson, a single mother in our ward to share her feelings on this subject.

There are also many women who are denied motherhood. I think of Ardeth G. Kapp, outgoing General Young Women's President and all of the tine service she has done to the young women of the church. Someday she will experience motherhood too, but for now she has been mothering many other women's daughters.

For those of us who are married, we need to make our marriage a partnership. Pres. Hinckley says that he is satisfied that God our Eternal Father does not love His daughters less than He loves His sons. Under the gospel plan the wife walks neither ahead nor behind her husband, but at his side in a true companionship before the Lord.

I've asked Patriarch Kay Wright to bear his testimony on this subject.

President Hinckley says that he wishes with all his heart that every marriage might be a happy marriage, and that each sister may stand as queen in her home, happy with the knowledge that she is loved and honored and treasured. He feels that this goal is possible it there is a willingness to make the effort to bring it to pass.  It takes a lot unselfishness, hard work, patience, long suffering, faith, and vision on the part of both the husband and the wife to make this a reality. But it is truly attainable it if is our desire. God our Father lives in a marriage relationship with our Mother in Heaven, and this is the ultimate goal of all his children.

Third, Pres. Hinckley suggests that we walk with prayer and faith, with charity and love. Our Father in Heaven has endowed His daughters with a unique and wonderful capacity to reach out to those in distress, to bring comfort and succor, to bind up the wounds and heal the aching heart. Ours is the errand of angels, and the ministering of angels cannot be restrained from our presence it we are worthy.
Mother's Day is a very special time of year for me. Not only
because motherhood I very special to me, but May8th is the
joint birthday of both my oldest and my youngest child. And it was two years ago at this time that I lay in a coma in CCU, hovering between lite and death, and was not expected to survive.

Some of you may know how special my youngest child is to me. He is my gift from heaven. I found a lump in my breast four years ago, before I was pregnant with him. I went to my doctor about it and he assured me that it was benign--nothing to worry about since I didn't fit into any of the risk categories, in my heart 1 felt that something wasn't quite right. But I also felt very strongly that there was another child that I was supposed to have, and a great sense of urgency, as if time were running out. I went to my Father in Heaven in prayer about this conflict and prayed that he would preserve my life so that I could have this one last child.

Well, 1 became pregnant immediately, and later during a Priesthood blessing I was told that the Lord was pleased with my desire to bear children, and that this child would enjoy all the blessings of the gospel and the priesthood. All through my pregnancy I felt very strongly my Heavenly Father's love for me, more than at any other time in my life.

After Brett was born and weaned, I had the biopsy done (a whole year and a half after I first discovered the lump). Cancer was confirmed. 1 remember pouring over my Patriarchal Blessing and wondering if I would live to raise this little boy after all. As 1 was dropping oft to sleep, 1 sensed a hand placed over mine and a sweet voice like my mother's say "you will be well". I felt an assurance that the Lord would keep his end of the bargain.

And he surely did. There were so many miracles involved in my case. The fact that I had carried the cancer all through my pregnancy and waited a year and a halt before getting it diagnosed, and yet there was no gross metastasis anywhere was one miracle. Getting UCLA to cover the treatment without having to sue them or come up with the funding was yet another one. Nearly all of my major organs went into failure and my doctor says that they have never had a patient come as close to the edge and live to tell about it. He says that I am a Modern-day Miracle. And then the tact that my cancer is hormone receptive is still another miracle in my favor.

I don’t know why I had to go through what I did. But I can bear testimony that God lives and that he hears and answers prayers, and grants unto his children the righteous desires of their heart.

I am so grateful tor my Relief Society sisters tor supporting my family throughout this ordeal. We moved into this ward right in the middle of all this adversity, and you sisters took us in, ted and clothed us, raised my children, lifted our spirits, prayed tor us, donated blood, and did everything tor us. The staff at UCLA could not believe the support that I had. I know that you sisters are ministering angels on earth, and I love you and hope to be able to minister back to you in return.

Marvelous is the power of women of faith. It has been demonstrated again and again in the history of this church. It goes on among us today. I think it is part of the divinity within you. Sisters, rise to the stature of that divinity. Make the world in which you live a better place for yourself and for all who will come after you. There is much to do, many challenges to De met., adversities to overcome, trials to be endured. There is much evil in the world, and much harshness, even in homes. We need to rise above all of this. Stand up, sneak out against evil and brutality. Keep the filthiness out of our homes and safe guard against abuse. And we will be blessed by our Father in Heaven to become true  queens that we were meant to be.

June 20, 1993

Dear Family and Friends,
We have just learned that Suzanne's cancer is back for good. Recent scans have revealed some lymph node involvement below her sternum, and some tumor on a rib and in her pelvis. She has also had a second chest wall recurrence. That's the bad news. The good news is that this is a very slow-growing cancer--these cells have likely been there since before she first discovered her lump over five years ago. it is possible they have been there as long as 7 years or more, since it is believed that cancer spreads very early in its history before a lump is even felt. She has also received the assurance that the birth of Brett (and even possibly Ashley) made no difference in her prognosis. Her kind of cancer, which is hormone-receptive and recurs to the chest wall, lymph nodes, and bones is less aggressive and more easily treatable than cancer which is not hormone-receptive and recurs to vital organs. While it is not currently curable, it is controllable, and she is assured several more years of life.
She has begun taking some Medicine (Progesterone) hormone treatment which may stop its growth and put it into remission for a long time (many years). There are still a wide variety of treatments she can try which may slow it up or halt its progress, and there is a lot of encouraging research in the area of microbiology coming up in the future. Some women in Suzanne's situation have lived fifteen to twenty years beyond their original diagnosis and recurrence. She's been "lucky" before, and we are praying that she will be lucky again. We would appreciate your prayers on her behalf as well.
While we are saddened at the news, we are not terribly distraught. Sometimes a trial like this can actually turn into a blessing. As we learned through the death of Suzanne's mother, cancer can give the person and family some time to prepare themselves and draw closer together in love and harmony. We'd like as long of a time together as possible but are trusting in the Lord's goodness and mercy. We are very grateful to the Lord for the miraculous preservation of her life up to the present, and we believe that He will continue to preserve her life as long as she is needed here, which we trust will be a long time still.
Thanks for your love and concern. Please do not call and ask how she is--there is not likely to be anything new to report, and endless questioning (well-meaning as it may be) is emotionally exhausting. She is not presently incapacitated in any way, or in any great discomfort, and certainly is not on death's door. We don't need anything now, and we would like to be treated as it everything were tine. The doctors advise us to consider this a chronic problem and not a life-threatening one at this time.

We love you and appreciate your faith and prayers. Kent H. and Suzanne Brown Gardiner

September 25, Sunday

Said, "I'm sorry I haven't been fell."
Said she felt like she was going to get better and ate a little food.
A realtor showed the house and asked if it was okay. She said yes.
She was brought the Sacrament and took only 1/2 a piece of bread.

September 26, Monday
Ashley laying beside her
Brett tried to breathe like her

Diagnosis: Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma of the Breast

After she dies, Brett suggests we say a prayer. 
Brett going to bed says my mommy loves me but I can't see her. Glena Rae White finds his favorite photo of his mother and places it on his dresser.  "Everytime you look at your mother smiling remember how uch you were loved by her." Glena Rae

Things I have really appreciated during all of this

Cookies for the children
Notes of love (more calls)
Balloons and candy (Hiltons) for the children (Mark and Karen
Presents the children can open and give to me (Nancy L)
Dr Greenwald coming by to say his prayers were with me.
Pretty things to wear or books to read (Nancy Large gave me ornament earrings and 2 Agatha Christie books)
All expressions of love and sympathy
Plants more than flowers
Kent bringing the children by
Being able to hold and feed Brett, talk to and kiss each child, seeing Chad take charge of passing out presents and cards.
Grandma called Friday, too weak to move - nuclear technician - heart radiologists say "Bone scan looks perfectly normal to me."
GRW plant, Mark and Karen pointsetta, give book, plants, flowers, Michams, Nickles, Jim and Carol
Christen - presents from Larges
Sat. Judy called Kent and children - Brett asleep in my arms.
I, Dad relieved to hear bone scan.
Prayed and knew Lord's love
Sun: Paul Turney told Kent he didn't do this often but he'd said a prayer fro me.
Frankie Behan brought candy and popcorn'
Mauricio Ofelia Rodgeguez came by w family
Folks Elaine and Dad
Smiths and Waits
Dr Lim. 

August 6, 1990
Dear Family,
Thank you so much for all of your prayers in my behalf. I believe that it was through prayer that my life was preserved. One doctor said that I came the closest to the cliff and walking away from it of any patient he'd seen.
I went into the hospital on April 2. On April 4 I started eight consecutive days of chemotherapy. I felt somewhat disoriented during this time but not bad. On the ninth day I had a day of rest, and then on April 13th they injected back into me half of the bone marrow they had taken out earlier. It was only about 10 ounces, was peach colored, frozen and quick-thawed, and came in a packaqe looking like lunch meat.
I felt pretty good, more tired than anything because my blood count dropped so low, and I began needing red blood cells and platelets. My white cell count had dropped to zero and I was in "isolation"--my own private room with about 10 square feet for me to live in. I got a slight cough and sore throat, then fever after four days, which turned out to be strep throat. They began giving me a broad range of antibiotics as an artificial immune system for me since I didn't have one of my own to fight off infection. I crocheted and read and did pretty well for about a week until I started getting severe tevers and chills again. They weren't sure what the infections were, but they suspected a rare form of pneumonia for at least one of them.
On May 3rd they did a bronchoscopy on me to check my lungs out and afterwards I began to have cardiac failure and difficulty breathing. I was transferred to the Cardiac Care Unit where I remained for almost two weeks. It appears that one of the chemotherapy drugs may have weakened my heart, and it was not strong enough to fight off all the infections, particularly the blood and fluid in my lungs. After nearly stopping, my heart eventually began to get stronger and I was able to leave the CCU and go back into the regular hospital unit.
Then began the slow process of my body gradually regaining its full functions back again--particularly my kidneys, which had temporarily shut down because of the medications and trauma which I had been through. I went through several weeks of dialysis, and finally came home on Sunday June 10th, after 12 weeks in the hospital. I was so happy I cried all the way home. It is good to be alive and reunited with my family.
I am doing fairly well; my heart ejection rate is still quite low and I am very anemic and so I am tired most of the time; my feet are sore and swollen (but I can now walk around without a walker and cane); my stomach is queasy and upset some of the time; my right hand is sore and numb from the doctors hitting a nerve in my arm while putting in a heart monitor; and

my voice is still hoarse from a resoirator tube havina been down my throat: but hopefully these things will eventually pass. UCLA hospital staff calls me a miracle patient for comma as far as I have. I will not be going in for a second bone marrow transplant as planned originally, because of the difficulties I had this time. But I feel that this was worth it, because I gave it my best shot, and I believe that we did conquer the cancer along with everything else.
While this has been a terrible ordeal to go through, there have been some compensations: the knowledge of how much the Lord has blessed me, a greater appreciation for my family, and the joy of life itself. I feel as though my life is full of so many little happinesses: the joy of being alive in this beautiful world, the love between Kent and I, caring for my children again, beinq in my own home, the friendshio of good people and family member s.
Grandma and Grandoa Gardiner brouaht Brett home to us on Saturday. it was a great blessing i-or us to have them care for him during my hospital stay and recuperation. He seems to be reaulustina well to our tamily aoain. He's been qoina around qving everyone "the raspherrv"--stickinq his tongue out and spitting. He loves qoiria outside and fortunately, we now have a yard tor him to co out to. Kent out most of our backyard in durJnn my bosnital stay, and it is nice to tinallv have greenery around tie
I thank you all for your many nravers in my behalf, which I believe helned save my life. Thank you too i-or your many cards,
sweet words of love and encouragement, offers to help, gifts,
etc. They have meant more than 1 can tell you.

Suzanne Brown Gardiner
Reaction to Cancer
Last November I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Because of the high recurrence rate for patients in my condition, doctors at UCLA medical center have recommended an autologous bone marrow transplant as the best medical recourse for a possible cure. I applied to my insurance company for pre-authorization for this recommended treatment and they have turned rue down, even after repeated appeals. The University of California where my husband works and where the procedure is going to be performed, and which is self-insured, has refused to
intervene in my behalf.         I have contacted several attorneys
before I found one that would consider my case. It appears that I will have to take my case to court in order to try to win approval for this potentially life-saving treatment. In the mean time I am currently receiving the strongest chemotherapy short of a bone marrow transplant that is available. I am trying to raise my six children under the age of fourteen and have just moved into a new house.
I think that the thing that keeps me going from day to day is my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. Paul says in Hebrews that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I can read in my journal of times in the past in which the Lord has helped me out of bleak situations, and it gives me courage to hope and believe that He will help me now and in the future. I also find comfort in reading about priesthood blessings that I have received during this illness in which the Lord has promised me that His Will shall be done in this matter and that I will be healed. I also had a very spiritual experience when I went to the temple and stood in the prayer circle with my husband. I had the assurance from the Lord that everything would work out for my benefit, and that I could rest peacefully at night and take comfort in knowing that He would bless me. I have recorded this experience in my journal and re-reading it helps to bolster my faith when I feel discouraged by the events that are taking place.
I also find a lot of comfort in reading the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, where the Lord always helps out those who humble themselves before him and put their trust in him. Two scriptural heroines for me are Mary the mother of Jesus, and Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist. The angel of God spoke of Elizabeth, who had been barren for so many years, when he said, "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." When Mary went to see her cousin, Elizabeth said, "And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord."
The many kind letters and expressions of love that I have received from so many special people telling me of their prayers for me has also bolstered my spirits, for I know that the Lord will answer those prayers. Remembering the Lord's goodness in the past helps give me the courage and faith to go on and know that He will continue to bless and help me in the future.

Dear Family,
Well, Grandma Great is another year older and I'm sure wiser to boot. Judy and Mike and Dad and Elaine went out to dinner at the Sizzler with her on her birthday, and Judy brought her some flowers from all of us. I picked her up from the hospital on the 17th and stayed with her in the afternoon while she napped. She came through her surgery marvelously, although she claimed to sympathize with Pinocchio more than ever before. I reminded her that even Pinocchio was glad to be alive and healthy. Her nose catch is only about the size of a dime, and when the doctor removes her gauze and stitches, will be hardly noticeable. The spot behind her ear where they took the skin graft was a nasty four inch gash, but will be nearly invisible when it heals. I gave her the 1992 Relief Society commemorative calendar from all of us to assist her in planning the work that the Lord still has tot her to do, as she was told in her priesthood blessing the night before her surgery.
am enclosing Gene Johnston's Dinky Creek poem for all of you non campers who joined us this past June. (1 Know that Uncle Bob would also like a copy, Carol.) We have fond memories of that experience and are looking toward to attending next time. Thanks tot planning it, Barbara.
All adults who can get together are invited on Saturday
evening November        at my home tot dinner and the game "How to
Host a Murder". Another great Barbara Brown idea.
Chad just      got back from Oregon on a fun but unsuccessful
deer-hunting trip. Rachel is looking forward to going to Washington, D.C. this Spring with the 8th grade. Eric has his first class and two merit badges and so will be eligible to go up in his Blazer Leaders private airplane before his twelfth birthday. Ryan is an enthusiastic Wolf cub scouter. Ashley is saying a poem and playing "Autumn Leaves" on the piano in Jr. Primary this Sunday. Brett is lust about to et potty-trained, whether he's ready or not (we're ready!). Kent has planted numerous beautiful trees and plants around our home to make it lovely. I am heavily involved in PTA, Primary In-service, and Stevenson Ranch planning committee. I feel wonderful, and am grateful to my Father in Heaven tot his great mercy to me.
We are s0000000 excited for David and Colleen, although (chuckle, chuckle) we know that they have no idea what they are getting into. Perhaps that is a blessing in itself.
Best of wishes and love to all,
Suzanne Gardiner and family

July 20, 92

Dear family.
Everybody's busy at work, summer school, or volley ball camp. We can't wait until we get a pool over here, the weather is
so hot.        The good news is we got our Acton property back. We
hope the economy improves so we can sell it again soon.
Dad: Teaching summer school; fixing cars, writing math curriculum, studying ham radio; wishes he were fixing the train set up.
Mom: Toilet trained Brett (YEA!); running kids around, trying to keep cool, working hard on the Town Council to get Public Transportation and a Recreation Center in Stevenson Ranch.
Chad: Working at Burger King and Penguin's; went to EFY; weight lifting; learning computer programing; helping fix cars, (helped make the background sets for the Ward Roadshow: looking forward to getting his license.
Rachel: Went to EFY (Especially for Youth at BYU); going to volley ball camp, cooking meals and grocery shopping; Was a Valley Girl in the Ward Roadshow (like Wow and totally cool!); trying out for volleyball and basketball this Fall; going to Stake YW Camp.
Eric: Working tor dad at summer school as a classroom Aid; learning typing and ham radio; Was a Pioneer teenager in the Ward Roadshow (is that better or worse than a Modern teenager'?); going to scout camp.
Ryan: Graduated from intermediate swimming, going to summer school (learning about China and speaking Spanish); Was a Beach Bum in the Ward Roadshow; taking care of his hamster; looking forward to number 9 birthday (7/22).
Ashley: took swimming lessons; going to summer school (learning about bugs and the ocean); Was a Pioneer Girl in the Ward Roadshow; taking care of her hamster; tried out gymnastics (didn't like it).
Brett: Graduated from diapers and a crib (YEA!); tries to keep up with the others (wanted to be in the Ward Roadshow with Ashley); going to love Preschool in the Fall.
We are planning some camping trips this summer to Northern and Southern California. Plus the Beach.
Hope to see you soon:
Kent, Suzanne, Chad, Rachel, Eric, Ryan, Ashley Brett.

April 18, 1993

Dear Family,
Spring has sprung and each day is gloriously beautiful. All at the flowers Kent has planted have burst into bloom. Our home is looking so lovely I confess I really don't want to move and start all over again.
Chad moved out into the guest house and so now he and Eric have their own rooms, and the other four children are jealous. The only hitch is that now they have to keep their rooms immaculate all the time by themselves--and have no one else to blame. Brett moved downstairs into the bottom bunk below Ryan and the first night they had so much fun they stayed up and talked all night. The next morning Brett was pretty wiped out. Then he came down with Rosella and has been miserable ever since.
Kent fixed the tender on our new Volvo. As some of you know, Chad was nearly killed in December when a double trailer semi decided to move into Chad's lane on the freeway. We replaced the car in January and then in March a girl backed into Chad at Hart High School. Kent was able to replace the fender and fix the car himself, and as it turns out we are actually making money on these accidents. However, Chad has no intention of turning this into a profession.
Kent and 1 are teaching the CTRA5: ten lovely, slightly hyper children all Ashley's age in Primary. It was a class no one else wanted, and it's become one of our favorite callings. I am still the Bear Cub leader with Ryan's age group and this week we are getting ready for our Pinewood Derby. This week I also go for my state Real Estate exam in downtown Los Angeles, which hopefully will not be in the midst of rioting and burning after the Rodney King verdict. (We had a little excitement over at Magic Mountain near us over a concert which was oversold, and it turns out that it may actually BE safer in downtown L.A. this coming week.)
UCLA is cutting the salaries of all its staff by 5 percent next year. Since we are barely surviving right now, it should be interesting to see how we hold out it our house doesn't sale soon. I'm getting my R.E. license because it seems like something can do around the children's schedule without having to go back to school or work all day away tram home. Believe it or not houses are picking up. just not our house yet. We'd like to stay in the area until Kent gets full retirement from UCLA, and then move out of Southern California. Being a Southern California girl all my life, I never thought that I’d say that, but the crime and gang violence that is creeping over even into this valley and the highs and lows (mostly lows) of the business market are turning me off S.C. as a whole.
Chad is taking his advanced placement test for college credit in computer science in May. Rachel qualified for CSF last